Lost my husband to cancer.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mariagace86, Apr 15, 2020.

  1. Mariagace86

    Mariagace86 Member

    Hi. My name is Maria. I just lost my husband. He was only 32 yrs old. He lost his battle to cancer and it all happened so fast. This month we would have been celebrating 4 years of marriage. I feel so scared to be without him. I miss him everyday.
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for your horrible loss.
    It’s only been 6 months (this Saturday)
    Since the Love of my life, Janet, passed . Also from Cancer. We were fortunate enough to have 25 wonderful years together, even though I didn’t meet her until I was almost 60,she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Your love story was so fresh and new and my heart just breaks for you.
    You are starting a journey that will be filled with loneliness and fear. Your pain will be more than you think you can endure. But, you will get through it.
    You have already taken the first positive step toward recovery. You have reached out for help. Keep it up. We all want to help. Please let us.. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Bill
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Maria, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My heart breaks for you! You’re both so young and just starting your lives together. I’m guessing right now you probably can’t think straight, your mind is in a fog. This is something you can’t prepare for, I know it’s lonely and scary.
    I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. We had a really nice day together, doing errands and yard work, bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner and we were relaxing and watching tv when Ron started to have stomach virus type symptoms that turned to chest pains. I called 911 and at the hospital all on duty cardiologists worked on him. I lost the love of my life at 11:34 pm, 2 hours after this all started. Never had any previous signs, he was always healthy. So I do know how you’re feeling, I understand your pain and loneliness. We were together 24/7, we ran a business together, that I had to close and empty the shop. So a second loss.
    I hope you have family and friends offering support. During this health crisis I know it’s hard to get support. This site has helped me so much and everyone on here knows exactly how you’re feeling. You’ll receive compassion and support from the community of people on here. Sharing and reading people’s stories are very helpful. Keep posting, and reach out to family for support. Try to stay busy, I found that very helpful, but not always easy to do. Try to get some fresh air each day and hopefully some sleep.
    You’ve come to the right place, let the tears happen, crying and letting that out is helpful too.
    Sending you hugs!
    Robin
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Maria,

    May the sorrow of your loss be easier each day for you. I am sorry for your loss.

    With him being so young, life together was still so short and the harsh reality of him now gone is rough to move beyond. Being lonely is so unfair after loss. The pain is sometimes unending and hard to put up with.

    Being afraid is natural, you have lost your partner in life. He was many things to you. Dwell on all the special times you had with each other.

    The house can sound so quiet. Your own voice can echo. Your thoughts for him can be all over the place.

    Even during this period of isolation, you need to look for ways to cope. Reach out by phone, by email, call family if possible, friends, and look for things to help you fill the gaps you now have with him no longer with you. Exercise, light or heavy, can help with your stress you build up each day. If and when you can get any counselling it would also help.

    Music can be a great relief from sorrow. Looking over all the keepsakes of him you have will also help you. Watching things you both like can be fulfilling and melancholy at the same time. It will take time to face this pain you have.

    After the loss of my wife of 42 years, I looked through our photos, videos, slides, letters to each other when separated. Music was such a help. The television also was helpful, I would sit and look for only shows that made me feel good inside. I loved to watch so many animals we all love.

    Just remember, please never give in to despair. If you feel yourself struggling, reach out to someone, anyone you can. Peace be with you.

    -david

    This is a melody I sometimes loop


     
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  5. Mariagace86

    Mariagace86 Member

    Thank you for sharing your story with me Robin. Yes I sometimes can't think straight. I feel like I am in a dream that I cannot wake uo from. My husband's bame was Angel. And that he was. He didnt smoke or drink, he was a good person. We were barely trying to have a family but were struggling. At the beginning of 2019 we decided to get infertility treatment for me. We went on numerous doctors appointments and had a few rounds of clomid but it didnt work. We were going to keep trying but then he got really sick. He started with a cough that would not go away with any antibiotics. It lasted a few months until finally the dr requested he get a chest and abdominal scan. On december 28th 2019 he was diagnosed with a tumor on his left kidney that had spread metastatic cells to his lungs which was causing his cough. We live in Mexico so it is very difficult to get the cancer medication he needed and very expensive. After his diagnosis he only lasted 2 months. He died on february 28th at 11:15pm. He didnt want to die. He never got angry with God. He accepted his cancer and he fought with all his might but the cancer was too aggressive. There are so many things he saw though that brought him joy during those 2 months. He saw all the love I had for him amd all the love my family had for him and it brought tears of joy to his eyes. He was the love of my life and I was his. We shared the most beautiful love. Not having him here makes me so scared. I felt safe with him. A few weeks after he passed I went to see a friend and afyer I left her house i got lost for like 15 min. Once I found my way out of the neighborhood I was in I balled my eyes out. I needed him at that moment and not having him there made me so sad. Every day there is always something new that comes up that we used to do together and I start to cry. At his funeral I couldnt cry. As much as I wanted to or tried to I guess my mind was in a state of shock. It's until I start living my day by day that I have been crying the most. Thank you for your kind words. Sending out a hug to you as well.
     
  6. Mariagace86

    Mariagace86 Member

    Hi Bill. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss as well.
     
  7. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Your story is so moving. It made me cry.
    Maybe our combined tears will help wash away some of your pain. You two sound like you were made for each other. My sorrow for you fills my heart.
    I believe that someday you will hold each other again, and the fear and pain will disappear.
    God Bless You.
    Bill
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Maria, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I understand how terribly scared you must have felt being lost and alone. From your description, Angel was the perfect name for your husband. He fought a good fight, cancer is just so unrelenting.
    It also sounds like you made the best of the time you had left together. You two were made for each, that’s obvious. Your story makes me cry! I wish I could send some magic and bring Angel back, all healthy and healed and ready to spend eternity with you. But I do feel for you, I believe you were in shock at his funeral, but the tears are falling now. Crying helps get the pain out, relieves some of the stress. I keep reading your story, it just breaks my heart. You’re so young, still newlyweds, Angel was taken from you so fast. Of course we don’t our loved ones to suffer but it all happened so quickly.
    It sounds like you have family that’s close, that’s great, accept any help they might offer. Don’t push yourself take things slow. I know nights the hardest to get through, I still struggle with sleeping and missing my one and only, but I am sleeping some better. I stay up late to help me be extra tired.
    There will be better days ahead. ❤️
    Robin
     
  9. Mariagace86

    Mariagace86 Member

    This week was what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. It has been a tough week. Haven't slept very well. Last night I had a dream and I saw him in it. He was happy and healthy. No more cancer. It made me not want to wake of from that dream. I miss him so much. Tuesday April 28th marks 2 months since he passed and it feels like an eternity. I just want this pain to go away.
     
  10. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
  11. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    I understand completely. It has been 6 months for me plus his 60th birthday was on the 22nd and the depression from the virus has me feeling like it is the first month again. I feel like I have gone backwards instead of forwards.
     
  12. cloppineda

    cloppineda New Member

    Hi Maria,
    First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you as I can relate to your pain very well. My husband Daniel Ulmer also passed away after a long and very difficult battle against cancer. He was only 38 years old, and we were together for about 6 years. I feel very lonely in my new reality. I'm 35 and I feel like everyone around is falling in love, planning weddings, having kids... while my life is in a totally different place. Looking for friends online or posting at any forums was never my thing but it had to change now as (thankfully) none of my friends shares my experience of widowhood. That's why I decided to register here, hoping to connect with someone in a similar position. I also live in Mexico. I was living with my husband in Canada but after he passed away, I decided to go back to my hometown and being surrounded by the people I love the most. Sending you lots of love and hugs!
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cloppineda,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Life just feels so unfair sometimes. Losing our husbands certainly feels unfair. I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer and it’s so difficult to watch as they fight so hard to beat it. Cancer is so unrelenting.
    My recent loss is my husband, not to cancer but to a massive heart attack that came out of no where.
    But I do understand your pain I know how you feel like a huge part of you is missing, nothing feels right any more the loneliness is overwhelming. Your home/apartment now feels huge and so quiet. Every little thing is now a huge thing. So yes, I do know how your feeling. I’m happy you were able to make the move to Mexico and now are closer to your family and friends, I’m sure they give you great support and that’s so important. You come across as a strong woman, being able to make that move and having to go through Danials things. I have trouble going through Ron’s things still.
    Living through this pandemic while in mourning and needing support sure doesn’t help things. Hopefully you can find some things to do to keep your mind busy. That has helped me so much. Staying in touch with family and friends through whatever means possible, keep reaching out. And this site, so helpful! Sharing your story and reading others stories is very helpful, so keep posting. I didn’t find this site until 11 months after Ron passed. I wasn’t doing well at all, joining here and finding this caring community of people has helped me more then I could have even imagined.
    Let the tears fall, be angry, let your emotions out. It all helps. You've come to the right place, we’re here to offer support and receive support and we all get it. We’re all living the same nightmare, possibly different stages but we know all the feelings.
    There will eventually be better days ahead.
    Hugs! Robin
     
  14. cloppineda

    cloppineda New Member

    Hi Robin,
     
  15. cloppineda

    cloppineda New Member

    Hi Robin, Many thanks for your kind message. My husband had colorectal cancer and the last weeks were before his passing were very traumatic but there were also moments of love and romanticism. Everything you described in your message resonates with me, and I completely agree that we need to let our emotions out and to reach out to our friends and family when we need to. It is very hard to grief during the pandemic, there is no physical touch, I miss the hugs and the face-to-face contact. I am actually isolated in my own bedroom since I came back from Canada one week ago, so I am staying in my own room so I don't put my parents' health under any risk. What were the coping mechanisms that you used? I find that yoga, meditation, and tapping are very useful for me at the moment. My therapist is also very good, she is a real life saver. Many thanks!
     
  16. cloppineda

    cloppineda New Member

    Hi Maria,
    First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you as I can relate to your pain very well. My husband Daniel Ulmer also passed away after a long and very difficult battle against cancer. He was only 38 years old, and we were together for about 6 years. I feel very lonely in my new reality. I'm 35 and I feel like everyone around is falling in love, planning weddings, having kids... while my life is in a totally different place. Looking for friends online or posting at any forums was never my thing but it had to change now as (thankfully) none of my friends shares my experience of widowhood. That's why I decided to register here, hoping to connect with someone in a similar position. I also live in Mexico. I was living with my husband in Canada but after he passed away, I decided to go back to my hometown and being surrounded by the people I love the most. Sending you lots of love and hugs!
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cloppineda,
    It’s nice to hear although the last weeks were so traumatic you did have times of love as you went through such a horrible time.
    I will share with you that Ron’s passing was so very fast and with no warnings, that I went into shock. I can honestly say I don’t recall much that happened for the first couple months. And right now I’m feeling myself slip backwards because of this social distancing.
    Coping methods I used were meditation, and breathing exercises, plus I could have people visit me to offer support and that was huge for me. I had people as often as possible. Sadly you can’t have that support. And I don’t know if your religious, but I used the power of prayer also. Plus my daughter who lives 15 minutes away, pretty much stayed with me at my house for about 8 months. She worked from my house. I also was at our shop emptying all our things and finding places for them to go. Closing and emptying our business was a second loss and so very difficult. I cry writing about it. It was a huge job, that I didn’t want to do, walking in and seeing where Ron had put things down before heading home for the weekend, was awful. Our family had a vacation planned in January, instead of going, we emptied our shop out.
    I think it’s great that you’re with your parents, but sadly you need to stay isolated for the time being. Everything is so very hard. Before my son left to go back to Florida he made me promise to get out of the house at least once a day. I tried to keep that promise, sometimes my out of the house was the back yard but I got fresh air. I believe fresh air helped me. If possible try to get out for some air.
    I’m glad you have a good therapist, you’re doing all the right things. This takes a lot of time. Talking about Daniel and about the loss are all so helpful.
    Robin
     
  18. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Well-Known Member

    Robin, I feel the same way, I feel like I am back at the beginning because we can’t do anything. At least before I could keep my mind busy but not all I do is think and miss my husband so much. I have been going one week home and one week at my daughters and it’s ok for a few days but then the thoughts creep back in my mind. I miss seeing his face and talking to him about nothing at all. My other friend that lost her husband four years ago came over and she said the same thing so I know it’s just depression because of not doing anything. We all just need this virus to go away soon. Another day and night of crying and thinking too much.
     
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  19. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cora,
    Thank you, for sharing that this is affecting you as well, and your friend. I felt like I was starting to feel a little better. Was able to think of other things, now I’m back to thinking of Ron and missing him even more. The way we’re having to stay home and not be social at all doesn’t feel like a healthy way to live. I’m glad you’re spending time with your daughter and grandchildren. For me all I’m in contact with is my daughter, but I’m thankful for that.
    You’re right, we have too much time on our hands, so our minds get thinking. Isn’t that funny, we miss the little things the most, the talking about nothing, is such a big thing now.
    I’ve cried a river today, more tears to come tonight I’m sure. Our life had already become torture, now this is going way too long.
    Robin
    Love your picture!
     
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  20. Lostinpa

    Lostinpa New Member