Lost my wife to cancer.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JohnFS, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    I lost my best friend to lung cancer April 15 2019.
    It came as a whirlwind, she passed only a month and half after diagnosis.
    We went to Houston to fight a battle but lost the war before we entered the battle field.
    It’s a hell of a thing to have the principle oncologist come in and says there is nothing that can be done after the first week and half of tests were done. One of the best cancer hospital in the world actually said they could do nothing. It Was heartbreaking to watch my wife’s spirit break!
    The doctor said there were maybe a week or two left, so we moved her to the palliative floor; we ended up being there for a little over a month . I watched her spirit break more and more on a daily basis. I wouldn’t have wished this experience upon anyone.
    I finally came back home and everything here is her. All I can do is just try to function.
    We were married for eighteen years.
     
  2. WoodMan

    WoodMan Member

    I know how hard it is but I don’t have an answer. My wife Mary and I were married for almost 47 years. She filed out in May 2018 that she had cancer. It was only the last two months of her life that she really suffered. She died on March 26, 2019 in hospice. I can sympathize, everything in this house is her. I cry no matter what I do or see, it’s all her. I took a walk this morning but they don’t help, just gives me time to think about how I miss her. This morning I cried for a hug, just a hug. On the last little part of my walk as I was crying I was thinking maybe it was just a nightmare, she’ll be home when I get there.

    I truly wish you the best.
     
  3. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    Thank you for the comment.
    I’ve been hearing about stages of grief, don’t know where I’m at, I guess I started grieving once the comfort shots started, we could no longer talked on our usual level.
    I’ve decided to go to grieving sessions tomorrow with a psychologist. We’ll see how it goes. I have to admit it was comforting in finding this sight knowing I’m not alone in these feelings and emotions we are all going through.
     
  4. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    Today has been a very hard day! I miss her so much I can’t put it into words. I barely function. I go to work as regular each day but I’m just a shell of myself trying to keep the tears back; I get home and it’s just worse! I breakdown as soon as I walk through the door. My broken heart hurts so much it makes my very soul ache! How is a person suppose to get through this with only half of who I am. I feel so broken inside!! She is really gone!
     
  5. WoodMan

    WoodMan Member

    Today has been one of those for me. I pray she will come back to me. I know how it sounds but I do it anyway.

    I yearn for her hug..... I just need her to be home when iI arrive. Like you, I break down.

    I’ve tried staying busy, I just think of my Mary.

    It is a beautiful day and I cry because I know how much she would enjoy it. I cry because we could be enjoying it together.

    Maybe tomorrow.....
     
  6. Collection

    Collection New Member

    I hope things get better. My better half lost his battle to lung cancer as well. I dreaded so much having to return to work - but I did it. I had no idea how my 1st day back would be, because I've noticed as I age I can't control my emotions as well as I did years ago. One minute I think I'm doing good, the next I'm doing exactly what I never in my life want to do (cry in front of people). I did very well for my 1st week back. Thanks to the people I work with. I think for the most part they knew not to ask too many questions or give me that pitiful look that people tend to give when someone looses a loved one. I still can't believe he's gone & I am seriously torn up inside. I try my best to make people believe I'm okay on the outside, but all-n-all I feel as if I'm doing okay. I know he did everything he possibly could to continue to live. I know he never wanted to leave & not be around to finish watching our kids grow into wonderful adults. Never thought I'd ever experience being a single parent. He was a super loving father, and with Father's Day being this Sunday - life really sucks right now. I miss him so much, but I really am happy he is not suffering anymore. John keep your head up & think about the wonderful memories you two had together.
     
  7. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    Thank you Collection I pray things will get better too. there is still some kind of hope for life to get a little better right?? Waking up to reality again this morning was unbearable! I can only think of her and what might have been for today and tomorrow. I would have already washed and cleaned the car so we would be styling and she would be proud. We would usually go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for Father’s Day and then stop off at the thrift stores for her which I was totally into also; we were a team.
    I miss her!
    I also had pretty much the same feelings and experience going back to work as you did, luckily I have my own office away from most employees. I have a grown stepdaughter that lives in another state that’s having a hard time of it also and I pray for her. She has a good husband and good support from her kids. I slept in this morning or we’ll say just laid there a while. I’ll have some coffee and if it’s a decent day I will just kind of go numb for the day but I fear today I will feel all of reality. I guess I could go back to drinking alcohol but that would just disgrace her memory since she was my reason to live and go to rehab for back in 2001. We were supposed to grow old together. I am lost but life still goes on around me. I still pray that I’ll get through this but if I do it is a long way off. I will keep my head up and I think of the wonderful memories every day. I wish the same for you.
     
  8. Collection

    Collection New Member

    I'm glad you're using the good memories to get by each day. That has got to be the most important route to go in all this. Hopefully you will NOT resort back to drinking alcohol. You have to think about how she would want you to live out the rest of your life, and I think you're sure it's not with alcohol!!! We just have to learn how to take things one day at a time, and hopefully things will fall into place. Death has always been a hard pill for me to swallow; and sometimes I just sit alone & get lost in all my thoughts. When someone close to me dies, I always have the same crazy thought (I wonder what will cause my death & how old I will be). The unknown is something else. One thing for sure though, birth & death is apart of everyone of our lives. It's so hard to move on after the death of someone close to you, but if you don't put in some type of effort, you will just drown yourself in grief. I am just going to continue to hold onto hope that some day things will get better, that I will see that light at the end of the tunnel - and that one day I will see him again.
     
    JohnFS likes this.
  9. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    I have no desire for a drink or any mind altering substance. I live life sober. The temptation has not entered my mind. It is very hard to move on after someone close dying, I have seen my fair share but this is the hardest. I am definitely trying to put in the effort because I can see how easy it would be to fall into the abyss of grief. I want to thank you. Your correspondence with me on this especially today has helped me get up and get out of the house. I actually have washed the car and may go visit her resting place a little later to day. I know I must stay engaged in life. It’s not just take it on a daily basis sometimes it’s minute by minute. I too dream of the day I will see her again. I always told her that i loved her more than she woukd ever know; i think she probably knows now.
     
    Collection likes this.
  10. Collection

    Collection New Member

    That is wonderful. I'm so glad you got out of the house. It's raining where I am & I've felt down most of the day. But that's to be expected, it's only been a little over 2 weeks since my love took his last breath on this earth. I miss so much - him coming in the kitchen putting his arms around me while I prepare dinner; coming home from work telling him how my day was. Talking about the craziness that we see in our local news, etc. Everything is so so raw for me right now - but I'm still holding on to hope that things will get better. I'll never stop missing him; but I'm waiting for the time when I can genuinely smile again.
     
  11. JohnFS

    JohnFS Member

    Yes a genuine smile of joy would be nice; it will happen again; not any time soon but it will happen again I hope. Your words of him coming home from work seem very similar. I would come through the door and would first meet our 2 cats that would be there to greet me, I would of course pick them up and give them a pet, then I would go to the kitchen to hug and kiss my wife, she use to joke that she was always the last in line. Quite often during the day I would hunt her down just for a hug and tell her how much I loved her, it felt so good just to hold her. Yes it is all still very raw! I cleaned house today to keep me busy, "it needed it". I would sometimes have to take a break and let the tears come but that just happens now. This change in my life is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, but I know she would want me to go on with my life and this is what I will do the best I can.