Lost my wife to cancer.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JohnFS, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I lost my best friend to lung cancer April 15 2019.
    It came as a whirlwind, she passed only a month and half after diagnosis.
    We went to Houston to fight a battle but lost the war before we entered the battle field.
    It’s a hell of a thing to have the principle oncologist come in and says there is nothing that can be done after the first week and half of tests were done. One of the best cancer hospital in the world actually said they could do nothing. It Was heartbreaking to watch my wife’s spirit break!
    The doctor said there were maybe a week or two left, so we moved her to the palliative floor; we ended up being there for a little over a month . I watched her spirit break more and more on a daily basis. I wouldn’t have wished this experience upon anyone.
    I finally came back home and everything here is her. All I can do is just try to function.
    We were married for eighteen years.
     
  2. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I know how hard it is but I don’t have an answer. My wife Mary and I were married for almost 47 years. She filed out in May 2018 that she had cancer. It was only the last two months of her life that she really suffered. She died on March 26, 2019 in hospice. I can sympathize, everything in this house is her. I cry no matter what I do or see, it’s all her. I took a walk this morning but they don’t help, just gives me time to think about how I miss her. This morning I cried for a hug, just a hug. On the last little part of my walk as I was crying I was thinking maybe it was just a nightmare, she’ll be home when I get there.

    I truly wish you the best.
     
  3. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the comment.
    I’ve been hearing about stages of grief, don’t know where I’m at, I guess I started grieving once the comfort shots started, we could no longer talked on our usual level.
    I’ve decided to go to grieving sessions tomorrow with a psychologist. We’ll see how it goes. I have to admit it was comforting in finding this sight knowing I’m not alone in these feelings and emotions we are all going through.
     
  4. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Today has been a very hard day! I miss her so much I can’t put it into words. I barely function. I go to work as regular each day but I’m just a shell of myself trying to keep the tears back; I get home and it’s just worse! I breakdown as soon as I walk through the door. My broken heart hurts so much it makes my very soul ache! How is a person suppose to get through this with only half of who I am. I feel so broken inside!! She is really gone!
     
  5. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    Today has been one of those for me. I pray she will come back to me. I know how it sounds but I do it anyway.

    I yearn for her hug..... I just need her to be home when iI arrive. Like you, I break down.

    I’ve tried staying busy, I just think of my Mary.

    It is a beautiful day and I cry because I know how much she would enjoy it. I cry because we could be enjoying it together.

    Maybe tomorrow.....
     
  6. Collection

    Collection Member

    I hope things get better. My better half lost his battle to lung cancer as well. I dreaded so much having to return to work - but I did it. I had no idea how my 1st day back would be, because I've noticed as I age I can't control my emotions as well as I did years ago. One minute I think I'm doing good, the next I'm doing exactly what I never in my life want to do (cry in front of people). I did very well for my 1st week back. Thanks to the people I work with. I think for the most part they knew not to ask too many questions or give me that pitiful look that people tend to give when someone looses a loved one. I still can't believe he's gone & I am seriously torn up inside. I try my best to make people believe I'm okay on the outside, but all-n-all I feel as if I'm doing okay. I know he did everything he possibly could to continue to live. I know he never wanted to leave & not be around to finish watching our kids grow into wonderful adults. Never thought I'd ever experience being a single parent. He was a super loving father, and with Father's Day being this Sunday - life really sucks right now. I miss him so much, but I really am happy he is not suffering anymore. John keep your head up & think about the wonderful memories you two had together.
     
  7. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Thank you Collection I pray things will get better too. there is still some kind of hope for life to get a little better right?? Waking up to reality again this morning was unbearable! I can only think of her and what might have been for today and tomorrow. I would have already washed and cleaned the car so we would be styling and she would be proud. We would usually go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for Father’s Day and then stop off at the thrift stores for her which I was totally into also; we were a team.
    I miss her!
    I also had pretty much the same feelings and experience going back to work as you did, luckily I have my own office away from most employees. I have a grown stepdaughter that lives in another state that’s having a hard time of it also and I pray for her. She has a good husband and good support from her kids. I slept in this morning or we’ll say just laid there a while. I’ll have some coffee and if it’s a decent day I will just kind of go numb for the day but I fear today I will feel all of reality. I guess I could go back to drinking alcohol but that would just disgrace her memory since she was my reason to live and go to rehab for back in 2001. We were supposed to grow old together. I am lost but life still goes on around me. I still pray that I’ll get through this but if I do it is a long way off. I will keep my head up and I think of the wonderful memories every day. I wish the same for you.
     
  8. Collection

    Collection Member

    I'm glad you're using the good memories to get by each day. That has got to be the most important route to go in all this. Hopefully you will NOT resort back to drinking alcohol. You have to think about how she would want you to live out the rest of your life, and I think you're sure it's not with alcohol!!! We just have to learn how to take things one day at a time, and hopefully things will fall into place. Death has always been a hard pill for me to swallow; and sometimes I just sit alone & get lost in all my thoughts. When someone close to me dies, I always have the same crazy thought (I wonder what will cause my death & how old I will be). The unknown is something else. One thing for sure though, birth & death is apart of everyone of our lives. It's so hard to move on after the death of someone close to you, but if you don't put in some type of effort, you will just drown yourself in grief. I am just going to continue to hold onto hope that some day things will get better, that I will see that light at the end of the tunnel - and that one day I will see him again.
     
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  9. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I have no desire for a drink or any mind altering substance. I live life sober. The temptation has not entered my mind. It is very hard to move on after someone close dying, I have seen my fair share but this is the hardest. I am definitely trying to put in the effort because I can see how easy it would be to fall into the abyss of grief. I want to thank you. Your correspondence with me on this especially today has helped me get up and get out of the house. I actually have washed the car and may go visit her resting place a little later to day. I know I must stay engaged in life. It’s not just take it on a daily basis sometimes it’s minute by minute. I too dream of the day I will see her again. I always told her that i loved her more than she woukd ever know; i think she probably knows now.
     
    Collection likes this.
  10. Collection

    Collection Member

    That is wonderful. I'm so glad you got out of the house. It's raining where I am & I've felt down most of the day. But that's to be expected, it's only been a little over 2 weeks since my love took his last breath on this earth. I miss so much - him coming in the kitchen putting his arms around me while I prepare dinner; coming home from work telling him how my day was. Talking about the craziness that we see in our local news, etc. Everything is so so raw for me right now - but I'm still holding on to hope that things will get better. I'll never stop missing him; but I'm waiting for the time when I can genuinely smile again.
     
  11. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Yes a genuine smile of joy would be nice; it will happen again; not any time soon but it will happen again I hope. Your words of him coming home from work seem very similar. I would come through the door and would first meet our 2 cats that would be there to greet me, I would of course pick them up and give them a pet, then I would go to the kitchen to hug and kiss my wife, she use to joke that she was always the last in line. Quite often during the day I would hunt her down just for a hug and tell her how much I loved her, it felt so good just to hold her. Yes it is all still very raw! I cleaned house today to keep me busy, "it needed it". I would sometimes have to take a break and let the tears come but that just happens now. This change in my life is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, but I know she would want me to go on with my life and this is what I will do the best I can.
     
  12. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I woke up this morning as the new norm for my reality, I lay there a while and tearfully missed my wife. Took a shower to get ready for work and found out my main sewer line is blocked up because my shower wasn’t draining; after I got dressed I tried to unclog it myself because I am a fix it myself type of guy but I don’t have the right equipment. Called the plumber out and after I got off the phone it just hit me like a freight train out of nowhere, I cried hard for at least 30 minutes. I cry for her loss everyday and usually I can feel when it’s going to happen so I can isolate myself usually make an exit for the restroom but this kind of surprised me; it came out of nowhere and it was a full total loss of control. I’m glad I was still at home when this happened. It’s been a little over 2 months since her passing and this is the first real loss of control. Is this something that is common? The full loss of control? Maybe it was triggered from this being such a normal home situation that has happened in the past that was shared with my wife?
     
  13. Yvette Graves

    Yvette Graves New Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Totally normal morning and then he was just gone. Most days I can function “normally” however, still I have those same moments you do, where the sobs consume you and the tears won’t stop. Loneliness I feel is a normal feeling.
     
  14. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. The suddenness of the loss I could not imagine. I’m glad to hear that you can function day by day, which is about the most we can do. Yes! Loneliness is part of the new normal for us.
     
  15. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I’m sorry to say but there is no new normal, not for me anyway. Nothing in my life is normal, new or old. Day in and day out I miss my wonderful wife Mary. I guess missing her is the only thing I consider normal. I just returned from grief counseling and the counselor told me that I should reach out, and I told her I had been. That’s not normal! She said I should say yes to the invitations from people to go eat or go somewhere with them. That’s not normal! Nothing seems normal to me, I just want my Mary to come back to me......
     
  16. Collection

    Collection Member

    I'm thinking that flow of uncontrollable tears came from an unpleasant situation that was brought on while you are already in the mist of grieving. Those situations always suck!!! You're already trying to grieve in peace, then something crazy happens in your life to add on to the unnecessary stress & sadness. Hope your were able to get everything straighten out with your plumbing - keep your head up.
     
  17. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    My heart definitely hears ya! You are right the only normal is nothing is normal anymore. That is the only effing constant in our world now. I hope tomorrow you will have a memory that will make you smile just for a second.
     
  18. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I’m trying to keep my head up and my feet dry. The city came out and got it flowing again, actually l saved a Benjamin from not calling out the plumbers. Yes life can keep throwing it at you even when your down, but having a place like this where I can share and learn from others is truly a blessing. Thank you for caring about my situation when you are hurting as much or more than I am. Thanks to all who reply to me and others who are lost in the abyss of our grief. We don’t have to go it alone.
     
  19. DJF

    DJF Member

    Dear JohnFS, Collection and all.
    I have just found this thread and felt that I had to say something.
    I lost my wife after a 6-month battle against an aggressive colorectal cancer on March 18 this year so it is all pretty raw with me and I truly know what you are going through. I have been posting to the "I'm 38 and lost my husband Thursday to rectal cancer" which can be found here - https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/i'm-38-and-lost-my-husband-thursday-to-rectal-cancer.842/ - so rather than copying all my posts you can have a look at my story so far.
    (I chose this thread simply because of the rectal cancer mention and for all I know there are other threads that would be really helpful to look at but I just haven't come across them yet).
    Two things I have learned/discovered that I mention in my posts are -
    (a) grief does NOT come in nice neat stages - it is all a messy jumble and its many forms can come up almost at any time in response to a whole load of triggers
    (b) what you (and I) are going through now is NOT the new normal. We are in a huge amount of emotional churn right now and discovering our new "normal" will take time and is part of the awful journey we are on. But from all the posts I have read here and in another forum I follow, from reading, from talking to people who have been through this and from talking to professionals, I believe that it IS possible to reach a state where warm and happy memories of the person who was the love of our lives outweigh the terrible loss we feel a number of times each day. Am I near that state after just over 3 months ? No I am not but I trudge onwards trying to put one foot in front of the other each day and trust that it will get better. (I know that losing my wife is something I will never get over but I may get used to it).
    Finally I have to say something about alcohol because I too stopped drinking some years ago and a couple of chaps called Bill and Bob helped hugely. One thing I have learned over the sober years (and which has stood me in good stead in the past 3 months) is that there is NO situation I cannot make worse by taking a drink and so long as that is our bottom line, we are in with a chance. In fact, I can honestly say that at no time did I ever consider drinking so I must have this lesson deeply ingrained in me.
    Lots of love to you all
     
    Collection likes this.
  20. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Hello DJF, I appreciate you saying something. The truth in your post is what I go through on a daily basis and I assume for most of us here. These posts "people" have helped me to understand certain feelings and situations that I am going through enough to know that I know nothing of how I am suppose to feel and act about my wife's passing. I only know that I hate being here! This truly sucks! I want to go back to the way it was! I am stuck in this nightmare and miss my wife so very much!
    which I assume is part of the emotional churn you speak of. I really w to make it through this hell to one day smile again on a memory of my wife. I will for now wake up daily and function through my responsibilities as the tears will still fall until hopefully until some resemblance of a life can peek through. I will always miss my wife! I don't know if I will ever get use to it, but what choice have I got?