Loss of Mother

On August 30, 2015 my life drastically changed...I woke up to a call from my dad telling me she was gone forever. I knew it was coming but no matter what you try to do, NOTHING in this world can prepare you for the inevitable. For years she complained of not feeling well, constantly being tired, cold, and just all in all not well. She went to every doctor/specialist around proceeded to undergo every test possible and still got no answers, everything came back as it should or negative. Then one year she found she had a rare condition known as MDS which leads to leukemia...but we were to rest assured to know that this condition was treatable and they had caught it in time. She was told she would have to receive blood transfusions and chemo to help however long story short the chemo made her worse and the blood transfusions only helped for a short time...we watched her go down hill fast. She was constantly getting sick to the point of being admitted to hospitals, she started to lose faith and just wasn't improving by any means. At the time I was living 2.5 hours away going to college and made trips home every chance I could get. The bond we had was absolutely unimaginable. She was my best friend, my inspiration, my shoulder to lean on, the one I relied on for advice and sometimes just to listen to me vent. I was able to get home and see her before she passed...was able to tell her everything I needed to before she passed and promised her I would be ok. After she passed I kept myself busy with work, cleaning, and just about anything else to keep me occupied. I truly thought I was ok. My fiance and I were doing fantastic, jobs were taking off and everything seemed to fall into place. Not long after we found out we were expecting our first child (neither of us have children) and were completely elated that our prayers had been answered to become parents of not one but two! We found out our due date was August 30, 2016, the one year anniversary of her passing. I knew right then it was her doing and meant to be....however after a few weeks, we found out that we would miscarry. We were DEVASTATED. At this point my dad was started struggling after my mom left and wasn't taking care of himself and he too has numerous health ailments. That was when we decided to move back home and stay with him temporarily to get him back on track. We are living in my childhood home and at first it was great but after 2 yrs of being here I have realized that all this time that I had thought that I mourned her death, I have in fact avoided it and am now flooded with sorrow. I am at my whits end inside my own head and struggling to get through every day. I don't have health insurance to seek help professionally, but I know I am on the verge on a nervous breakdown and soon....any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

So sorry for your loss, my loss is still very new and I have no words of wisdom for you. Just know that you are not alone and this site is helping me.

 

I am so sorry for your loss as well...I just want to be myself again.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom October 25th 2013. I was 21 at the time. She had health issues but nothing serious enough to expect her passing. She died from a heart attack at 50 years old. Less than two weeks later I lost my best friend and cousin to a rare heart disease she had been battling since she was a child. Both losses so close together was something I really couldn't handle. I was depressed for a long time. After awhile I too started avoiding my grief. I don't know if it was on purpose, or if it was more necessary for my situation. I don't really have advice for you, because i too am struggling to get by but I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

It just seems that lately I do feel so alone. My fiance is wonderful and is always there for me to talk to but he just doesn't understand what it is like to actually go through. My dad and sister just tell me it's time to move on and let go or I get the this isn't how mom would want you to be line. But I guess it seems to affect me more because I am so devastated to know my mom will never see me get married or start a family and I am jealous of my sister having that. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. It's getting to the point I have to force myself out of bed everyday.

 

I too want desperately to feel like myself again. I am trying so hard to make that happen but I can only hope that time will help.

 

Do any of you have advice for ways to help the depression/anxiety? As i said in my original post, I do not have health insurance so I cannot go to a professional but I also don't want medicine....something natural?

 

I have found guided meditation is helpful for me in relaxing. If you google it there will be lots of options. Some I like, some I don't. The nice thing, once you find one you really like you can call it up at anytime to take a few minutes to reset you anxiety and calm down.