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Loss after three decade relationship.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by oneman, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
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  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I'm sorry Jimmy hurt your feelings. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone, I hope he took the time to think how he would feel if he lost his wife. Even if he does lots of thinking about this, and thinks he knows how he would feel, there is no way he can possibly understand the total heartbreak of losing the love of his life. However, just thinking about how he thinks he would feel, might be painful enough to for him to have one of those "light bulb" moments. It might be enough to make him less insensitive to the next person who he meets who has lost a spouse. I'm glad you're trying to educate him. By (hopefully) getting him to realize how hurtful his comment was, you could be saving someone else from being hurt by his ignorance. (Hope this makes sense!) Backing up a bit, the timing of today's Daily Reflection from the Center For Loss, was perfect! I've been archiving the messages. (I recently learned how to do this. Bob would be so impressed!!)

    After dropping the bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I went window shopping. It felt good to be out of the house! I was able to walk by a couple of Halloween displays without bursting into tears. Progress!, but then on the way home, I decided to stop at my warehouse club to pick up a bag of wild caught salmon. Luckily, it's frozen. (I can't believe I'm saying this about fish! Bob and I had planned to take a trip to Alaska with another couple, very good friends, after he retired. We were looking forward to enjoying fresh salmon as we've never had it before. It was supposed to be a very special trip for all of us, to celebrate our retirements, and to get to see what, looks like from pictures, a breathtakingly beautiful place. Better stop here, I'm starting to get off track!) Backing up a bit, the salmon will keep for a long time if I end up mostly on the bottom of that roller coaster ride of emotions this week, and don't have the energy, or desire, to make it.

    Backing up to what I wanted to say before I started "talking" about Alaska, I was fine, no tears while window shopping, but then, as I walked into the warehouse, right in front of me, there was a Christmas display. I lost it big time. Tears were running down my face. I had to leave the store, but after sitting in my car for a few minutes, I decided to go back inside. I was determined to buy a bag of salmon. I ended up buying the salmon and some fresh vegetables. No one but you, and everyone here, could possibly understand, that for me, this is a step forward. I think Bob would be proud. He would also be impressed because I got $10 off my purchase, for using the scanner and self checkout in the warehouse shopping app. I am determined to become less technically challenged no matter how long it takes!

    I'm exhausted so hope this message makes sense.

    I hope you had a good day and are enjoying a relaxing evening. Sleep well...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I'm proud of you for getting through
    the Halloween trigger, & getting past the
    Alaska trip, involving salmon, and getting
    it for yourself. I agree that Bob would be
    impressed how you've mastered some
    technological skills. Linda would be amazed that I bought a new smart phone,
    including the Internet. She was computer
    savvy, in her line of work, but had to
    teach me. It's opened a whole new world.
    I chose not to have a TV, with all the noise,
    & talking heads. I pick & choose news
    headlines, on mute, until I find something
    interesting for me. As you can guess, I'm
    conservative & patriotic. I've been patriotic since I was a young boy, watching
    the Fourth of July parade. I've enjoyed
    meeting the veterans in my town, & they've welcomed me every Sat. morning
    for coffee, even though I'm not a veteran.
    I'm going to step out of my town more, bc
    after Halloween, the shops close on the
    Neck, and I will hop on a bus to the larger
    city, for breakfasts, lunches, and a
    different place to walk. Hope you sleep
    well, Deb. Lou
     
  4. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

     
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I like that you always find ways to keep yourself busy, enjoy life the best you can. I hate being in this house, but at the same time, there are many times I don't feel like going out. Today is another miserable, wet day. It's been raining since I woke up, there's a good chance we'll get some thunderstorms soon. It's on days like today, when I don't want to leave the house, when I think I need to get out of here the most (if this makes sense).

    My friends who Bob and I were going to travel to Alaska with, called me yesterday. When I'm on the bottom of this seemingly endless emotional roller coaster, and feel like it's never going to budge, I keep mostly to myself instead of reaching out to friends. These friends know this about me, and make it a point to keep in touch frequently, and send me daily texts and emails. Saturday, I told them that I wish I could smile more often. The husband is a photographer, (he used to photograph weddings) and always captures everything at just the right moment. He sent me a short video of myself and his wife, enjoying cocktails, while on one of the last vacations, the four of us were able to take together. I thought I had forgotten about this moment. I love the wife's laugh, it's contagious. It was a video of the two of us taken at one of my not so finest moments... It was hysterical and I watched it three times in a row. I couldn't stop laughing...

    Laughing as hard as I did over that video made me think of something I said to you the other day. "Grief is so unpredictable. I'm absolutely miserable one minute, the next, although Bob is constantly on my mind, and I miss him more than I could ever express in words, I feel just a glimmer of hope, through all this pain, that I will eventually find my way in this world again, without him by my side. "

    I hope you have reasons to smile and laugh today. I hope everyone, in spite of the total heartbreak we're all suffering from, finds reasons to smile and laugh today. I hope smiles and laughter, even if doesn't happen every day, or even every week, reminds everyone that there is light ahead of us. We just have to keep pushing forward through the pain as best as we can. We can and will get through this together.

    I need to pour myself another cup of coffee. I hope your day is a good one.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Deb, for your praise. I just got
    off the phone with my therapist/ grief
    counselor. Our Mon. am , "50 minute
    hour" sessions, start my week off in a
    positive direction. I tell him "the good,
    the bad, and the ugly" events of the past
    week. Jimmy was in there for the "ugly"!
    The "bad" was getting in a rut on Friday
    nights at what used to be a fun bar. The
    political arguments have ruined the
    atmosphere. It's strange bc the husband &
    wife owners wisely put sports, not cable
    news, on the 2 big screens, with good
    music in the background. We've been
    having sunny, 70s days, which have boosted my spirits. I pray to God for you,
    Deb, to get out of your miserable rain
    pattern, so you can walk outside and feel
    better. I'm glad you were able to see the
    video of your friends & laugh again. It's
    a trite saying now, but Norman Cousins
    had it right: Laughter IS the best medicine.
    Lou
     
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  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I'm sorry to hear that your "Cheers" bar, the Shack, is no longer a fun place to hang out on Friday nights. It's too bad that people have to let their different political views get in the way of a enjoyable night out.

    I'm glad that the weather is nice where you are. It was pouring here on and off the entire day, and is still pouring now, but no thunderstorms yet. A few heavily traveled roads are flooded, making things worse. I'm having a difficult time being stuck inside, but I'm lucky that I don't have to drive through this. Days like today make me miss Bob even more... I find myself talking to him as though he were here, beside me.

    Backing up a bit, Bob would have loved that video!! I know it would have made him laugh just as much, or even more than I did. I wish I could share it with him... I miss our shared history..., all the private jokes..., memories of times we spent together alone..., all those "remember when's," that used to make us laugh. I miss him making me a cup of tea or coffee, and knowing just how I like it. I miss watching the rain fall while on our porch..., watching sunsets at the beach..., making dinner together..., going grocery shopping together..., falling asleep, his arms wrapped around me..., I even miss all the little things he did that I used to find irritating, like tossing his clothes in front of the hamper, leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor, squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the middle, and every now and then forgetting to put down the toilet seat. Like Jim, I miss all the little things, the everyday things... I wish I hadn't taken so many of them for granted.

    Even though I miss Bob with all my heart, knowing that I can still laugh, is a wonderful feeling. I agree, Norman Cousins, as you said, had it right, "Laughter is the best medicine!!"

    Hope your evening is a good one.

    Going to make something for dinner...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    When Ray Charles sang about "Georgia
    Treated on my Mind", I don't think he meant the
    endless, dark, rainy, & dreary days you've been having, Deb. It HAS to get better
    soon, and the sun will bring a smile to wyour face. As for the Shack, "when one
    door closes.....". May have been a blessing,
    in disguise. Treated myself to a pedicure
    today--- for the 1st time---after the fall &
    PT. Linda would've laughed bc I thought
    pedicures were only for women. It was
    wonderful to talk, on a quiet Mon, with
    no one else there, with a young, kind
    married woman, about Linda. I teared
    up & she gave me Kleenex. The warm
    whirlpool on my feet , was so soothing
    before the manicurist did the pedicure.
    I joked that now that I got the heavy duty
    stuff out of the way, I could be a lot lighter
    next time.Have you ever had a pedicure?
    I never thought, in my wildest dreams,
    that I would get one. I sat at a bar in a
    Mexican place, with soft music, mute TV,
    and friendly female bartender. My kind of
    place. I was kind to myself today, and I
    hope you can be kind to yourself , & get
    outside soon, Deb. Lou
     
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    "Georgia Treated..." Here I go again.....!!
     
  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, just reread your touching
    imperfections of your marriage, the
    "little things", and I smiled. Most of the
    time, Linda & I laughed at our
    differences. We argued only when we
    were subjected to undue stress, in
    certain places in which we lived. If I was
    really steamed, I would take a walk & get
    some air. We never went to bed angry.
    I cried about Bob's arms around you.
    I had a vivid dream, when I was waking
    up, that Linda was reaching out to me
    for a hug. I woke up, half asleep, talking to
    her. When I realized quickly that it was a
    dream, I cried. The Oscar Wilde quote,
    today, about a broken heart, fits you & me,
    on Sept. 20. Thank you, Deb, for being my
    close friend & confidante. Have a good
    sleep. Lou
     
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  11. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Well-Known Member

    HI LOU,
    IT WAS DELIGHTFUL TO READ YOU
    TREATED YOURSELF TO A MANICURE,
    PEDICURE AND RELAXING FOOT MASSAGE
    I TOOK MY HUSBAND TO GET
    HIM MANICURES, PEDICURES, FOOT MASSAGES
    AS LONG AS I COULD LIFT HIM INTO HIS
    WHEELCHAIR, IN AND OUT OF OUR CAR.
    I HOPE YOU WILL CONTINUE WITH THEM.
    GLAD YOU ARE KEEPING ACTIVE GETTING
    OUT AND ABOUT.
    HI DEB,
    WE HERE IN THE UPSTATE ARE GETTING
    THOSE RAINS TOO, WILL BE GLAD WHRN YOU
    CAN GET BETTER WEATHER AND OUT AND
    ABOUT
    I MISS MY OUTDOOR WALKS TOO.
    FOUND OUT TODAY THE MOHS DOCTOR
    HAD TO GO IN THE SECOND TIME TO GET
    REMAINING CANCER THAT HAD SPREAD UNDER MY
    EYE LID. THAT EXPLAINS ALOT, I UNDERSTAND BETTER.
    HI KAREN ,
    HOPE THE THERAPY IS HELPING YOU GET
    MORE MOTION IN YOUR ARM AND LESS PAIN IN
    THE THERAPY.GLAD YOUR DAUGHTER LIVES
    ACROSS STREET FROM YOU. HAVENT SEEN
    RECENT POSTS FROM CAROLE, HOPE SHE IS
    OVER THAT BUG SHE HAD.
    HAS JIM POSTED RECENTLY?
    ITS DIFFICULT AT THIS TIME TO
    NAVIGATE ON THE FORUM.
    I REPLYED TO A POST BY RONPAUL BUT I
    THINK IT WENT POOF, SEEMED LIKE IT
    DISAPPEARED.I AM NOT GOOD AT USING MY IPAD.

    KEEPING EACH OF YOU AN ALL OTHERS THAT
    HAVE LOST A LOVED ONE IN MY THOUGHTS
    AND MYDAILY PRAYERS, AND ALL CAREGIVERS.
    BLESSINGS, PATTI
     
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  12. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I won't be around tomorrow morning, probably won't be around for most of the day, so just want to let you know you did it again, you made me smile...

    You're welcome. It's easy to be your friend. You're a good person with a big heart. I appreciate how open you are with your feelings, your honesty, and advice. I should be the one thanking you. It's because of things you said that got me to realize how much I really needed to make my husband "more real," talk about Bob, using his name, and share stories about our life together. The first time I mentioned Bob's name, it made me cry, I couldn't stop those tears... It made his death seem that much more "real." Sort of hard to explain, I knew in my head that he was gone, but in my heart, I didn't want to believe it. I know now that the only way I can move forward is by being able to talk about Bob, share stories about my life with him, even if I'm crying while typing. When I learn about all that you've been through, and how far you've come, it makes me think that if you can start over without Linda by your side, create a new life for yourself, and find ways to be happy, then happiness is possible even after the total heartbreak of losing a spouse. I can't express it any better than how Robin explained it to me, "happiness mixed with sadness... smiles mixed with tears." The timing of the Oscar Wilde quote was perfect.

    Life is a gift. I feel guilty spending mine being miserable, when Bob wanted more than anything else, "to be on the right side of the dirt." I'm determined to try as hard as I can to find some sort of happiness again. Bob would want this for me. Bob would be happy for me. I will do this not only for myself, but for Bob too... I have to.

    Super fried, so much more I want to say, but way too exhausted to make much sense. Not even sure if this makes sense, but will post it anyway.

    Hope your getting a good nights sleep...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, just woke up at usual time, before 6am, & was happy to see your reply from
    midnight! Thanks for telling me you'll be
    gone for most of day. Hope you'll get some
    sun soon. I was also pleased to hear from
    Patti. She is so kind. Despite her medical
    issues, she has answered all of our stories.
    We are a compassionate group of people
    who are bonded together with grief over
    the deaths of our spouses. But, it is also a
    creative outlet to put our thoughts into
    words. I've reached out to widowers:
    Ronpage and Gerald, but haven't heard
    back. Also, I hope Jim and Carole are OK.
    Have a good one, Deb. Hope to hear from you soon. Lou
     
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Patti, it was a pleasant surprise to see your
    post this morning. I knew it was you right
    away, bc of your capital letters ( although
    Karen uses those, too). Your cancer under
    the eyelid does explain a lot. You are very
    brave, and it sounds like you have a good
    doctor. Your stories about caring for your
    husband, are very moving. Have you ever
    said your husband's name? As I told Deb
    & others here, it has helped me to say my
    wife's name, Linda, bc it keeps her spirit
    alive and real. I can even quote some of
    the funny things she said. When I received
    my pedicure, I had a flashback to Linda's
    trouble with her feet, due to diabetes. She
    went to a kind, funny podiatrist, who
    treated her as a whole person, not just a
    patient. At night, I would lovingly help
    put on her compression socks. It makes me
    cry, as I write this. Linda was such a good
    woman and took care of me, when times
    were tough. She always did the cooking,
    until the end, when I cooked for us, under
    her patient direction. I understand your
    occasional problems of sending replies. I
    thought I lost my post, and discovered
    " unread watched threads", and there it
    was. I also wrote to Ronpage and to Gerald, recently, but didn't get replies so
    far. Hope you heal soon, Patti. Lou
     
  16. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your posts. My daughter is taking me on a get away trip out of state, so I won't be on line for about a week leaving Thursday, unless I use my cell phone which I just got and need to learn how to use it. I will try to read your posts while traveling. Always praying for the betterment for us all during this dreadful journey we have to climb. May God speed. Karen
     
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Karen,

    Enjoy your vacation as much as you possibly can. I hope you have many more reasons to smile than cry... Enjoy the time away with your daughter. I know it would make Jack smile if he knew you were going on this getaway... It would make him proud of you.

    Have a safe and "uneventful" trip both ways. We'll miss you and will look forward to hearing from you when you get back.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Patti,

    It's wonderful to see you here!! The rain stopped this afternoon, the sun made a brief appearance, but it's still very humid. I think I might be able to get a much needed walk in tomorrow morning. I hope the weather improves ASAP for you too!!

    You've been through so much... I'm so glad, total understatement!!!, that the doctor was able to get all the cancer. I hope you'll be able to go on your walks again soon too. Backing up a bit, I think, but not sure, the last time you "talked" to us ,you mentioned that the new doctor hasn't been able to get your blood pressure under control. Is your blood pressure any lower than it was? I'm glad you're taking the best care of yourself you possibly can. I'm looking forward to when you 'll be able to "talk" with us more often. I think about you all the time, you're always in my prayers...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

    P.S. I hope Jim and Carole are okay. I haven't seen them around in awhile either.
     
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  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, I was just going to wish you a
    great, much needed trip with your
    daughter, but Deb beat me to it! The only
    things I can add: 1st, I had to buy a new
    cellphone, after Linda died. I was sad and
    didn't want to make a decision without her. I told the saleswoman that I didn't
    want all the "bells & whistles", and she
    rightly pointed out that they came with the
    new phone. I'm glad that I have the
    Internet at my fingertips, and can bring it
    with me. It has been a lifeline to vital
    communication, incl. Grief in Common.
    2nd, l miss the members here, when they
    disappear. I care about them. I'm so
    happy you told us what's going on, bc I
    have a feeling of abandonment. Even
    though Linda was ill, and couldn't help it,
    I feel sad every morning, bc she had to
    "abandon " me, in a physical sense. My
    heart feels better when I hear from you &
    others here, bc I feel you're the only ones
    who can feel the gut wrenching horror
    we sometimes feel. Sorry to be heavy,
    Karen. As I told Ron ( Ronpage), I've had
    a lot of sad dreams lately, didn't sleep well
    last night, and had a rough day today. (I
    don't have to tell YOU, Karen, how
    important sleep is. God Bless. Lou