Lost My Mom when I Was 15. I’m 23 now.

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Andy Jay, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. Andy Jay

    Andy Jay New Member

    Hey all,

    Never done anything like this before so I thought I’d give it a try .

    My mom was sick my entire life. She was disabled and couldn’t work or take care of me on her own so we always lived with a relative. I was her only child so she kept me close and for most of my childhood I didn’t want to leave her side.

    When I became a teenager I wanted to distance myself away from my mom. I didn’t really have friends or did extracurricular activities because she didn’t allow me. During this time my aunt moved far away from us so it was up to me to help take care of my mom. I hated that my life was just go to school then come home and take care of my mom.

    One day she was really getting on my nerves so I said to myself I wish you’d just die. And ironically it happened. I like how god listens to that rather than the years of me praying for her to get better.

    I know that it’s normal for teenagers to say things like that about their parents but that thought or wish coming true usually doesn’t happen after saying it.

    After she passed I moved around a lot and lived with various relatives. I didn’t go to grief support or therapy. I coped by living in my head and detaching myself from the world.

    Now that I’m 23 I’m super angry with my mother. Like she wanted a kid but didn’t want to take care of herself so she could be with that kid for a long time. I hate that I have this hate and wish it would just go away. I love my mom but sometimes I wish she never had me or I wish she took care of herself more. I’m jealous that my cousins all still have their moms and they are all older than my mom. My mom was the first out of her siblings to die and she was the youngest.

    I’m just really angry that she left me and I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I feel like since I’m an adult I shouldn’t care about not having parents anymore.

    Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I really appreciate any help. Thank you.