Lost my wife - struggling with grief

Hello, my wife passed away a month ago. I have kids, a 9 year old and a 13 year old. I am 47 years old and I am struggling with the loss of my wife. I am doing the best I can to keep things together for the kids, but it seems every time I am alone, I break down in tears. My wife had been battling stage 4 breast cancer for five years, so I have slowly seen her deterioration over the years, but I always tried to keep faith that it was going to be okay. She was incredible and it just seems like everything in this world is just meaningless now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal or unable to function. It’s just the pain is overwhelming, thought of living and raising our kids without their mother is just horrible. Maybe just typing this will help.

 

Hi Bubsjoy, I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your wife passing! What an awful thing for all of you to be experiencing. Your wife sounds amazing. I lost my partner on December 19th. Though he was terminally ill, having been resuscitated twice, a dialysis patient with an anoxic brain injury, it still came as a shock when it happened. I have an 11 year old son. Do not feel like there is anything wrong with you because life feels meaningless right now! The care of someone who is terminally and/or chronically ill defines so much of our lives while we go through this. The loss of this crises and the meaning it has had in our lives is real. I find myself coasting from day to day, just doing the minimum to care for my son. I am here to talk.

 

Hello there,

im so sorry about your loss. I also lost my wife two weeks ago after she battled cancer four five months. I understand your pain and void you are going through. You are so right being alone is when you break down and feel so lost and think what am i going to do withot her? I came to this site and it does help some knowing there are people out there that care and feel what we feel. I miss her so much and think about her every second. I pray you find the strength to get through this awful loss.

 

Thank you Maxkarine

I am so sorry for your loss as well. It’s just so permanent. We had a loving and happy 20 years together, and that is what makes it so hard. You share so much with someone and then one day it’a just gone. Going through old pictures and filtering through her belongings is just brutal.

 

Yes, I can’t stop thinking about her, which just makes it worse. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I wish this kind of pain on no one.

 

20 years is a long time! I'm sure there is so much to do and go through. Looking through pictures, making decisions, etc. must feel overwhelming. I have not come to that point yet. I feel like we are just frozen right now. Thankfully I have a house outside the city we are able to stay in. The thought of being in the apartment is too much for that is where Don has been cared for on and off the last 2 years. He had 24/7 in home care when not in the hospital. How are your children doing? I know you must feel alone as the bond one has with a spouse is unique.

 

Kids are doing as well as can be expected. I feel like I’m holding it together around them, so they seem to be doing okay. But when they are alone, who knows, they may have the same feeling of sadness that I do and just not showing it. I’m glad you have the other house, so you can get away from all the reminders. Our house is literally decorated in everything that was picked out by my wife, so everything is a reminder. I did take me a while to start going through stuff, find myself doing it just to reflect on the memories... not necessarily to get rid of stuff. So hard, I pray for you and any others dealing with something like this.

 

Prayers to you too! I am not yet sure what to do for a memorial service. I find myself considering fixing up Don's ancient sports car sitting in the driveway as a tribute to him. Our son seems fine too, but I wonder how can he really be. He plays Nintendo switch and watches anime. I've let him stay out of school for a week. Reflecting on memories is so important! I hope you are gentle with yourself. I'm sure the tremendous amount of work that goes into fighting for a loved ones life renders us exhausted when that life is lost.

 

The memorial service I did for my wife was very hard. We had it at my church and with the covid situation, it was also available to watch on live stream. I was dreading the memorial just because I knew it would be hard, but then I also hoped things would be easier after the memorial. You know, maybe some closure would make it easier, but that’s not the case. I’m sure however you decided to honor your lost loved one, it will be really nice.

 

Hi. I lost my husband 11/12/18 on our way to give birth to our 3rd baby girl. A drunk driver ran their red light taking his life. Aside from my baby that I was giving birth to that night, we have twin girls who are turning 6 next month. It's hard to think the life you had planned out in your head isn't the life you're currently living. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Thank you Lyss. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Yes, It was so easy to see myself spending another 50 years and growing really old with my wife. Now I just don’t know anything, I feel terrible my kids have to grow up without their mother. I’m sorry your kids are in the same situation. It’s just a horrible feeling and situation.

 

Thinking of you in your loss and so sorry for your sadness. I cannot imagine how painful all of this is for you. Praying for your peace and comfort.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like an amazing woman, and you were an amazing source of strength for her during her fight. I lost my husband in July, from a side effect of his lung cancer treatment. He was 59, full of fun and hope and wanting to survive. I tried so hard to help him pull through- it was just not to be. We do not have children. The hole in my life is so huge - I do not know how to have a future without him yet. I go back to the plans we had and try to live them. I talk about him with those who will let me. One day at a time. Praying for your strength, peace and comfort.

 

So sorry for the loss of your husband! It sounds like a tragic accident. How awful for you and your young children. Prayers for all of you. Even before my husband's passing I know that many things we planned did not go as we thought or prayed for. I try to focus on one day at a time. For now that helps me not drown in feelings. I find having a child really helps. Sounds like you have three beautiful daughters. I hope they give you strength and joy.

 

I'm sorry for your loss JMD! Illness is so incredibly hard. My husband was very ill. I spent six months going to pray over him in a hospital following his second resuscitation. God is good and he pulled through both of them! The year and a half that followed required he have 24/7 care at home and he yo yoed in and out of the hospital. He was a dialysis patient and he had an anoxic brain injury which rendered him a "time traveler". At the end I became "mom". My husband was miracle meets medicine many times! It's hard to believe for all of us that our beloved partners are gone! One day at a time is wise.

 

I hope you find peace and comfort as well. I will be praying for you and everyone else in this forum that is suffering. I think as caretaker I beat myself up because I feel I should have done more to help her live longer. I know what you mean by the hole you feel, I feel it too. It’s real and it’s okay to feel it I believe. I try to think of it as the love I had for my wife, so it’s okay to have that feeling cause that is what keeps me close to her. I know it sounds crazy. I’m working on finding away to grieve and feel sorrow, but to do it with hope. Grieving and feeling sorrow without hope for the future is not good for us. I believe in God and my faith, so I don’t mean I preach to anyone by any means. But I feel we need to grieve with hope, because it’s horrible now.... but one day we will be together again.

 

It's not easy.. going forward without our best friend/partner but we are doing it. All we can do is be positive and strong and keep going. At times it gets even harder but I promise that as long as we can comfort our babies along the process, we will be fine. The love from our littles is amazing. Your children are a piece of your beautiful wife.

 

Thank you for this post. I feel the same way - I should have done more to save his life - gotten another opinion, fought for better nursing care....I always focus on how I came up short, but the truth is, I went to every doctor's appointment, asked all the right questions, read all the treatment guidelines, argued with his doctor, reminded them when refills were needed, fed him in the hospital...the list goes on. The outcome was the same. And, I cannot retrain my brain to focus more on what I did than what else I could have done. I don't know how to break that cycle, and it had made this grief journey incredibly more painful. What I know in my heart is I tried my best, wasn't always listened to, and would have done anything to save him. I feel lost without him and am not even close to making my way back. One day at a time.

 

It sounds like you did all the right things honestly! I don't think you came up short at all. For me, and I wonder if for you as well, is that so much of my life was wrapped up in the fight for life. With life gone there's now all this TIME...QUIET And that is hard. The beloved is not there to fight for. Rumi wrote:

Hold to the reins of Love and don't be afraid
Hold to the real behind the false and don't be afraid

You must know
that the Beloved you seek is none other than you
Hold to the truth and don't be afraid

 

I have to ask because I am shattering myself up inside. I seem to have mentality become obsessed, probably not the best word, with something in my mind. I feel like I am constantly thinking about something that is of no importance really, and I feel bad that’s it’s taking away from really grieving for my wife. I found a diary from when she was 16-17, high school. Four years before I ever met her. She talking about old boyfriends and feelings/actions and stuff. I don’t get it, we were together for 21 years, beautiful marriage. This is so stupid for me to even be letting these thoughts and actions of my wife as 16-17 year old teenager even be bothering me. What am I doing? Anyone been through this before? Am I just distracting myself from my real pain, so I’m focusing on this. Why would any doubt be in my mind all of a sudden. This is crazy. I love my wife with all my heart. She loved me, our marriage was wonderful. This is from 25 years ago. Please someone tell me I’m not going crazy.