Loss my wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Cdouglass, Jul 17, 2019.

  1. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    not sure what I’m looking to get out of this, maybe some sense of a community, or just somebody who may know exactly what’s going through my mind. It was been 72hrs since my wife has been taken from me..she was my wife for 8 years, we met at 14 and had our first child tg ar 17..we have been tg every step of the way, always faced things as a team..I loved that woman more than life itself, she was such a loving and pure person..always pushing me out of my comfort zone, always trying to heal my confidence..I’m so lost right now, no sense of direction, no purpose..no real hope..because the one person given to me, that was everythingrg and all I needed, who completed me..has been taken, so what’s the fucking point of drifting through life as if I could ever just get used to doing things without her. Just don’t understand it.
     
    SpunkyRedHead and Medapa like this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Cdouglass, I am so very sorry for your loss. There are so many here who can relate to the challenge of living a life without a spouse. And I think all of them would tell you that when it has only been 72 hours, it is so hard to know what you need, or what comes next. For now, you may find you sort of drift through the fog of these early days. There are things to be done, and tasks to be completed. There are the parts of "real life", like bills and work and laundry that you may find you do mostly on auto-pilot. In time, as the fog clears a bit, you may find you are ready to try and figure out what comes next. Of course whatever it is, it's nothing you wanted or ever asked for. Anyone who has lost a spouse would never choose this new life that doesn't have them in it.
    For now, give yourself time. Grieve - as hard and as honestly as you can. Be patient with the process- it takes so much longer to even begin to heal than we could ever expect. Be patient with yourself as you stumble and try to make your way through. And be patient with those who don't understand. For the most part, they want to, but they can't, and unless they've been through it, they never will.
    Being part of this community of grievers can help - you'll find support, and validation, and whenever you need us, there will be someone here to connect to. I'm glad you've found us, and I hope we can be a help~
     
  3. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    Thank you for the reply! I find myself just wanting to have messages, to have people to just talk. I feel so alone right now..waking up and going to sleep without her, not having her to make plans for our free time, etc. I just don’t know where to even put myself physically..everywhere I go is just pain, just full of our memories. Just still can’t believe I’m here without her now.
     
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    That's the thing, everywhere you go that doesn't have her in it is going to feel wrong. That's what makes the pain so hard to escape. It's just always there and will follow you wherever you go. Still, I find people do well with a certain amount of busy, but again this is such a new loss for you, that may come a little better with time. In the meanwhile, if you haven't already, click on our "Getting Started" tab to learn all the site has to offer and all the ways you can communicate within our forums. Sometimes commenting on an existing thread works well as it will notify everyone who has already been there, and you get more responses that way too. Hope that can help, please take care~
     
    Medapa likes this.
  5. azmum

    azmum New Member

    i could have written this myself! i understand exactly what you mean. i lost my beautiful husband & best friend right before valentine's day. i feel at a loss at how to begin picking up the pieces. the only thing keeping me going is our 2 kids. there is just this awful void that seems to stretch on endlessly. if you ever want to talk, let me know!
     
  6. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I have 2 little girls left from her, but as far as MY happiness and MY life, I feel there is nothing to look forward to, except just drifting through the day and making sure the girls are good. I just dont see what is left for me. I’ve already loved the most beautiful person in the world, I’ve already lived that life with her and idk if I’ll ever have the desire to move on from what we had. Just seems useless. I’m always open to talk! This is a fresh wound for me, and there will be many moments of loneliness that I could fill..especially with somebody who KNOWS the pain. People just keep saying all the typical things (I know they mean well) but like I have to wake up alone, and go to sleep alone..nobody else. I have to go through the everyday motions of life and see her absence. Just hurts more than anybody but someone in our position, could even imagine .
     
  7. Medapa

    Medapa Member


    I find similarities in these posts as well. My husband of 17yrs has been gone 3mo. He passed suddenly withput warning. I came to this site to see and talk to people who know and understand. Everyone says.to me -Im so sorry, I cant imagine what your going through- They are right, unless your living this nightmare you cant. I couldn't before this happened. I feel so sad all the time. I cant work, sleep, do norm activities. I hate the fact I will never feel his hugs pr hear his voice again. I feel robbed, he was robbed. He was 41 and we were finally feelimg like we'd made it all pur hard work was paying off. It was just 2 of us. We had eachother. And now Im utterly alone
    I pray you find support and help in this online community, because what im hppimg fpr tpo
     
  8. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    I know that feeling all to well. I just ache to hear or feel her touch, even her scent..it fucking hurts. And NOBODY can understand that pain until they live it. It’s not their fault, but it’s just how it is. She was my whole life, like we got together my junior year and within a year I had moved in with her because I didn’t really have the best home situation. And ever since then, we haven’t been apart living wise for the last 9 years. Like I’ve been away from her more than a few hrs, only a handful of times. So her absence is extremely there..no way around it no matter where I go. If you ever need to talk, please talk to me. I need it just as much as you do. Trust me
     
    Medapa likes this.
  9. Medapa

    Medapa Member



    Its truly bizarre,th


    Thank you for replying. It is so hard. Everythingis different, from the way I scoalize, grocery shop, I breathe. The anxiety I haveing the house, worried I will run into people I know ( I live in a small town) exchanging pleasantries while i feel like a zombie, or a big black hole inside myself no one can see but I am aware of it all the time will ve visable ony face.
    When I almost loose it because I brought only one loofa at the store. His hook in shower is empty. Something so simple
    Is so sad to me it breaks my heart. Tjem im flustered and cant wait to get out of public.
    Im unable to hang his coats up and put them into hall closets
    So I leave them on the hooks where he left them at the front door. I run my hands over them when I come home. Pretending a bit hes still going to wear them. They still have a purpose. Its the loneliest and sadest place to be...and its inside my head.
     
  10. Cdouglass

    Cdouglass Member

    T
    trust me, it’s the smallest, most inconvenient things that I struggle with too..from her tank tops, and shorts, to her makeup..it literally takes my breath away, and just consumes me, i wish I could say something to help, but we both know it’s not possible. Just know that morning, day and night..somebody else(me and many many others) are processing the same emotions, over similar things, and feeling very similar. You aren’t alone, and it might sound like I’m doing okay when I say that, but I’m not. I’m crushed and straight up defeated. Every minute of my day is full of her, every minute I feel guilty for still being here without her, trust me. I’m broken right with you. If you wanna message me and talk, please do. I mean it, sometimes those random texts or messages that pop up, can really distract you for a little bit
     
  11. Tim

    Tim New Member

    That sounds about right. We began dating as seniors in high school and after 3 months made it exclusive. That was 45 years ago. We married while I was still in
    college, and never waivered. There were the occasional arguments and anger over this and that, but looking back most of that seems trivial now. She had occasional
    health problems that seemed a mystery at the time, as well as difficulty with pregnancies. Finally after 5-6 years we had one child. But still, she continued having
    strange symptoms and numerous doctors treated her as a hypochondriac. Finally, one specialist put her through tests that determined she had an incurable auto-
    immune disease. I watched over the course of 22 years as this disorder claimed bits and pieces of her life and sometimes her spirit. She was resilient, but she spent
    her final years disabled and frequently in pain. I retired a few years early so I could take care of her at home, and promised her I would not pass her off to strangers
    for her care. As her last moments came, she finally seemed at peace and I hope comfortable. It was difficult to let go but I couldn't deny her this last moment of dignity. Like many of you, I'm having trouble expressing what I'm going through now. She passed away 3 months ago, and it feels like I'm in a vacuum.
     
  12. Amanda B

    Amanda B New Member

    This news is just so shocking and disorienting, and to make any sense of it can feel maddening. Even as time goes on. I'm so sorry for your loss and can only tell you that you have to take care of yourself like it's your job, and take one tiny step at a time. Somehow you'll find that you've gotten through an hour, a morning, a day, then a week. It's so hard though, but be kind to yourself.
     
  13. My husband died May 22. I am bereft of all that he was in this world with me and I have been struggling too. I did find www.refugeingrief.com and that has been somewhat helpful. I also started blogging on FB. It helps me process. Does take pain away but does give me a forum for expressing myself. I think for those of us living in this chaos that was once our lives we have to be able to talk with others who understand. Hoping to find that here for myself. Ease for you Paul. We all need that for sure! https://m.facebook.com/wisecracksblog/
     
  14. I so sorry for your loss, I truly feel your pain, believe me. I met my husband when he was 15 and I was 17, we were friends and as we got older we were together, we got married young and had 3 children together, we would have celebrated our 30th anniversary this past January but he died suddenly of a heart attack last december 2018 , he had just turned 50 years old. I felt my whole world come crumbling down and I started to panic at the thought of not having him here with me, I couldn't wrap my head around him being gone and it terrified me. I couldn't do anything or think straight for a long time, I couldn't even go the the grocery store because we always did that together, we did everything together. I forced myself to do all the things we used to do together because I feared for my children. I didn't want them to see their mother "lose it". there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of him, he is the first thing I think of when I wake up and he is the last when I fall asleep, I used to cry myself to sleep every night, I still sometimes do, but I just keep telling myself that he wouldn't want me to be sad or lose control. It's only been 7 months since he's been gone and the pain still hurts and I miss him more and more and I sometimes feel that I can't go another day without him but I do. I know what your're feeling right now, but just take it one day at a time and everyday you will look back and wonder how you got through it but you did. I still can't believe that this has happened to me and to him and I thinking ahead to a life without him still scares, a part of me is gone, I can't remember a time he wasn't in my life and now I have to make a new life without him. It's so hard to even think about it but i have to and I pray you will too. Take comfort that you have your children and she is still with you and that you had the time that you had together and that she knows you loved her.