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Lost my husband 2 months ago from Alzheimer's

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Vita327, Apr 13, 2020.

  1. Vita327

    Vita327 New Member

    Dancing on Christmas Eve, hospital January 4th, Hospice January 22nd, gone February 8th.

    More questions than answers. It was a whirlwind. A 5-week roller coaster ride of "we're going to rehab him", "we suggest Hospice", "we think we can get him to walk again", "we believe he's dying", "we're going to put him in Comfort Care", "there's nothing more we can do for him".

    Sixty-seven years old, we would have been married 25 years on March 12. We were renewing our vows and having a big party. He didn't make it. My heart is broken.

    It was too sudden, even though I knew it would happen one day, I didn't see it coming. We were in New York enjoying the holidays with our kids and grandchildren. Somehow I knew I would be returning to Florida alone, but I never thought he would die. Although he was pretty much in late stage, he was still very healthy and strong. I thought it was time to place him and that's what I planned to do while in NY. I then got word that we were approved for Medicaid in Florida. So happy! We could return together and I would be able to have help to take care of him at home. We were scheduled to leave to go back to Florida on January 7th. January 4th he woke up in the morning with excruciating back and leg pain. We called an ambulance, was admitted and he never came out. He developed a UTI, pneumonia, fever, and he went completely downhill. Stopped eating, drinking and walking. I think he gave up.

    Some have called it a blessing. Maybe. It was a blessing that it happened in New York where we had the most support of family and friends. It would have been a disaster if it had happened in Florida. It was a blessing that he never got placed where we would have had to watch him wither away. He would have not been a happy camper since he was still so aware. It was a blessing that he still remembered all of us right to the end. And it was a blessing that we were both spared the last horrifying stages of Alzheimer's. But I cannot swallow the word "blessing" when it comes to anything related to Alzheimer's. Nothing about it is a blessing. It's mean and cruel and the absolute worst disease of all, robbing the LO of memories, dignity, and finally life itself. Our grandchildren are devastated.

    So I came to Florida just for 1 month to organize and clean out closets and now here I am in jail again with the "shelter in place" order. I had hoped to come down and begin to reorganize my life without my DH, instead, I'm here alone in my house dealing with sadness, grief, loneliness, isolation and worry.

    But I can never be robbed of the wonderful memories I have of my life with my DH. He was wonderful, handsome, funny, and caring. I did my very best for him and I'm relieved that he is now whole and free of the struggles and confusion that took over his body and destroyed him.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Vita,

    Losing our mate is such an enormous loss. I am very sorry for your loss. Being married for over two decades, and then passing on in just over a month is devastating.

    Nothing in life prepares any of us for a loved one's death. Even though I knew Nadine, my wife of 42 years would one day be with us, she fought like a warrior till the very end. But she did prepare us, my two sons and I as best as she could.

    Being with your spouse as they decline with each new malady is hard to accept. When my wife was removed from the transplant list for the last time our final hope was washed away with tears we all shed.

    With so much sickness and isolation we are now facing today, the hospital is one of the scariest places on earth now. So I understand all the hopelessness of the situation, it is not easy to tolerate at all. Being there watching this all come to pass is a memory none of us ever wish to have.

    It was great you had family with you during this hardship. I agree about Alzheimer's. My sister shares a house with two teachers they all taught for almost 150 total combined. One of them has Alzheimer's, it is disheartening to see the one who you knew in life not remember you anymore.

    I was staying with my grandparents for two weeks, when my grandmother looked me in the face and asked who I was. Then she also did the same to grandfather as she yelled at him. It is a memory I will never forget. Watching someone you love slowly be taken from you is the most difficult thing any of us in life will ever face.

    Yes, this shut the doors and locked them are not easy to accept. So many things have been removed from us. It reminds me of when I was in the Army for 12 plus years, it is as if I am on guard duty again in Vietnam - waiting, watching, for the enemy.

    The picture of you both is amazing. I posted this on another thread, but I wanted you to see a video of my wife.

    Please press the button under my wife's picture titled Play Tribute Movie

    https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/auburn-me/nadine-hughes-6409908

    The memories we can draw back upon will bring back our lost one(s) to us again. I hope you will continue to talk and tell us anything you wish. There is nothing off limits. I just know that from past experience, by talking and releasing those tears and emotions we start to heal inside.

    I hope you will never give in to despair, and watch out for yourself. Peace be with you.

    -david

    This is a song for you


     
  3. Vita327

    Vita327 New Member

    David,

    Thank you so much for all your kind words. The video of your wife was lovely and I love the song you sent me. Sounds like you loved Nadine so deeply. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I had a similar video made for Frank's wake, but it is on a DVD, so I can't send it to you to see.

    Being isolated and alone is quite difficult. I have good friends that live nearby who have been coming by a few times a week to play cards. And I'm often on a video chat with my children and grandchildren. This is helping me so much.

    Thank you again for your response.

    --Vita
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Vita,

    Nadine's video is stored on the mortuary site, where anyone can view it. So I can share my video of my wife forever with anyone. I also have a 3 foot by 2 foot painting of my wife I have in my hallway.

    During Vietnam my sister tried to hook me up with someone, she was in a sorority. They all wrote me letters in one big box. I went through them, wrote them all, and one day Nadine's was the one I settled on to know further. The rest was 42 years being married to her.

    We are restricted here in Maine to stay at home orders, and have to have travel orders. Btw, before we brought Nadine back to Maine to hospice we lived in Weston, Florida going on 11 years. Loved the weather and so many other things. I am a Maine born maniac as they say. That is how we ended back in Maine.

    So here in our state, even though my younger sister, and all my nephews and nieces, and her grandchildren live in my city. But we can't see one another yet.

    Each day I talk with my older brother, older sister, and younger sister when she isn't busy.

    Take care.

    -david