Lost my Dad and I'm going crazy

My dad died on May 1, 2018 at 8:20 am. He had a number of health issues and died very young. I've been taking care of him since I was 10 years old. I was 23 when he passed in a Hospice care facility. My family thought I would feel relief since he died but I just feel lost. I am completely heartbroken. He was my best friend. I find myself listening to old voicemails and texts he sent me. Last night, I had a dream with my dad, more like a nightmare. He was trying to get away from me and I was trying to catch up to him so he wouldn't fall. He fell and he died in my arms. Before he died, he said "I'm going to miss you so much." I've been up trying to figure out what that dream meant or if his spirit is trying to tell me something. I feel like I am going crazy. Any advice or coping mechanisms are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

I have no words of advice, but I lost my dad this past Monday and I am a complete mess. He was diagnosed with a rare cancer, stage four, last August. He had a massive stroke December 21 and we brought him home for hospice December 30. He passed here at my home....he had been living with me since last August. It’s a pain like no other. I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. Sending you a huge long hug.

 

Nani, I am so terribly sorry. This pain seems to never go away. All I can say is that at least we were there in their last moments. It makes me feel a little better knowing that I gave everything I had and I know that you did too. Thank you for replying. My friends don't understand the pain I'm in since they have never experienced it. Please don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk more.
-Bri

 

I just read your story and I too was hoping someone would give advice on coping with the overwhelming grief I have. My dad passed away in December and it has been awful. He was buried two weeks before Christmas. I can't look at videos yet because I cry hysterically. I miss him so much. I was a caregiver of my dad and we were extremely close. There is a sense of relief that he isn't suffering but I am feeling mostly anger that he was sick to begin with. Life sure isn't fair.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad 11 days ago and I feel lost. He was sick in the past and always got better. This time he wasn’t sick but just had a cough and the next thing I know my mom calls to tell me he passed at home of a heart failure. We weren’t prepared it was so sudden. I just don’t know how to feel. It’s like I’m a zombie. I hate that all of us have to deal with this loss and this feeling. Life doesn’t make sense.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through too. Your loss is so new. My dad passed in December and I was just going through the motions in the very beginning. For me right now since it will be 4 months, I am in the thick of deep grief. No one really talks about it or shares what to expect. You just can't prepare yourself for the feelings that flood your mind. One thing for sure you can never prepare yourself for a loss. Someone famous just recently said that you aren't really living if you haven't experienced pain and passion and I believe it. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone so dearly. The question is how to deal with those emotions. My best wishes to you. You are right that life doesn't make sense. I guess I am just trying to be grateful for having someone like that in my life to have these overwhelming sad feelings. I am lucky to have had a great dad when so many people do not. Hang in there for the bumpy ride.

 

I lost my dad three weeks ago tomorrow and it is suffocating. He raised me by himself. He was my whole world growing up, and my best friend as an adult. He died following a long, long, terrible battle with COPD and heart disease, but it was still unexpected when it happened. He was just laughing with me in the morning about my son's diaper, but I was cranky that morning and didn't laugh with him and I have so many regrets about how the last few days of his life went and I miss him so much that I can't breathe sometimes. I don't know how to do this without him, or when it starts to feel real. He lived with us for the last two years, which was great, but also hard, and it means that every. single. thing. around the house reminds me of him. Family dinners are obviously lacking his place at the table. There's no noise from his TV in the basement. There's no shuffle as he makes his slow way up the steps. There's no texts telling me how much gas costs in Texas, or at 9:22 telling me it's his favorite time of the day. There's no one making a mess in the kitchen after he spends four hours making one batch of cookies because it takes him so long to catch his breath. There's no hugs. There's no, "I sure love you, kiddo." There's just quiet. I just want him to know how much he meant to me and I can't breathe.

 

If its any consolation, you are not alone in your feelings. I feel the same exact way about my dad. I can't breathe and I have to divert my mind because it scares me not being able to breathe. My dad too was everything to me. I gave up seven years of my life to take care of him. His last words to me were that he loved me. I am thinking about going to a grief counselor but then again I feel that it won't be of much help. The pain is too deep. My dad was in and out of the hospital a lot and I made friendships with doctors and nurses too so the feelings are complex. I had a few doctors giving me a hug and several nurses that cried because my dad was so beloved. I am on this horrible journey and I have no idea where it is taking me. I too like you cry at the drop of a hat. I can't go into a drugstore or dept. store without thinking of him. I used to buy all of his necessities and it crushes me that I don't have to buy him soap or a nice shirt anymore. I wish there was a magic wand to take this pain away but unfortunately I now have to learn how to deal with the void that is left. Just know that you are not alone and that grief will take you to places you never thought possible. I keep playing things over and over in my head. Right now I can't look at photos of him without becoming hysterical. I am so sorry for your loss and what has helped me is the thought that I feel blessed for having him in my life and that so many are not as lucky. Be grateful for the positive and that you had him in your life. You had each other which is wonderful. I am trying to also be kinder to myself but it is difficult. I know my dad wouldn't want me to be in so much pain and I try to tell myself that but it is a daily and even hourly struggle.

 

Thank you for your words. I feel like we are all very lucky to have had a love like the one our fathers showed us. To have the memories we have. Nothing can ever take those away. Just that feeling that I wish I could see him again or that I could tell him I love you one more time is what hurts. It had been a while since I had talked to him and I regret so much not calling sooner. I live far and I had a flight booked to see him and my mom in May, but now it’s like May is almost here and he is gone. Why didn’t I make the flight sooner? Or why didn’t I tell him I loved him more. It’s just this empt feeling.

I also feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. Like him being gone hits me all over. Sometimes I call my mom and ask her how her and my dad are doing, then I realize what I did and we both cry. It’s hard to see my mom grieve too, I wish I could take her pain away.