Lost my dad, and myself...

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Brokenhearted89, Jul 15, 2020.

  1. I should preface this by saying my dad is still technically alive. But he's nearing the end, and he's unable to speak at this point, so essentially I have already lost him, and I've already started grieving.

    My dad was diagnosed with epithelial mesothelioma October 15 2018. He had lung surgery 2 months later and started chemo last spring. After only 2 rounds of chemo he decided to stop because he wanted to preserve his quality of life rather than quantity. Since then his health has gone up and down, this winter was extremely difficult, we weren't sure if he was going to make it, but his declining health was determined to be the medication he was on. They switched medications and within a couple weeks he was putting on weight and back to normal. But that only lasted a couple months.

    In April he was taken to the ER for an infection and the doctors did other tests and found that his cancer had spread through his entire abdomen. At that point they weren't sure how long he had, but they wanted us to prepare. Then at the beginning of this month he got another infection and antibiotics were not doing anything for it and we were told his body was rapidly shutting down.

    As of July 1st we were told he had 6-10 days. I went to visit him on the 4th, and it was the most terrifying moment of my life. I thought he was going to leave us that day. But 11 days later he's still hanging on. He's been staying with my aunt and her last update she said his nurses were in and out of there constantly. I've been struggling to find support from my family, I've had a few tell me to reach out if I need anything, but my pain is crippling and it's only going to get worse. And nobody has reached out to me to ask how I'm doing. I have nobody and I'm so scared...
    JoNas likes this.
  2. Toni24

    Toni24 Member

    Thinking of you. I lost my Dad in June after a six-month decline battling pneumonia and congestive heart failure. From my perspective, know the family means well but no one can truly know how difficult these moments truly are. Can you visit to be there in person during these last days? I hope your dad finds comfort and you as well. If someone offered to me help in any tiny way, I accepted. I found the smallest gestures brought moments of peace for me in the chaos. Peace to you during this difficult transition.
  3. Thank you so much for your kind words. I live over an hour away and with covid I can't safely use Lyft or Uber, and I don't know if I could get any family to pick me up last minute. I could definitely ask though since more family members have been visiting these days. I have had a couple aunts reach out since posting this though, and it has helped a little. But I've also realized support or no support, the pain doesn't lessen, so I'm trying to just get through on my own too.
    JoNas likes this.
  4. I teared up reading this. That was the hardest part of my father passing, when he was still here but he wasn't and then its like the strangest waiting game. I can tell you that it gets better but I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of this.
    Brokenhearted89 likes this.
  5. Thank you, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I thought I had. He's weak but still talking a little. My aunts keep telling me I should call him, just so he can hear my voice, but I can't....I want to so badly but I just end up crying on the phone and I don't want his last moments to be my pain...
  6. I know, its really hard. I visited my father when he was in that state but i could never stay for to long because i just couldnt handle it and i didnt want to upset him. Maybe you can just call for a couple mins and say your thinking about him just so you don't regret it later on.
  7. My dad passed away this past Wednesday. I wasn't able to get down there to be with him. I told him I'd be there, and then he went unresponsive 2 days later. He woke up once asking for me, and then fell into a coma and passed away 12 hours later... I have so much guilt I've completely shut down emotionally. I feel like I can't breathe
  8. I’m sorry about your dad. I know how hard this time is. Don’t let the past couple days define you as a daughter. I’m sure you would have visited if you could. Your intentions were not bad and I’m sure wherever he is, he has already forgiven you. Just be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve right now
    Brokenhearted89 likes this.
  9. Toni24

    Toni24 Member

    I am sorry to hear of your loss. I am sure it has been very difficult for you. While you were expecting this result, it still takes your breath away when you lose someone. Sentimentalfeelings91 has it nailed on the head. "Don’t let the past couple days define you as a daughter." You might not see it while you are in the rawness of loss but let it come to you as you work through this grief.

    I too had to make some difficult choices during the last weeks of my father's life. After his death, I was rot with guilt over some of those choices. Grief tricks you into thinking you had many paths that could have been taken. This is the furthest from the truth. You made the decisions you could at the time. The other options were not available or you would have made them. It has been a little over 2 months now since my father passed and I am getting better at recognizing this. I hope the message will help you in the days to come.

    Focus on remembering the good moments to overcome the guilt. Peace to you during this difficult time. It is hard work.
  10. I didn't make a choice because I wasn't given a choice. I was set to be there this past Thursday, I can't drive so my aunt was going to pick me up, I promised him I'd be there and it wasn't soon enough. I wasn't given a choice....
  11. Toni24

    Toni24 Member

    Sorry for my assumption. My interpretation of guilt can mean something different for someone else. Peace to you.
  12. smehrotra

    smehrotra New Member

    I truly know wat u r gng through as I wasn't able to b wid my dad wen be passed after a long and tortorous battle with prostate cancer last week. The guilt and remorse of not being able to be with my during his last time is killing me and I think I ll never be able to feel normal ever again. In grief blogs people do say that with time it does become easier but right now that statement doesn't make any sense. So my heart goes out to u .. people often say they understand.. they know bt this is something which can only be felt only by those who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Fathers are especially close to daughters . My dad was d best dad bt I failed him as a daughter. despite being given a warning by doctors about his terminal illness I wasn't able to reach in time to say him good bye atleast. Now that he is gone the only way by which I guess I can continue with this life is to devote the rest of my life in helping people and live as my dad would always wanted me to live. Because I have this faith that he would have forgiven me as he loved me immensely. I know how u r feeling and I sincerely pray that u find peace somehow and live as your father would have wanted you to.