I lost the love of my life Katie on 01/15/2020. Not sure where to start really. Around 12 years ago she had to had surgery witch went very wrong, the doctor Nicked her Pancreas and covered it up. When it was finely discovered that her pancreas was leaking in her abdomen, the doctors didn’t want to fix it right away and in stead waited tell it got worsened to the point it almost killed her. And after 30 plus surgery’s to fix the damage. The doctor ended up moving her stomach to her throat. And had intestinal issues witch led to need a feeding tube for around 2 years. Last June she had the tube removed and was so excited for this summer. On the morning she passed I made her breakfast and we were talking when she started getting gas. As I rubbed her back trying to help her burp and expel her gas, she felt hot so I got the thermometer and took her temperature witch was normal. As I went to put away the thermometer she asked me to stay with her and I told her it would only take a few seconds and it did. When I returned to are room she was still. I had only been gone for ten seconds. She wasn’t breathing, I called her name and nothing. I rolled her on her back, her eyes where open and the light in her eyes where gone, I Immediately called 911 and started CPR. It seemed like hours passed waiting for help to arrive. 7 minutes is how long it took for help to arrive. When they got there we moved her to the floor and they took over CPR and food started coming up. A few min later they moved her to the living room and had to use a vacuum type thing to clear her airway of the food coming up. After 20 minutes of working on her they told me if there was no heartbeat after the next Defibrillator hit they were going to call time of death. As my heart shattered someone said I have a pulse. They got her out to the Ambulance. I gathered some clothes for her to come home in with high hopes she was going to be come home. When I walked in the ER and asked for her a was told to wait. Her daughter came out and got me a few minutes later and said the words I never wanted to hear, moms Dying. Katie had a DNR and we had to let her go. It broke me. I sat at her side holding her as she took her last breath. My whole world shattered that day. The pain I fill is great, my soul is Screaming in pain. I’ll I see is a dark Tunnel with no light at the end. She died in my arms and I replay everything in my my head wandering what I did wrong. Did I not do CPR good enough, did I not call 911 fast enough, is it my Fault she gone, I do blame myself cause I wasn’t good enough to save her. I can’t talk talk to her kids about what happened cause it would hurt to much and they don’t need that kind of pain. And now I’m lost in the darkness....
Jim, so sorry for all you both went through. I'm not going to tell you to stop second guessing yourself, not because you didn't do everything you knew to try to do, but because it's a part of the process. I too did and still do the same. I do it less now because with time clarity starts to seep in. Understandably you're in shock, and you don't want this to be true, and the second guessing is a way of saying to ourselves just maybe some way we wouldn't be in this predicament. You did do everything that you could in those moments, there is no reason that you wouldn't. Allow yourself the space to feel that pain. Reach out to family, friends, and on here.
I'm sorry to hear the pain your in Jim, it's the hardest day in your life. I too believe second guessing yourself is what we all do, as previously stated you did all you could do as did the first responders and doctors. Family, friends and time are going to help and on the site you're surrounded by people who understand the awful grief you're experiencing, you will find a way to get through these dark days !! Dan
I’m so sorry for your loss I lost my husband feb 9 2020, he was 43 I’m 38. I too did cpr and was unsuccessful. I live with the guilt every moment I breathe. I miss him dearly. I’m at a loss for words for your situation I’m just sorry for you -Crystal
Jim and Crystal. I am truly sorry for both of your Losses. I realize there truly are not Any words that can take away your pain and sadness. I did not lose a spouse but I Loss my daughter in a tragic car accident. I can tell you that coming here can be a Lifeline. I know that dark abyss where Nothing seems worthwhile. It's a difficult road but you will see light again.
Sorry... Sent my reply unfinished. It has been ten years since I lost my daughter but I am Here when I thought I would Never get beyond a single day without her. People would say I wouldn't survive if I lost my Child but you do. What other choice are we left with?, I felt very alone and had friends and family but they were dealing with the Loss as well. I was exhausted from the pain never leaving me. There was No Escaping It. I eventually met a couple amazing people on a Grief Site and together braved this journey that No One ever wants to be on. People tend to think that after Ten yrs you are Okay. My life is in a different place and I have found happiness and hope again but I will Always Miss my beautiful daughter. And still have days that can be very difficult. I hope you keep talking and reaching Out and know that you are not Alone.
Looking for that light, Sunday's are particularly difficult it was our day together. His shop was closed, and I tried my best to confine my appointments to Saturday (realtor) I just tell people that Sunday's were blocked unless it was urgent. He'd always understand, but we'd make breakfast special, usually pancakes.
I don't know what had me look here after logging off just a bit earlier but I have. I am Sorry. I have a dear friend that lost his wife a few yrs ago ( older gentleman)and he Hates the weekends because he said he seldom sees anyone. He plays Bridge during the week and has a couple other things he does but weekends are extremely hard. I know that overwhelmeing feeling of how can I get through this?? And often we don't want to burden our family or friends because so we put on that pretend smile. I remember being at the supermarket one time and the cashier commented on how lovely my necklace was and I just started crying. I wanted to run out the door but I was in the middle of paying. It's not an easy road but I can tell you that you will make it. I used to tell myself if one day becomes too hard then one hour and then one minute. I just want You to know that even though I don't know You I do know that deep sadness that can engulf you. Please know that there is Support Here. I will check back here later today. I hope you may find a bit of comfort in knowing other's understand and Care. Vickie
It's not an easy road for any of us, and there's wonderful support here back and forth. On a good day we send some on a bad one we take some. In the end it helps to be around those that "get it." I too wear a necklace that I get compliments on it has the diamond that I wore on our wedding day in it. Years later we had bought a fancier wedding set for one of our anniversaries. It's lovely, I cherish it, however what I wore on that special day is the most important. The start of it all. Looking at it makes me smile and cry at the same time. About now is when we'd be relaxing together watching some TV and discussing plans for the week. Vickie, sorry for the loss of your daughter, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your kind words. I imagine you have many special memories and I know for myself I do my best to remember those when the sadness hits me. I have had years to work through my grief and it has moved from being directly in front of my face to my shoulder. Someone once said that some years ago that had lost someone dear and I thought it was one of the best ways to explain it. It was a Grief Site that gave me a Lifeline a couple yrs after losing my daughter.
Jim, I am so very sorry for the passing of your spouse. My heart goes out to you is this time of need. You experienced so much, and to also have to cope with your wife Katie as well during all the times of her needs. To be there when she takes her last breath is a testimonial to your love for her. To have endured all the medical missteps, the ups and downs of Katie's final path in life, as I can see by your emotions in your words was shattering. Jim, please don't ever blame yourself for your loss. What both of you endured was and is very hard to get beyond. This darkness you speak of is real, but as you reach out and talk of how badly you feel, and how much you miss Katie it is so understandable. You have to give yourself time to come to terms of your loss. Please don't ever give into your despair and dark thoughts that come after loss. As you were by her side as each event happened in her final days, you were doing the best any man could have done under the circumstances. I want you to know, you need to never stop talking, asking for her, feeling melancholy, and above all, seek like minded others. Share what was so special to you about Katie. Let others know how beautiful a person she was to you and why. Take all the time you need to do this. Never cast doubt on yourself, for it is obvious by your own words and actions you were her guardian till the end. There is life after the death of a loved one. You may not realize that right now, but as you wake each day, and take breaths, I am sure your thoughts will be all over the place. This grief cloud (the darkness) you are now in is of course real. But if you will just give yourself a chance, and talk, talk, talk, as time passes your healing inside will begin. I have faith in you Jim, you sound like such a caring person. Please take care and God Bless. david Jim, This song is for you:
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I have started working again, it took me a month and a half to leave my room, every day is unbearable with out her. If I don’t keep myself in check all I do is cry and I’m not on to let other see my emotions. But I am trying to put the peace’s back together and taking on step at a time. So thank you.
Jim, I just read your story, I am so sorry for your loss and all you’ve endured. I feel your pain in your words, everything seems to stop with such a devastating loss. It’s so hard to do everyday things. Let the tears happen and talk to family and friends it’s all very cathartic. But don’t push yourself too much, as you mentioned, one step at a time. . Your soul mate was the most important person in your life, sadly you’re now on a bumpy road trying to feel some narmalcy. It’s a process we all know and totally understand your feelings. I find the fact that people on here understand what it feels like to be very helpful. I believe you will too. Keep posting and communicating, try to accept help that might be offered. I tended to thank everyone but not say I could use some company or could you run to the store. People do want to help, have someone come over on a given day to sit and have coffee. Such a simple thing is very helpful. We’re here to help support you. Wishing you better days ahead. Robin
