Lost father a year ago and felt lost ever since

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by shays4, Oct 12, 2019.

  1. shays4

    shays4 New Member

    My dad and I didn’t always have the best relationship growing up. But in recent years, we had made amends and had gotten so much closer. In March 2018, he was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer was progressive but came to a sudden halt and hadn’t spread, we were so grateful for that. I’m 26, 25 at the time, and I had been telling him how I was about to start my last year in college and how I would finally be graduating the following spring with my bachelors. He was so excited and couldn’t wait to watch me walk.

    However, on August 20, 2018, my whole life changed. My mom came to my work beside herself and told me I needed to leave because of a family emergency. I left. When I got home, she sat me down and told me “Dad’s gone. He died this morning”. It still feels like it happened yesterday. The night before my brother and I had been discussing putting him into a more hands on care facility because he was getting early onset dementia. He was only 69. The next few weeks were a blur. I started my senior year of college and was also planning my dad’s funeral.

    I somehow was able to get through that last year of college and I graduated in May of this year, dedicating my graduation to my dad whom was 9 months shy of watching me walk.

    I have felt so lost without him ever since. I don’t feel like I know what I want to do anymore. My boyfriend has stuck through it all with me but I know my grief has affected him and our relationship. Both of his parents are still alive and I don’t feel like he could ever understand where I’m coming from. My mom and dad were separated when he passed, but they were still best friends and loved each other and were still partners.

    I don’t feel like my mom quite understands. Because she lost her dad, but that was after she had been married with kids, right before I was born.

    I’m the youngest of my dad’s 5 kids. So he was the for the first 3 marriages, and for the first grand children.
    I don’t get to have my dad walk me down the aisle at my wedding. And he doesn’t get to be there when I have children. There’s just no one I know who can possibly understand or empathize with this because there’s so many life events that my dad will be missing.