Loss my husband 1 month ago

My husband had a accident at work on February 18, 2020, he was hit by a front end loader that was plowing snow he died instantly. I met him when I was 19 years old, and we’ve been together ever since. We married in 2002 and have 4 grown children the youngest 22. He was my best friend, I’m struggling with being alone missing him so much. I cry everyday for him and I feel so lost I just don’t know how I’m going to get through life without him.

 

Rebekah,
First let me offer my sincere condolences, I am so sorry for your loss. Tragic accident and life is in turmoil. Being alone is one of the hardest things we get thrown at us. The loneliness hurts so bad. I know exactly how you’re feeling, as does everyone one else on here. My husband had a massive heart attack, from onset to him passing was 2 hours. Met him when I was 16 and he was 19. Together 44 years. The loss of our soul mate is devastating, I’m guessing your mind feels like it’s in a fog, sleep in difficult. Let the tears fall, I still cry multiple times a day. Tomorrow it’s 16 months for me. I dread the monthly count, each month just feels unreal. Everything you’re feeling is normal.
You came to the right place, everyone on this site knows what you’re going through. Everyone is compassionate and caring. We all understand the horrible feeling and we’re here for support.
It’s ok to do nothing, your life has been turned upside down. Your life partner was taken from you. Take one day at a time, or one hour, one minute. Don’t push yourself, things can wait. And please, try to accept help that is offered. I made the mistake of saying thank you but never saying could you help with this or anything. A good help is to ask a family member or friend to please sit and have a cup of coffee with me on Tuesday at 10. Try to set a day. They’ll be happy they’re helping you and will feel good to both of you.
I hope your children live close and you can all support one another. My daughter lives close and we were each other’s support. Still are, but she stayed with me for months. My son is in Florida but also good support.
Take care of you, cry when you need to, let it out, get through a day before you think of the next day.
We’re here to support you!
Sending you hugs! Robin.

 

I too am so sorry to hear about your loss. There aren’t enough words to describe your pain.. Robin offers fantastic advice. She has helped me face and get through some very difficult days. This site is a wonderful resource. Please let us help.
Bill

 

Rebekah, So sorry for your loss. The loss of your best friend, your partner in life is so enormously hard to accept. You fall in love and raise children. You hope you will see life together as they grow and mature. You plan so many things around them, and both of you as well. When they are taken from us, the reason why is not as important as you will feel I needed more time with them.

I know Rebekah, your heart is broken and must find it hard to feel whole. Tears must be easy, but those tears are what you now need to help yourself and your children heal slowly and eventually feel much better inside.

Rebekah, feeling lost, lonely, at odds with life, how to get up each day, how to go on, how to put a comforting face on for your children is heartbreaking. When I lost my wife, I tried my best to keep my tears from my sons to not upset them, but I later realized that was wrong. I had to let them know we are all so sad, and it is normal to be that way, and be emotional.

After my wife Nadine passed, I looked for anything I could to make days seem more liveable, I opened all our picture albums, slides, videos and shared them with my sons as well. What I did notice how guarded they both were when it came to talking about their mom. They both had quiet times, angry times, so I took it as slowly I could be with both of them.

I know what it was like when my dad died in college, it was hard to open up to my college friends even when they came to my house. Sure, I might say an emotional sentence or two, they could realize my voice would be up and down. It is sorrow such as this is what you need to try to help them open up and release their feelings.

So even though my grief has mostly faded, sure I still have tears at times, but I am not really sure my son's feelings have healed fully inside. I remember at her funeral standing before everyone, my sons were looking only at me. It was the toughest speech of my life I ever made, I hope it helped them.

Sure, everyone hugged and kissed us, and then went their way, but it was our time to pick up the pieces left of the broken family circle. Sure I am religious, I pray to God. I just know if you have faith, I will tell you this is when you need it most. If you are not, that too is ok, for love is what brought your children into this world.

Love is what keeps your world revolving. Please don’t ever lose that love, hold onto it and never let it go. Let your emotions flow freely, let those tears come, and most of all talk, especially with your children of how you are feeling and ask them.

Your grief will be so very hard to overcome, but please don’t ever give in despair. Find what will help you to cope on a daily basis, some hobby, some exercise, some volunteer work, perhaps through home with the covid19 virus right now. I realize we are in turbulent times right now, but even so, we have many ways to keep in contact.

Please just pick up the phone and keep in touch with your children if they are not at home, or use a computer. I know words will be hard to come some days, and night can be so lonely. I know my bed had my wifes pillow, her special blanket, and I just felt comforted at night with them.

Take all the time you need, and please don’t think there is such a thing as talking too much. As you open up, your heart will slowly heal. I hope peace will come to you tonight.

-david

I found this song:

 

Rebekah, so sorry to read your post. My story is similar to yours in that I lost my sweet wife suddenly to a brain aneurysm. She never regained consciousness and died the next day. We were together 25 years. Love at first sight. Soulmates. Between us we have three children all grown and out of the house so now I'm alone in our house that she made a home.and I paid for. Lonelyness is the worst part for me. My sweet love Peggy was my best friend, companion, lover. We have a wonderful love story. I asked her to marry me 3 weeks after we met and she said yes! It's been 5 Months and I still cry almost every day. I'm working again and that helps. Home is the lonliest place now. I have to keep busy when I'm home. We are struggling much the same way. You're not alone. My Peg died 11/2/19. I'm a little numb and today. Going thru my daily paces. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That's all I can do.

 

My heart reaches out to both of you. And David always finds the best music for each person who is working through their grief. On April 18 my soulmate, Janet, and I will reach the 6 month mark of her passing. I still cry nearly every day and still miss her every minute of every day. Janet taught me that was ok to cry (even though you are a big boy) . Go ahead and cry. Voltaire said that tears are the silent language of grief. You’re right, all you can do is take one step at a time.
I’m praying for you..
Bill

 

Hi Rebekah. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in November, sudden heart attack at work. I met him when I was 19, we had just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have 2 children, 16 and 21. It is 5 months for me. Life is certainly crazy now, sadness in the first month is unbearable, shock and lots of anger. Everyone says it gets easier. I suppose. For me, it just evolves. The feeling toward the pain, the new void in life, and wondering what is purpose of it all. The meaninglessness of things is hard. Sudden death, waking up in the morning with one reality and in the night having to face another is the most traumatic thing I've ever had to experience. I can only say that I have had to learn to be careful with myself, allow myself to feel whatever way, to feel crazy and do whatever each day, to get confused and lost and to feel suddenly ok one day and the next to feel like shit again. There is so much baggage when we lose someone suddenly, unfinished business. Those are your personal and shared demons, to grapple with. So there is a lot to handle, and of course, the whole family and kids.

I think we find our strength in unexpected places, within ourself and outside ourself, angels who come to us to keep us from falling off the edge. I have found solace in people who are out of my main circle, that has helped, and I have depended on a man, who was an old friend and friend of my husband.. which has been complicated and strange, but a blessing. I think what I am trying to say is that you have a lot of emotional, physical and psychological needs now and it is okay to get what you need where you can find it. If it feels right at the moment, don't judge yourself, give yourself a lot of love and latitude to just take what you need to survive one day at a time, to regain your strength.

Reach out whenever.

 

My dear I am so sorry for your loss. My Mike has been gone 5 months. His was a stroke brain bleed and heart attack but all at once and very sudden. I too met him when I was 19. We married 10 days after we met. And I had this wonderful love in my life for 30 glorious years. But,I so feel all of your pain. Nothing anyone says truly helps the pain go away but this is a great place to grieve with others and to speak of all the love and the loss you have had. Please message me anytime. I have no support outside of this sight so I am always available to talk. God bless you.

 

I find it amazing that in our personal grief and isolation, I read these posts that reveals so many stories that closely match my love and loss. Details vary, but at the core, there is a thread the runs through and I wonder what it means. Why is it helpful to learn that you are not alone in your circumstance? I have struggled connecting with friends and family, all of whom knew my dear husband-- I suppose, they know the story and somehow, we may find solace and freedom even in connecting with some distance and anonymity. The feeling of I can say anything and just focus on "me" in this shared cyber space. Sometimes its exhausting to explain, to reveal, to be vulnerable, to be crazy and have to wake up the next day and have to do it all over again. Until, when? Until the new normal becomes bearable and we begin to carve out a new identity for our new single self? I am still angry, perhaps, that life can be so unfair and then to be told that we are the lucky ones for having had 25, 30, 35 glorious years. It is so much complicated than that, isn't it? To love deeply and then the loss? To come to terms with the imperfection within the glory? To think that we are one of the "chosen ones" to carry such a life experience, to be given the task of creating a new life, mid-life, another completely different second half of a life, when others are, after raising children and investing in something, finally able to say, we have arrived at this place and now, we can let out some air, relax and enjoy our maturity... Familiarity is gone. Security. Safety. We are strongest in the end, to survive this and what will be the kind of love we give after this, such open and vulnerable and profound love can only grow out of such suffering and loss. Maybe. Or we journey the second half alone, falling in love with oneself, which for some, may just be enough.

 

KVR
That was a beautifully eloquent post. I t is interesting that we get comfort from reading other peoples stories. We are all singing the same song, just different verses, and those who participate on this forum, truly understand the pain of loss and can relate. Somehow, it’s comforting to share your own pain with someone else who understands. That’s why I am glad I discovered this venue. It has been a great help to me.

 

I lost my husband on March 25, 2020. Yes just a few weeks ago after a very long battle with cancer. We were together almost 25 years and for 17 of those years he had cancer. I knew it was coming and thought that would make it easier. It didn’t. I have never felt so much pain. There is such a hole in my heart and a big void all around me. It is frightening to think I could feel this pain forever. I know it has only been a few weeks but with having to be quarantined because of the virus I am alone. I’ve had to postpone a service for him. It’s just the worst time!

 

I’m so, so, sorry. Your pain is still raw.
My wife. Janet, passed 6 months ago this coming Friday and I still cry nearly every day. Janet died of brain cancer that was discovered in February of last year. After surgery and radiation therapy, they told us, no hope, she’s going to die. She was transferred to a Hospice Care Center and was put on 24 hour bed rest, and I moved in to her room and was with her 24/7 for the last 3 months of her life. She was, and is my everything.
I’m sorry but there is no magic potion
or cure for the torment you’re feeling,
But by reaching out...here...you have already taken the first step toward some peace.
You’re in my prayers.
Bill

 

I’m so sorry for your loss also. Yes I am very raw at this time. The last few years was very hard on both of us but the last 3 months were the worse. His cancer had metastasized to his bones and like overnight the pain was out of control. He had to go into hospice for pain control. We had hoped they would get it under control and come back home but after a few days we knew it wasn’t possible. Eleven days after he was admitted he passed. Watching them in pain is awful and you even pray for them to crossover so they don’t suffer. My husband was my everything too so I can understand how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers and thank you for your kind words.

 

Marsha G
Thank you for your post. Watching your brave husband carry on this war against cancer for all those years had to be so debilitating that I cannot imagine the toll it took on you both. Such a horrible, unforgiving disease. Janet tried to hide her pain from me even as she was dying she worried about me. I didn’t find this out until I read some of her Facebook posts. She is my Hero.
As to my experience with Hospice, they became our family and their grief counselors have continued to help. Even with this current crisis, I have one-on-one sessions every week by phone. Hospice is wonderful! My Counselor, Joanie, is an Angel. Because they let me stay with Janet 24/7 , I was able to spend more precious hours and minutes with Janet that I otherwise would not have had. They are special people and I love them. I am still in contact with many of them, and they’re always in my prayers, as you will be from now on.
Bill

 

Marsha, I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so resent and while we’re going through this quarantine and social distancing. My heart breaks for you. It’s so hard and painful losing our soul mates and having this going on too just makes things so much worse. Sounds like your husband was brave and fought a long hard fight. Cancer is unrelenting.
I lost my husband so different from your loss. We had a beautiful day together and had bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner, visited my daughter, I made us chicken rice soup for dinner, just a nice day. That evening he felt stomach virus type symptoms then changed to chest, screaming in pain. I called 911 and the ambulance came quickly, they worked on him during the drive and once at the hospital all cardiologists at the hospital worked on him. They weren’t successful, I lost the love of my two hours after he felt stomach pain. So fast. My mind was whirling, how can this be happening, Rons healthy. My life has not felt anything normal since then. Next week it’ll be 17 months and life is still very difficult, I miss him every minute of every day. And even more if that’s possible with this heLth scare.
I wish I could say something or tell you something that would help with your pain. But sadly it mainly takes time, and I’ve e found staying busy was the best help for me. But that’s hard right now with your loss so resent and on top of this pandemic. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this alone. I hope you have family and friends staying in touch and are able to talk with them often.
This site has been a great help to me and I’m sure you’ll find it helpful to you. Just knowing others are feeling and going through the same things feels comforting. Keep posting and reading others stories, it is helpful. Reach out as often as you wish or need. Know that you’re not alone.
Sending you hugs! Robin

 

Marsha,

Losing the one we committed our life together, we share our heart with them wholly. I truly am sorry for the loss of your husband.

Living with him fighting cancer is horrible, my wife Nadine died from cancer, so I know how we feel so hopeless at times. To endure all the ups and downs you must have faced of course shatters our outlook for our loved one who is sick.

I know I wished so many times some miracle cure would come along, so that she would suffer no more. All the days you must have risen with if only, and then go through the long day with so much pain and hope in your heart is an experience none of us ever wish to feel.

I know when my wife was taken off the transplant list for the last time my sons and I were raw with despair. I know this pain can last for a long time. It can hold you back, and it is almost unbearable to face day after day.

Being shut in is also unreal. We can’t share our hurt with family, with friends and whoever will listen. I know when I would call someone on the phone, words were almost impossible to utter. Of course you are hurt, and tears will be with you so many days, and to you it may seem like you will never be able to get beyond this loss ever.

I had to talk to priests, more than one counsellor, a psychiatrist and so many people. I wrote a journal about my times with my Nadine, and each day I would post it on Facebook.com. My audience grew, more and more people offered encouraging words. Sure it was helpful, but it was still hard to accept.

Her closest niece promised she would copy every word I wrote and write a book about her favorite aunt Nadine. One day Facebook.com notified in an email someone tried to hack my account. Why I will never know. I just did not feel safe there anymore, so I closed both my wife’s account and my own.

One day I came upon this site. I have been posting here since Sep 25th of last year. There have been many beautiful posts by people who really care, who understand loss. I feel safe here, and I hope you will as well.

For now, take all the time you need. Talk whenever you like about whatever, but talking does help all those emotions you are creating as time marches on to ease over time. Peace be with you today.

-david


This song is for you

 

I



My heart shares your grief.
Once again, David picked a relevant song to help ease the pain. I have found that music speaks to us all.
God Bless You and grant you peace.
Bill