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Lost and angry

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Kimiee, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. Kimiee

    Kimiee New Member

    This is my first time posting, I just stumbled upon this group today. I lost my boyfriend/best friend on August 28. He called me the night before and asked me to go over to his house because he hurt his back. When I got there, I asked him what happened but he wouldn’t tell me. I was so irritated at him. That was 8:30pm. I tried to massage the knot out of his back, put a heating pad on it, told him to take a hot shower, everything I could think of to do for a pinched nerve. That’s what I thought he had. For hours with no relief, I begged him to go to the doctor but he hates doctors. Finally at 4:15am, he let me take him to the ER. He was fine. He was coherent. He was giving me directions to the hospital. When we got there, he said ‘Kimmie, I think I’m going to faint’ and he suddenly died right in my car in the driveway of the ER. I was in shock, thought he had a seizure but he was gone. I have so much guilt for how I acted that night, being so irritated and annoyed that he wouldn’t tell me what happened, etc. I was a bitch. I told him he needed a professional masseuse to go over the next day to help him because I wasn’t a professional. I had no idea he was having a dissected aortic aneurysm. Now I’m angry all the time and am alienating everyone around me. I am so broken and don’t know how to pick up the pieces of this shattered life.
     
    Barry likes this.
  2. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    I'm so sorry. You had no way of knowing what was really going on. All I can say is that the best way I have found to deal with the anger part of grief is to beat the hell out of my mattress with my pillow. Anger is energy that needs to be discharged. Depression is lack of energy entirely. Grief bounces us between emotions frequently, even from one moment to the next. The best we can do is try try to learn to ride the waves. That sounds ridiculously easy, but in reality is probably the hardest thing we ever have to do. I'm here because I lost my daughter August 16. I'm trying to cope just like everyone else here.
     
    Barry likes this.
  3. Kimiee

    Kimiee New Member

    I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can’t even imagine. Thank you for your response and the tips. I will give mattress beating a try. I feel sort of stupid for being here when I know others are suffering much worse than I am. I guess I just felt like talking about it with a stranger, with no judgment as to why I can’t move forward yet, would help. So I do truly appreciate your words. My thoughts are with you and maybe together, we can take a step forward.
     
  4. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    There is and never should be a scale to measure who is suffering worse. The only important point is that we are all suffering in grief. How much any of us is suffering changes moment to moment.
    The important thing is that we're all trying to deal with it and work through it the best we can.
    I'm glad you're going to give mattress being a try. It's totally harmless and may help with accidentally spilling anger onto innocent bystanders. I've also found that screaming in a private place, so as to not alarm others, until you can scream no more helps to expel the deep sorrow faster than just to cry.
     
  5. Kimiee

    Kimiee New Member

    You are right, there is no scale for grief. We are all here dealing with it in our own way and I guess the biggest part of that is we are all here for the same reason. A friendly ear to vent to, without fear of judgment. I have screamed. I have yelled. I have cried. I have been silent. It’s like an emotional roller coaster that won’t quit. I guess we are all just trying to take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Thank you again for responding. It does help to hear from others.
     
  6. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Grief can make us crazy. We all grief in different ways. It's good to talk to people who's going through the same pain though cause they understand more than people that havnt been through it. Each loss is different though but we all have what if questions. I lost my fiancee about 7 months ago and it seem to hurt more everyday. I wonder if things had gone differently if we'd gone to the ER earlier too. We all have some type questions but there is no way of knowing what the outcome wouldve been either way. Get your anger out either way you feel scream, beat the mattress, write down your feelings. Get it out and take control of the anger before it controls you. Praying you continue to get stronger with each challenging day.
     
    JMD likes this.
  7. Kimiee

    Kimiee New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss as well. This year has just been brutal. You are right, we can’t blame ourselves for the what ifs. Which is easier to type than do. Besides the grief of him being gone, the guilt is almost as unbearable. I guess we have to forgive ourselves and know that we did everything we could and cherish the happy memories we have with them. Again, easier said. Thank you for reaching out. This forum is a huge outlet and it helps just talking with others going through similar circumstances. I hope that you continue to get stronger with each passing day. I’m here if you need an ear. Hugs.
     
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss. There is no way you could have known what was truly happening with him. He probably didn’t think it was serious either. The symptoms of an aneurysm imitate many things, most of them not life threatening. I lost my husband in July from complications of his lung cancer treatment. He was 59 - too young to die. We had such a great life together, so simple. We did not fight a lot but we did get on each other’s nerves and bickered sometimes. We got over it fast. After he passed away, I kicked myself for every impatient unkind thing I ever said or did. I exhausted myself doing it every day. After a while, I was able to realize that we were both imperfect humans and bickering is part of the relationship. Don’t beat yourself up, the truth is, you would probably have done anything for him. There was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You drove him to the ER and stayed with him because you cared. And you are grieving because you loved him. Prayers for you to have peace.
     
  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Keep posting, you are going to find more help and support here than you could imagine. The understanding of someone who feels as you do will help your healing. Be kind to yourself, you are hurting.