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lost my dad

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by rsaxton, Jun 26, 2020.

  1. rsaxton

    rsaxton New Member

    Hi. Im new here and I lost my dad on 06/03/20. My dad was 95 years old and in complete control of all of his faculties at the time of his death and he died from aspiration pnuemonia and septic shock after being taken to the hospital by ambulance on 06/01/20. He had only been out of the hospital for 2 weeks at that point, but he was coming around and feeling better and I keep playing his last day at home over and over in my mind, thinking about what I could have done better or differently because I dont feel that my dad was ready to leave this earth. My dad was so humble and kind that it made the transition from daughter to caretaker super easy for me and I loved taking care of my dad and fussing over him for the last years of his life. I lost my mom in 2014 and I also took care of my mom before her death, though she stayed in the hospital for the last year and a half of her life. My parents always lived with me and I was their youngest child and the one most attached to both of them.

    My dad had high blood pressure for over 50 and recurrent arthiritic back pain but no other serious health issues until last year. I put him under the care of my mother's old team of doctors because his primary doctor was getting old and ready to retire and was only seeing patients once a week in a clinic. I wanted my dad under a team of younger doctors that were connected to a hospital that I was familiar with just in case something happened and my dad needed immediate medical attention. That was my first mistake because from the time my dad starting seeing my mom's old doctors, he started having issues that he had never had before and was admitted to the hospital 7 times in 2019. They were very good doctors and took excellent care of my mother for years and my father knew them well, but I think that they made him sicker than he was and billed his medical insurance to death. Some things could be attributed to his age catching up to him, but some of the things that happened to him shouldnt have happened just because of how old he was, and I cant stop thinking about what I could have and should have done differently that would have allowed my dad to still be here.

    My dad had only been home for 2 weeks and he was so weak, he couldnt cough or spit and he could barely talk and swallow. I was hand feeding him pureed foods that I ordered from a meal delivery service and I was so careful with everything, but my dad still slipped away from me and I cant shake the thought that I caused my dad to get in that position in the first place and ultimately have an episode that he couldnt recover from. I worked full time and I tried to balance my dads needs with work and life, but I made so many mistakes and poor decisions in his healthcare, and I am devastated that I dont get to do this over. I dropped the ball because I was burned out and tired and i feel that I really let my dad down when he was his most vulnerable and helpless.
  2. I honestly don't think from what you shared that his death was a result of negligence or incompetence. I am so sorry for your loss. I want to express how impressive of an age: 95! My father died at 62 to brain cancer, and at the very end of life he was unable to speak, swallow or spit. Eventually, the inability to spit and swallow means aspiration in the lungs, which can quickly become pnuemonia. This is not a result of poor care-taking, but a natural progress at the end of life. You did not drop the ball. Being the caretaker, you cannot blame the impossibility of the situation you are handling. I know that helpless feeling, the burnout and frustration. Please please please be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. I praise the efforts and respect you showed your dad and mother. Even if things could have been done differently, we are only human, and I hope your family/friends/work gave you the support you needed. Please let love back into your heart and give yourself compassion!
    Ranvaering likes this.
  3. @APPY

    @APPY Active Member

    I lost my dad too . 5/05/2020. Each and every day I think I must have gone wrong somewhere... that's why my dad left. I could hv given him better medical facilities better care etc etc. End of the day i curse myself. But know one thing when we arrive here we come with a fixed date day and time of departure aswell. Nobody can defy that. U must be glad that you had soo many years to spend with your dad. Wherever he is .. he is doing good.
  4. Ranvaering

    Ranvaering Member

    I lost my mom on 6/10/20. I also go over particularly her last day and second guess myself - did I do everything I could for her? I think both of us did the best we could for our parents. Burn out is real and is not something to beat yourself up over - there is a limit to what we can manage, no matter how much we want to do more. I hope you will treat yourself also with care.
  5. Chaslynn

    Chaslynn Member

    I lost my mom on 7/30/20 and I too go over his final days and especially his last day in my head. If only he stayed on the chemo, I should have saved more of his cards he sent me or spent more time with him prior to him getting sick. I am reading a book right now called, "When God doesnt make sense," and it is really helping me cope with the saddness and questions that run in my mind day after day. Mayne one day when we are on the other side, we will know the reason but until then we have to take it one day at a time.
  6. Chaslynn

    Chaslynn Member