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Lost every day

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by WoodMan, May 2, 2019.

  1. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I started out the morning with some yardwork. Seemed like a pleasant day. All of a sudden memories of Mary came to me and I started crying so hard. There’s nothing special about today, just another day without her. I am praying she will come back to me. These prayers continue, I know God will not answer that prayer. I miss everything about her. Her smile, her little look, her hugs, her kiss. No amount of staying busy can get this off my mind. I MISS HER...... It hurts so bad, like my chest is being ripped out. I’ve cried so much this morning I am sick at my stomach. My life is so incomplete and she is the only thing that can complete it.
     
  2. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    It has been a terrible day today. I’ve been crying almost all day. Every little thing reminds me of Mary and how much I miss her. I’m sitting on the back porch now watching it rain. The yard and the flowers are so beautiful, she would love to see this. Everything is so refreshed by the rain. My entire body is consumed with grief. It feels like I have ran a marathon my body is hurting all over. I see no way I can make it without her!
     
  3. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I slept in this morning, first time in a long time. I got up feeling pretty good. I went outside and walked around the yard. Went in the house and fixed a sandwich for breakfast. Went out on the patio with my sandwich and a glass of milk and it hit me. Mary’s wanting me to do something and I don’t know what it is. So I’ve been crying and asking her to tell me what to do. I had planned on doing some things in my shop this morning and now all I can do is cry. I hope to get myself together but it’s not looking good. I am so lost without her. It hurts so very bad.....
     
  4. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I had to get up and go to work today but I had a feeling that Mary was trying to tell me something. I got to work, stayed about an hour and a half. Then I told my boss that I just had to go and I’ll be back later. I drove 45 miles one way to be with my Mary for a few minutes, just to talk to her. Indeed I found flowers on the grave had been blown around and I had to fix those, I think that’s what she was trying to tell me. I stayed for a while and I also cried for a while. I have a decision I need to make and I wanted to talk to her about it, back to work. I miss her! I am truly lost without her!!!!
     
  5. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    Fourth of July, whoop. I was up at 5:30 AM and did some yardwork. Mary and I would be getting ready to grill out and have the kids over. It’s just another day without her. I feel as if it will always be that way.
    I’ve tried doing the things that are used to do by myself. For some reason it’s not the same. I find myself doing what I have to. Eat, do the dishes, clean house, go to work and repeat. Since I don’t work today it makes the loneliness even worse.
    I’m sitting on the back porch now, it’s a beautiful day. All I can think of is how much I miss her. I pray that God will give me the strength I need to carry-on. Then I pray that she will come back to me. Then I cry, just like I’m doing right now. I am truly lost without her !
     
    blkcrwf1 likes this.
  6. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    I know what you are going through today. I cannot get motivated to try and do the things we would usually do for today. I haven't even put my flag up. I'll probably just order a pizza. I would usually have mowed and crisped up the yards and rose bushes and high pressure spray off the patios, clean the grill and get ready for the cooking. It was so much fun working as a team. We had it down to an easy and fun routine and usually had some time for our self's before family would show up. Man I miss her today!
    Going to be a rough day.
     
  7. blkcrwf1

    blkcrwf1 Member

    I too lost my husband in March of this year. I am experiencing many of the things you talk about. I too cry alone and am so lost I don't know what to do. At first I ran away from our house I did not want to be here. I look for him and he is not there. Lost I am will I ever be happy again and want to live because right now I do not see that happening. So lonely don't know how to live without him
     
  8. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    I’m
    so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I know the feeling all to well. Everyone asks me what they can do to help. All I want is my husband back. I just want him home with me. I miss him so bad.
     
  9. HeidiHeidi

    HeidiHeidi New Member

    This is exactly what I’m feeling everyday since May 23 since my sweet husband passed of cancer! He was just 52 and was diagnosed just 3 months prior! I can’t stand life or people or anything. Day is no better than night and weekends bring no relief over week days life is just really scary right now.
    Maybe just knowing there are others suffering in similar situations can help me start to want to continue. I am here and I understand what you’re going through. I don’t have any suggestions but am here is this unfortunate club that I would do anything not to be in but I’m in!
     
  10. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry to hear you are going thru this. My husband passed away May 3 from a very sudden heart attack. I was at work when he gave me a call and said he couldn’t breath then the phone went dead. I never drive so fast home in all my life. I want him back so bad. I miss him. And you are right. The days and nights weekdays and weekends are no different one day is the same as the other. They all suck. I cry everyday I sob into sleep at night. People don’t understand to talk to them. This group has been great to talk to and listen. All I can do is stand up in the morning. Even though I would rather it be him standing. I am here too if anyone needs to vent or cry.
     
  11. Agm52

    Agm52 Member

     
  12. Agm52

    Agm52 Member

    Woodman, I was on this site often when I was so deep in grief, the first few months after my husband passed. It's been a year now. But the pain, the yearning to hear his laughter again, and how my heart aches for my old happy life with him is still here..
    I attend GriefShare for Widows in our church. It has helped me a lot to meet other widows who have been through this difficult journey.
    People won't understand the sorrow that we feel. Our spouses are our best friends. They loved us unconditionally. We shared with them our worries. They made our hearts happy. Our soul just longs for them... but I have to remind myself that he's not coming back, and I will never have my old life back.
    My husband and I were married for 27 years. Half of my life was spent with him. And just like you, I felt so lost during the first few months since he passed. I lost 18 lbs. Everything hurts. I had so much anger within me.. and the pain in my chest was so intense, like it's being stabbed. I would cry out to God to carry me... and He did.
    I know that there's gotta be a purpose for this pain. I wake up everyday to my husband's last text message to me: " I want you to be strong and trust God. Everything will be ok...."
     
  13. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    I know how you feel brother. I’m 23, and just lost my wife of 8 years..I feel so lost and confused. Besides work, my wife was always the one who would set the plans for the day, and just be there for me. Now I just have No one , and feels like nowhere to be. And I can relate when you said you feel like you are taking away from her..I feel guilty , like it’s hard for me to hold my kids, and grab food, or just be outside with the sun..because she would have loved to do all of those things, and now I’m just here experiencing it on my own. Just feels wrong .