Loss after three decade relationship.

Deb, just read your kind ( as always)
words of encouragement to Karen. I wish
we could all get together, bc lately, I've
found my friends to be superficial and
annoying. But, as I told Ron ( Ronpage), I
had a surprise breakfast with Tom, in his
late 80s, He was one of the first people
I met when I moved here. Hadn't seen him
in a while, bc I usually eat early, & today
was an exception. His memory is faulty,
so he doesn't recall consoling me about
Linda's death. His wife's 11 year
anniversary of her death, is coming up.
I was happy for him that his 65 year old
daughter ( who he hasn't seen in years)
from Florida, is going to stay with him for
a month, while she has an operation up
here. This was the only bright spot in my
day. Despite the sunny 70 degree day, I
was exhausted ( fatigue from grief and
loneliness?), went home for a nap. Now,
I'm having a light supper at home, and
relaxing. My grief seems to be at its' peak
in the early morning hours. How are you,
Deb? Lou

 

Deb, You're amazing in your attention to
detail about Patti, many others, and me.
I just answered your FIRST reply to
Patti. I'm having trouble keeping up with
you. I really hope you can walk tomorrow.
I usually feel better afyer a walk, but, as
you can see from my replies to Patti, Karen, and now, Ron ( Ronpage), even that
wasn't enough today. Glad you're back, so
we can "talk" again. Lou

 

Thank you Lou, so sorry about your dreams and lack of sleep. For months I paced the floor, seriously no sleep. My whole system was and still is "out of wack". I had to tell the PT why I haven't been able to complete all the exercises before Jack's death until now; care giving for him and ignoring myself. He came first and now I'm paying the price trying to get my system back in order. Jack is everywhere. I feel unsettled, can't seem to find me. I think it was Ronpage who said, 'he's ready to go'--I feel the same just can't see a future. That's my heaviness.

I hope the stories here on the forum are helping you connect, or maybe hindering your sleep and sad dreams? I'm feeling sad for all of us and wish we could all hug each other. We are a group in grief, but One in spirit.

I leave Thursday. I may pop a little message on my phone if my fingers hit the right keys. Please take care Lou, you are loved here no mistake about it. Karen

 

Thank you Deb, I'll try. Family ask, "are you excited for a trip". Answer is no, I don't get excited anymore. At least I'll be out of the house. See you when I get back. Take care, Karen

 

Deb I've been following your chats and what made me laugh is Bob who took off his clothes and put them by the hamper on the floor. Jack used to take off his shorts let them drop to the floor, step out and leave them there. It was quite funny to me. Thanks for a laugh. We're grieving groups, but ONE in spirit, Karen

 

Lou,

I loved hearing that you got a pedicure, that you did something special for yourself yesterday. I hope you had another nice day today.

Today was a productive day for me, but a difficult one. I cried... I talked to Bob. I wanted his advice. I wanted him to reassure me that I'm doing the right thing. Taking care of the finances has been very stressful for me. Even though I paid the monthly bills, Bob took care of planning for our future. Normally, Bob, although he would have discussed things with me first, would have been the one to handle what I took care of today.

When I got dressed this morning, I wore the watch that he gave me for Christmas in 2010. I wore it daily until he died. (After his death it was a major trigger for tears, so I stopped wearing it.) I needed to wear the watch today. I needed to feel like Bob was with me. I needed to feel his love. The story behind the watch makes me feel closer to him. Bob had a heart attack on February 3, 2009. He left for work as usual. He got as far as the walk-in clinic (located on the same street, as the fish market), somehow managed to park his car, made it inside as far as the front desk, before he collapsed. He was in critical condition when he arrived at the hospital.

After he had the heart attack, he wanted to buy me a nice watch for Christmas. While on a lunch break, he walked by a jewelry store, and saw one he liked in the window. When he got home from work, he hid it inside the linen closet, above the door, on what looks like a narrow shelf, the"header (?)" When it was time to wrap it and put it under the tree, he couldn't find it. He thought he looked everywhere inside that closet. He bought me something else for Christmas, and never mentioned the missing watch. Right after the holidays, we were cleaning out the closet, packing up well worn sheets and towels to bring to the animal shelter, when he found it! He still didn't mention the watch, but that Christmas, a year after he bought it, it was waiting for me underneath the tree. I'll never forget how his face lit up when he handed it to me. It became one of our favorite "remember when" stories. I miss him so much... Stopping here, I need another tissue.

The rest of today was a good one. I visited my friend who lives several blocks away from me. We had lunch together. It felt so good to be out of my house!!

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I started this much earlier, but my internet connection kept going down. I was surprised when I came back here that some of this message was still here.

 

Karen,

You're welcome!! You just made me laugh too!! We need as many laughs as possible, total understatement!!

It's so nice to "see" you back here again!!

As always, sending you hugs, wising you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

So proud of you, Deb, that you took on the
financial decisions which Bob used to
handle. As we often say here, Bob would've been proud of you, too.I went
downhill, into loneliness & tears, Mon &
Tues, after pedicure. I was sad after PT,
too.The 2 younger, married professional
women, who took the time to listen ( and
to hand me a kleenex box), reminded me of the ONE woman I would give anything
to see again, even for an hour ( as our new
member so sadly & eloquently put it). As you can see from my "letters" to Patti,
Karen, Ron, & others, I 've had a rough
couple days. A bright spot is a couple from
Florida, who stay here every summer. They are taking me to dinner at a hotel
by the water. It's a gem. I'm grateful that
Linda was able to sit at the bar there with
me, having dinner, while looking at the
magnificent sunset over the ocean. But, alas, my outing tonight is bittersweet, bc the couple has to return to Florida soon.
As I've said to others here, I have felt a
real sense of abandonment, reminiscent
of Linda "abandoning" me through no
fault of her own. I've been having a lot of
"Christmas bracelet" flashbacks lately,
all of which have made me cry. Lou

 

Karen,

I know that there is nothing I can do to make you feel any better, but I wish I could give you a big hug...

Just recently, right after I "listened" to Lou, and started using Bob's name instead of referring to him only as my husband, and definitely the other day, after my friends' sent me that funny short video taken while we were on vacation, I had one of those "light bulb moments." I've changed as a person since Bob became sick, and even more now that he's no longer here. As much as I miss him, and as hard as it is to be here without him, there is no way I want to live my life as miserable as I am now. I don't believe that we are still here only to be miserable. I'm struggling to find my purpose, my reason for still being here. I know that I want to help people who are in our position. I also know that I want/need another dog in my life. I've always wanted to train one of my dogs to become a therapy dog, bringing him/her to nursing homes, hospitals, or schools. I wasn't able to do this in the past because I never had enough time. I finally have the time to try to help make other people's lives a bit better. Maybe this is my purpose, or part of my purpose, for still being here.

I hate the life that's been tossed my way, but it's the only one I have. I think about Bob, and how he would have done anything to "still be on the right side of the dirt," and I feel guilty for feeling so miserable. I don't want to waste the rest of my life. I don't want to look back when it's time for me to leave this earth, regretting the things I didn't do. This reminds me of one of Bob's favorite sayings by Mark Twain:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Talking about this is making me cry... I miss Bob with all my heart... I will never be as happy as I was as when I was with him. I know this. But, and this is a BIG but, I have to find a way to make my life meaningful. This brings me to a very difficult thing to talk about. I also don't think that we were meant to live alone. Although no one can ever replace Bob, and I know I never want to remarry, a part of me wants companionship again. It would be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with, someone to take day trips with, someone who I could call on the spur of the moment to see a movie with, etc., etc., etc., I know that I'm nowhere near remotely ready for this, but thinking about living the rest of my life alone, and lonely, is a horrible feeling. But, and this is BIG but, at the same time, I don't want anyone else in my life. I only want Bob. I'm sure this doesn't make any sense, I don't know how to express what I'm feeling. All I know is that when it gets right down to it, the only thing in life that really matters are the relationships we have, the connections we have with others.

I know I'm rambling. Plus my internet connection sucks right now. It's so slow that I lost my train of thought.

So ending this here.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. The new member is Stephanie, from
Florida ( "ksteffie"). Hope you get a chance
to meet her. She reached out again recently, since joining us, back in July. Lou

 

Lou,

My internet connection sucks, so it's making it really hard for me to "talk" to you. For now, just know that I'm thinking about you, and so sorry you're feeling so down. Just as I said to Karen a while ago, I wish I could give you a big hug... I think we all need that group hug, total understatement!!!

Continue taking care of yourself the best you can. "Talk" to you tomorrow.

I hope you get a good night's rest.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I haven't been able to read all of your replies because of my poor internet service. Hopefully tomorrow my internet connection will be better.

It's getting late, so I hope you're sleeping.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen, I agree with your comment to Deb:
I can't get "excited" about anything right
now, but I can "try". Looking forward to
hearing about your trip. Lou

 

Lou,

This morning my internet connection is better, the sun was shining earlier, it's still very humid, but now it's turning into another cloudy, miserable day. I didn't take that much needed walk. I had to pop ibuprofen as soon as I woke up. I'm feeling better now, no more zigzagging lines across my field of vision, sudden short bursts of bright light, but as always, after this happens, it leaves me exhausted. I really need to get out of this house today. I'll have to find something to do this afternoon. I'm not only alone, but feeling so lonely, and most of the day is still ahead of me.

I didn't realize how much you've been struggling the past couple of days, how much pain you've been in. It must have felt like your heart had been ripped in half a second time, when you woke up thinking Linda was next to you, then having reality hit, being so alone..., so lonely... without Linda, your "person," beside you. So far, I've been fortunate. Nothing like this has happened to me (yet.) I think if I woke up even once thinking Bob was beside me, reaching over to cuddle next to him, and suddenly realizing I was only dreaming, I would be terrified to go to sleep at night. I would feel like my world had been shattered a second time. One time is way more than enough, total understatement!!! I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know there is nothing I can do to make you feel any better, to take away any of your pain, but even though I haven't experienced this, I think I can (almost) understand how you felt. I'm teary eyed as I'm "talking" to you. I'm so very sorry... Sending zillions of hugs your way...

I know this is a very difficult time of year for you, and it probably only adds to the intense sadness and pain from the dreams/nightmares. As the weather gets cooler, you won't be able to enjoy your morning walks by the ocean every day. After Halloween, the shops on the Neck will close for the season. You've told us that many of the shop owners are your friends. Do most of them live in your town year round? I'm glad you and N. go for coffee at the Legion on Saturday mornings. Weekends are the hardest for me, the time when I'm not only alone, but feel the most lonely. Knowing that Saturday mornings you'll be with N. and other friends who go for coffee there, will add some structure to your weekend. I'm glad you have a Saturday morning routine. It gives you something to look forward to.

I'm also glad that you're taking a bus to a nearby town on the weekdays. I hope you find some new places to hang out that you enjoy. You're a very outgoing person, so I know you'll make lots of new acquaintances, but I hope you meet at least one person, who you can truly call a friend. It makes me happy knowing that you're doing everything you possibly can, to take care of yourself. You are a very strong person. "Talking" to you, motivates me to do everything I can too, to keep moving forward.

Still sort of on the same subject, I'm sorry you can't stop thinking about the "Christmas bracelet." My friend who lives several blocks away from me, said to me that she would never want to forget any of her memories, no matter how painful they are, because she would never want to forget anything about her husband. I think you might have said something similar to me once when I said I wish I had an "off switch" for my brain. I know you wouldn't want to forget anything about Linda, just as I wouldn't want to forget anything about Bob, but it would be nice if I could find that "off switch" for all of us, so that just once in awhile, we could get at least a short break, from being constantly flooded with them. I hope the Christmas bracelet memory is a happy one, even if it makes you sad thinking about it. I keep repeating this, but I love how another member expressed this feeling to me, happy mixed with sad.

I think if that widow foggy brain thing isn't too bad this morning, your cataract surgery is scheduled for September 29th. Thinking about an upcoming surgery isn't pleasant, even if it's going to make your life much better afterwards. I'm sorry you have this on your mind too. That old saying "when it rains, it pours, is so true. You've got so much on your plate right now. Please continue to be gentle with yourself.

I hope you've found a way to spend your day that will make you feel a little better.

Sending even more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Perfect timing this am, Deb! Doing much
better today. My friend, Kim, is like a
daughter I never had. She drives me to the nearby small city supermarket every Wed
at 3, and reassures me about the surgery.
I am close to her parents, who will be
leaving for the winter to Florida, next
month. I will miss them. Another couple,
Tom & Ann, come here every summer
FROM Florida. I told them the Shack
routine is getting on my nerves, and that
I'm taking the bus to city restaurants &
to a place with live music. They're taking
me to a hotel for dinner tonight at 6:30.
Linda & I watched the sunset over the
ocean, from the comfortable bar, while
eating dinner. After my outdoor breakfast
this am, I wasn't in the mood for small talk
with the widow & her dog. I'm not that
needy. It's time to have new adventures,
and get out of my rut. I did that with
Linda before she became ill. Our best
times were "spur of the moment". We went
out of town to a quiet restaurant, without
reservations (!), on Valentine's Day. After
Linda got sick, and couldn't dine out, I
had the wonderful food delivered from
that special place, and we made our own
atmosphere. Slept OK last night, with the
promise of a better day, with supportive
friends. Thanks again for remembering
details of my life ( hard to believe you
have brain fog, Deb!). Lou

 

Lou,

Thank you for getting back to me so soon. I was worried about you. You're update has me smiling... It's nice that you're close to Kim and her parents. I wish I could meet Kim! It's kind and generous of her to make a set time each week to drive you to the grocery store. Is Kim going with you when you have your cataract surgery on the 29th?

I love that you're an adventurous person!! It's good to hear that you're moving forward. Like you and Linda, Bob and I always did things spur of the moment. It reminds me of a funny story about a getaway we took about 10 months after we met. We decided last minute to spend the fourth of July in New Hampshire. Won't go into it now, but it brings back some good memories, some funny ones, and some that were only funny once we were driving back home. I'm glad that you and Linda were able to enjoy a Valentine's Day dinner at a restaurant without reservations. It was definitely meant to happen. Everywhere I've lived, without reservations, it would probably be more like a morning after Valentine's Day breakfast, rather than a Valentine's Day dinner. It made me smile reading that when Linda could no longer go out to eat, you had the food delivered, and the two of you enjoyed delicious meals at home.

It's amazing what supportive friends and some sleep can do for our moods. I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better!!

A restaurant with delicious food and a water view is the best, especially when shared with good friends. Enjoy your evening out!!

Although this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions is miserable and exhausting when it seems to get stuck at the bottom, somehow, it manages to inch it's way up towards the top again. I think about this often, especially when I'm having one of those days when getting out of bed seems like a huge accomplishment.

Got to get out of this house, so stopping here.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks again, Deb, for being here for me. I'd
love to hear your Fourth of July story when you have more time. The Center for Loss
quote today is about making, or if not.
appreciating art. We have an art museum in
our small town. On a hot summer day, I took
refuge there. We had paintings by artists who lived, for a time, in our towns. One was
Winslow Homer, who depicted the tough
fishermen of his day. I like to sit in one of the
quiet rooms, & write postcards to the couple
from Pa., who are coming mid-Oct. for 2 weeks of vacation

 

P.S. A special volunteer driver, from our
Senior Care, will drive me on the 29th, but
can't come in with me, due to COVID.
Kim's here! Gotta run! Loup