loss can still be "sudden" even if preceded by illness

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by ES70, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. ES70

    ES70 New Member

    Illness did not prepare me for the loss of my husband 11 days ago. Even when he was sick, I saw his smile every morning and every evening and received the kisses he blew to me whenever I came into the room. He was always there for me emotionally and was my greatest supporter. Now he is gone. He died suddenly over 12 hours going from having a conversation with me about every day things to being dead. Has anyone felt this way- that illness does not "train" you for the actual death of your loved one?
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I say it all the time, nothing and I mean NOTHING can prepare us for the finality of death. I think in many ways we're not truly wired to comprehend what a loss is going to feel like when someone is gone. I don't believe that shock is reserved only for those who have had a sudden loss. In my groups we talk about people who have lost a loved one to a long term illness (for example the loss of a mother who had Alzheimers for 10 years) and then those who lost someone suddenly like a heart attack or a car accident. But then there is the group in the middle - those who's loved one was diagnosed with an illness but who didn't have a lot of time between their first symptoms and their decline. In those cases it may seem there was some chance for preparation, but let's face it, as long as our loved one is still here it's hard to focus on anything but them getting better, and holding on to that hope. It sounds like what you're describing and I think a lot of grievers can relate to the challenges you are facing.
    Getting support can help and I'm glad you have found our site. I truly hope it can be a help to you. Please take care~
    FoundaGoodThing2002 likes this.
  3. Tutti

    Tutti New Member

    My husband had been ill with a rare neurologic condition for many years. Even so, my heart was not ready for his death 8 weeks ago. Mentally I thought I was preparing myself, and financially we were making plans for the likelihood that I would be going on alone. None of that mattered though. Because its my heart that is feeling the loss. I feel like he has been torn away from me. Like even my skin hurts. When he was alive, he filled my days with his jokes and conversation. Even the shared silences were special. I guess that his illness couldn't prepare me for losing him.
  4. Feeling alone

    Feeling alone Member

    So sorry for your loss. My mom just lost her spouse (my dad) 2 weeks ago. They were together 51 yrs. It has been so hard for her, myself and 2 sisters. Does it get better?? Its hard to imagine how. My mom now lives alone and her future is of constant worry. Would appreciate any suggestions of how you cope and remain hopeful. Peace to you
  5. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

  6. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right illness doesn’t prepare you for the death of a loved one. I lost my partner on the 15th December 2018, i never thought that i would never see him again, he passed away in intensive care, now I’m all all he was my whole world and now I’m completely alone and devastated.
  7. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

  8. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    I’m just wondering if there’s anyone out there I can talk., I’m scared and completely devastated and lost without my beloved, I feel as if I’m going mad. Please I need a friend.!
  9. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Beccy, I'm so sorry for your loss. We are here to help, and everyone here totally understands. If you're not getting replies in this thread you can always comment in another forum or reach out to an individual. And I am here to help too, in any way I can....
  10. Beccy

    Beccy Active Member

    Thanks for your kind words, I’m glad to know I’m not alone , I’m still trying to find my way around this forum.
  11. FoundaGoodThing2002

    FoundaGoodThing2002 New Member

    An illness or a decline can make a person's passing seem sudden. My wife started having symptoms in Oct 2018. Through the rest of the year, we were thinking about getting her healthy again, not even considering death as a possible outcome. When we received the diagnosis of terminal cancer, we were in disbelief. It didn't seem real. Even through the start of chemo, it just didn't "fit" that this would kill my wife. She checked into the hospital on Mar 6, and who would've ever known that she'd never come home again. She left us on Mar 19. Who in their right mind would think a person could go from seemingly healthy to dying of cancer in 5 months? Yes, we had SOME time to prepare, but when every visit to the doctor sends a new shock to your system, everything feels sudden.

    Beccy, feel free to reach out to me if you're feeling alone. I check in here every few days.