Lost my soulmate and have no Closure

His name was Toney and he wans the love of my life. I lost him to a massive heart attack on 12/3/20. 5 days before his 50th Birthday. And only 4 months after finding him again after 28 years.

Toney was my first love, my soulmate the one and only truly one who knew and fully loved me. We went out together for 4 years when we were 16-20 years old. For reasons we don’t remember we broke up. Then this year good old Facebook brought us together and we’re inseparably since we reconnected.

We had our future all planned. After a month together we were basically engaged. 28 years of not being together we knew we didn’t want to wait.

He was my life. We talked, texted and saw each other as much as we could. Now that he is gone I can’t get thru a minute without thinking of him. Can’t drive to work, go to stores or do laundry with saying I should be talking to Toney.

We both had baggage from our life and because he wasn’t divorced (separated for 3 years) I had no rights with his funeral. His separated wife had him immediately cremated and no funeral service and is not spreading ashes or doing a memorial service till next summer. I have no closure. This has made it so much harder for me.

I don’t know what to do without him. Everything I do hurts because the love of my life is gone. How do you move on?? And the holidays aren’t helping me either.

Can anyone help me. Thanks for listening.

 

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such difficult time, in and of itself, complicated by the holidays.

I lost my husband just over a year ago. It has been a rough year. It was especially difficult having lost my precious son in law right after my husband's one year anniversary.
So, I feel your pain.

All I can say is that it does lessen or soften. But it takes months.
There's numbness in the beginning, then just raw unadulterated pain, and fogginess, for months.
I slept a lot. Grief is exhausting.
But then, eventually, you'll start to feel a lightening of the grief. It'll come in waves then. You'll have ok days mixed with rough days. Sometimes you won't even realize you had an ok day, till the day is done.
The longing and missing will continue. It's still ever present for me, and now even more pronounced.

Be gentle with yourself. Do only what you can, regardless of what people think you should be doing. Some days, the best you can do is curl up into a ball and cry. And that's ok. You have to feel it to get through it.


It's good to reach out for support. It really does help to know you aren't alone.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Everything you said I am experiencing
Its good to know others feel this way
Grief has its own timeline......

 

Thank you for your kind words. This just is the hardest thing i ever had to deal with and I am constantly struggling to get thru the day. I don’t think I will ever recover.

 

You will recover. Let yourself feel all of your feelings and keep a journal. Write each day This takes time

 

That is a good idea. I will have to try it!

 

Please be patient. Ride the waves of emotions which are an expression of your grief.
Its almost 5 months for me.

 

I agree, patience is important. There are many ups and downs. Take it slowly.
Also, I have heard that writing does help. I wish it was something I could do, but my thoughts are very scattered. I personally find music helpful. And talking with others who can relate.
That has helped me immensely.
Wishing everyone the best!

 

Try writing your scattered thoughts... anything.... let them just flow out of you in any order they choose....does not have to be perfect

 

Thank you. I think I will.

 

Hi there. I just joined literally this site and I'm not sure how it works, if I'm posting correctly, or just how things work. Probably this should be a new post, not a reply, but I haven't figured that out yet.But I'll start with this post and see how it goes.

My situation: I lost my wife on November 13, 2020 (about 5 weeks ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly, to a heart attack). I therefore had no time to prepare for for where I currently find myself, about to be alone or the first time in 30+ years. I won't go into detail, but she was everything to me. Unfortunately I have no local family, but my son (who was luckily between jobs) came to town and has been with me every day since. Sadly, he has to leave in two days to go back to his home town, new wife, and new job. So in two days I will be living alone and that thought totally freaks me out. The grief is unbearable, but I also find myself suffering from lots of anxiety as well, making it hard to function. Is this normal? Appreciate any help anyone has to offer.

 

Hello BC59. I'm so very sorry for your loss. So heartbreaking. I'm sorry you've become part of this club that nobody wants to be in.
In answer to your question, yes, anxiety and fear are very normal in grief.
You are early in your grief journey. Try to take it slowly, doing only what you can. Now is the time to be gentle with yourself.

I lost my husband 14 months ago. It has been difficult. And I just recently lost my precious son in law, who was a son to me, at a very young age. Now my own daughter is a young widow. Just after the first anniversary of losing my husband, her father.
So when I say anxiety is normal, I know of what I speak.

I completely understand your fear of being alone for the first time in 30+ years.
I feel the same way. We were together for 23 years when I lost my husband. I lost everything when I lost him.
Then my son in law stepped right up, filling in for my husband. He was such a good boy. So kind, so helpful, so full of joy, life and energy.
But God had other plans...

Try to keep a connection to talk through this. We can all help and support each other. We are not alone.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Enderly130, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Your comments make a lot of sense.

And I wholly sympathize with your situation; it must be very hard to lose two family members in such a short time. You have my deepest sympathy.

Today I decided to weigh myself and realize I've lost 12 pounds in 5 weeks since my wife passed. I'm not surprised, since I rarely have any appetite these days, but this is concerning. Probably related to my ongoing anxiety. I realize this forum is not for medical issues, but I thought I'd mention it to see if this is somewhat common or not.

As a brand new member, I am also curious what other features of this website you (or anyone else reading this) find useful and can recommend.

Thanks for listening.

 

Thank you BC59.

I lost weight early in my journey due to no appetite.
I've spoken with some local widowed people and they have said the same thing.
Food has no meaning any longer. You're just in survival mode and eat what is necessary.
That's what my grief counselor said when I mentioned that concern.
Also, I would only eat convenient things. Repetitiously. No desire to cook whatsoever.

I'm relatively new to this site and the forum is all I have used so far.

 

I too have lost weight and the idea of eating makes me sick. It’s been 22 days and I can’t stand this whole in my heart. He was taken too soon from me. I don’t want to go on without him. I want to wake up from this nightmare and go back to 12/2/20 when he was alive. He was my world and I want him back.

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss Laura Abby 81820. It is so heartbreaking.
I lost my husband 14 months ago. My daughter is a new, young widow at 30.
It is the most devastating thing to go through in life.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Sometimes the feelings are not tolerable and then they subside.....there is relief
Important to let the feelings come and go and keep wring what you feel

 

Laura Abbey, your words ring so true to my situation. I am having the same feelings; each hour is literally a struggle. Living alone now (except for my dog), I need to keep the TV on just as a distraction; quiet seems painful, to me at least. I totally feel your pain. I wish there was a better solution, besides people telling me to "wait, it will get better".

 

BC59 listening to music was my life before my beloved Toney died. I couldn’t be in a room without it on. Now it is so hard to listen to music. Every song reminds me something of him. I know everyone says time will heal but time is going so slow right now. I too keep the tv on just for the distraction. Covid isn’t helping either. Been quarantined for 2 weeks and the days just drag and the memories are 24 hours a day with no distraction. The world seems to be against me. Losing the love of my life, my future was turning for the better now I have nothing. Nothing to look forward too. No one to love me the way he loved me. So heartbroken

 

Dear LA and BC,
My heart just breaks for you both. You're both early in your grief journey and it's so fresh and raw.
Things you both have posted, I and probably most others here, have experienced too.
We are all part of the club we don't want to be part of.

I have noticed in my journey that the pain does lighten after a few months. It's still there, but there are ok times in between. Then again after another few months, it comes in waves. There will be more ok times.
One thing that hasn't changed for me is what you said, LA, "nobody to love me the way he loved me." The loneliness and longing are still front and center. Even being with other people doesn't quite cut it. It's a strange, sad kind of feeling.

I stood in the cemetery, where we loved to walk for so many years, alone. Looking at the beautiful snow covered surroundings, literally aching for my husband to share it with. It made me feel as if I didn't belong here anymore.
It's something that I have struggled with all along.

It has been a difficult journey. The hardest in my life. At first I was surprised that I made it through an hour without him. Then a few hours, then a day, and so on. Chunks of time was the best I could do. But they do add up, and go by, even if we didn't want them to.

I was, and am again, foggy, forgetful, weepy, angry, tired. With no desire for anything but to see my loved ones again.

I hope we can all help each other through this nightmare that never ends. When we share, we let others know they are not alone. They are not crazy. They are just heartbroken and grieving.

Take care ❤