Lost my mom two weeks ago

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by delainmt, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. delainmt

    delainmt New Member

    I work on theatre and my mom did too for the last seven years. We were always two, only us, despite everything, even if I had a partner or even though she was married, we were always together, we were best friends and had a company together. We had our own school and theater company, it all happened too fast I still on denial, she was a really kind, gentle person, always working, always helping others, always creating, she had a thyroid problem for the las 20 years so she had troubles falling asleep and she was too hyperactive, that’s why nobody suspected anything when she had troubles sleeping for like two weeks right before my wedding, I was about to cancel everything, to stay with her cause she looked really tired and I got worry, but then she went to the doctor and she told her that it was a lack of vitamin B so after a few shots she got better and she insisted that we had the wedding and that I had to go to the honeymoon, I trusted the doctors and we did,
    I came back on a Friday and she told me she wanted to go to her house for a few days to rest, but that she will be there for the performance of one of our plays on 8 days, then all deteriorated fast, she talked to me on the phone as always, one day she told me “I tripped on the garden and hurt myself with a cactus, but is nothing I’m fine” told me it had been an accident and everything was good, she said that she will be on the theater on Sunday and that she was feeling a lot better “please don’t worry baby”, on Sunday she didn’t show up on time, my grandma arrived at the theatre but not my mom, I panicked , she would never stood up my granny, so I called and called and called to get an answer. Finally heard from her almost three hours after the time she was supposed to arrived she had fallen on her bathroom and couldn’t get up, her husband didn’t notice for about an hour, finally they arrived and I noticed her whole body was leaning to the left and she had trouble walking so I dragged her to the doctor again and they did a bunch of tests and a Tomography, they found a huge brain tumor, in a week she couldn’t walk and had a crisis, so I took her to the hospital, they said they had to do an emergency surgery but, they didn’t have anesthesia in the hospital and that I had to take her somewhere else, I’m an only child so I looked for another option by myself and consulted with her brothers the options I’ve had found.
    So on September 6 she went into surgery, she woke up from that, talked to us, held my hand, kissed me, she looked fine, it appeared to be ok, so I asked if it was ok to go drop my partner home and come back to the hospital, she gave me permission, “-is it ok mom? -she said yes”, so I did it , when I got back she had fallen sleep, or so we thought, she was not sleeping, she was in a coma, never woke up. I saw her lose movement until deep coma, an edema had appeared and injured her brain, how didn’t I noticed? The doctors wanted to wait to move her to an ICU and waited too long, she went from a 10 on the Glasgow scale to 3, they waited 48 hours and I trusted them, I lost her, I left and lost her last minutes awake and then didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late

    I lost my best friend, my only partner in crime, my mom, the real love of my life, all without a warning and everything in a matter of days, I know days might seem a lot for many people, or enough to prepared, but nothing can prepare you for the lost of the only person that gets you and loves you the way only a mother can.

    My friends don’t know what to say only “dude your relationship with your mom was unique this is truly the worst that could’ve happened to you” like I don’t know.

    My wife is grieving too since they got alone great and loved each other so she can’t stand my sadness or so it seems because she gets weird and defensive when I seem to be suffering. I feel like I don’t have a place or person to grieve with, or like I’m not allowed to.
    How can I be ok when I don’t feel ok? I feel like going crazy, nothing feels appealing anymore, I even hate theater and our school sometimes, why didn’t I notice something was wrong before it exploded so we could have done more to save her? She wanted another vacation and I didn’t give it to her, I didn’t let her eat a freaking Twinkie because she was going into surgery, I left, I missed her last minutes awake. I trusted stupid doctors that told me everything was ok.
    I really need to talk about this, I’m forgetting things, I even called her because I forgot, I’m in huge denial, I miss her, I feel broken, incomplete and Alone.