Loss after three decade relationship.

Deb, went to bed early, but woke up "with
a start" just now & was glad to see your
"letter". I wish we could talk on the phone,
but this will have to do. Glad you liked
Mad Men. I miss pay phones, the ones
that you could step in & close. When I was
in college, we took notes, ( no cellphones
or laptops). We wrote term papers on
typewriters, & looked up words in
dictionaries, for both spelling, and
definitions. We learned to think for
ourselves. I wouldn't want to be a
college student in the PC world of today.
The kids seem to be afraid of everything,
and are afraid to laugh at jokes. Some
comedians won't tour colleges for that
reason. Funny you mentioned Steve
Buscemi. Linda & I paid attention to
character actors, who were very real,
and not models. It was so good to finally
hear from Karen. She's going through a
tough anniversary. I told her about Center
for Loss. As far as saying Linda's name,
I may have mentioned that my Grief
counselor asked me to write down a list
of Linda's funny sayings, but I couldn't at
first bc I broke down in tears. Some time
went by, and I could. Now, one of her
phrases will pop into my head, and I'll
either smile, or get choked up, or both,
Your story of Bob singing, was funny. I
never sang in front of Linda, bc she said
I sounded like as cat dying. But, now, with
no one around, I sing along with Sinatra
or Johnny Cash. I liked Westerns, so I
was singing the mysterious " Ghost
Riders in the Sky........." Lou

 

Morning, Deb. When I woke up, & checked
emails, I mistakenly thought I didn't press
"Post reply" last night, and was angry with
myself. Then, I noticed " one more
message....". When I hit that, my last night's reply to you about Steve Buscemi
was there! I had an epiphany this am.
I remembered talking with my grief
therapist, about my horrendous guilt
that when bad things happened ( financial
decisions, trying to please the unpleasable,
our parents, at the expense of our joy as
a newly married couple), that it was all my
fault. The fact is that Linda had a blind
spot in regard to her father. She thought
he loved her, but he was too busy enabling
Linda's mother. Her other main weakness
was her unrealistic belief in scratch tickets, the lottery, and Publisher's
Clearing House. She really believed we'd
win one of the top money prizes. Instead,
we got a lot of stuff we didn't need ( which
I donated after Linda died). On the other
hand, we got some useful items, too. It
helps me to remember that Linda was a
wonderful, warm, funny woman, and I
loved ( and love her still), but she was not
a saint. I cried, as usual, when I wrote this
to you, Deb. This is also meant for Carole,
Karen, Patti, Stephanie, and others. Lou

 

Good Friday Morning everyone!!! First morning I have gotten up(since Monday) and not felt like a Mac truck ran over me. Whatever was making me sick, pretty much has run it's course. Spent yesterday curled up in my chair watching Bogart/Bacall movies on TCM.. Ron was a huge fan of Bogart, watching the same movies he loved, made me feel closer to him.

Going to try some breakfast, oatmeal with some raisins and brown sugar. Be back later today to chat. Take care, stay safe, everyone. Carole

 

Glad you're feeling better, Carole, and
can join us again! On special bus to
rehab. ctr for last PT. I will keep the
exercise pages, just in case. Just went by
the rental house we rented when we were
married in 1996. It was a happy time,
except that we got roped into looking
after Linda's ungrateful parents, instead of
putting ourselves first. As I told Deb this
, that was one of Linda's blind
spots. My bad decisions led to financial
hardship, but Linda's eagerness to
please others, also led to our decline.
In a lighter note, I watched Bogart, Cagney,
& other greats, when I was home, out sick
from school. I saw their movies later, in
college, and liked to imitate the actors. I
also loved the actresses, like Lizabeth
Scott. Linda used to tease me that I was
in love with actresses, long gone, but I
found them more beautiful & classy than
many of today's empty models. Lou

 

Lou,

I remember those booths with the pay phones inside of them, haven't thought about them in years! It seemed I always had enough change to make a call until I actually needed to make one. I remember digging around in my purse trying to find change. There were pay phones everywhere, always a bunch of them in the malls. Still sort of on the same subject, I remember when malls were jammed packed with people... I think someday, indoor shopping malls will go by way of the dinosaurs. My college days were similar to yours, lecture halls were packed, notes were handwritten, term papers were written using typewriters, etc., etc., etc, ...

The world has changed so much, total understatement!!! It has become such an impersonal place. One night Bob and I went to a wonderful seafood restaurant, overlooking the ocean, to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a table in a corner, by the windows, and it was such a special, and perfect night... Behind us there was a table with half a dozen women, all looked to be in their twenties. They sat in total silence, they were texting each other instead of talking. Bob and I couldn't believe it!!! Why did these women even bother to meet each other for dinner?

You and I have another thing in common. Linda would have said my singing sounded like a cat dying too!! I could shatter glass with my singing, well, maybe this is a bit of an exaggeration, but, and this is a BIG but, trust me, I can't carry a tune!!

The social worker who runs the bereavement support group, said something similar to what you said, when you mentioned that "Linda wasn't a saint." He said some of us tend to see our loved ones through rose colored glasses after they pass away. Bob wasn't, as you said it, "a saint either." I think that because of the fact all of us have some faults, some weaknesses, that none of us are perfect, the world is such an interesting place. I used to say this to my children when they were growing up.

I could go on and on and on, like that Energizer Bunny, in those old battery commercials (although I think the Energizer Bunny might still be kicking around), but stopping here for now. Wait, just one more thing, as soon as I typed the words, Energizer Bunny, I immediately thought of that old Fruit of the Loom commercial with the talking fruits...

Really stopping here. I have a couple of things I want to do, and unfortunately, one of my weaknesses is that I can be a big procrastinator!

I'm glad today is your last PT appointment. Remember, no more falls!!

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Carole,

It's good to see you back here. Glad you're feeling better!!

Got to go, things I need to do.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good Morning Lou, Good to be up and around once again. Still not a 100%, getting there though. I know all about trying to please others. My Mom and I were like that, anything to keep her happy, so she wouldn't start with the the accusations no one loved her B.S. I fell for it for years. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I relented some. Took care of her(along with a part-time caregiver) the last 2 yrs. of her life. Ron always commented I grieved more when the dog passed than when my Mom did. I did, I knew my Mom was dying, and it was just a matter of time. Hospice gave me a heads up on a Wednesday to ask for time off from work, that it was just a matter of days. She passed that Friday morning at 1:30 A.M. I think about her and my Dad from time to time, and my Granny. They are all buried at Glen Rest, there is one empty plot that is mine, so when my time comes, I have it set up with the funeral home, my ashes and Ron's ashes will be buried together in a vault in the plot.

How did PT go? Good I hope. Summer is slowly coming to an end. Still having some hot days, 88 here now, blue skies and sun. I may venture out later, after a shower and some lunch.

Ron liked the actresses of yesterday years also. They were classy, beautiful, could act. There was a movie on, it had
Lucille Ball in it, very young, blonde hair(I'm guessing, since it was a B&W movie). I didn't recognize her at first, she was very pretty. I grew up on I Love Lucy, Jackie Gleason, Ed Sullivan, Lawrence Welk(disliked that show), and the Westerns, Gunsmoke, Have Gun Will Travel, Cheyenne. Later years(when I hit my teens) it was The Grand Ole Opry , Shindig!, Dick Clark's American Bandstand, Hullabaloo.

Lunch time. Talk again soon, hugs and smiles, Carole.

 

Deb, just said goodbye to the PT, with
mixed emotions. She was so kind to let
me cry the 1st time, encourage me the 2nd,
and praise me for my progress today. I will
miss her as a person, & as a woman. She
touched my back on my way out, and it
meant a lot to me. Another cool, gray day.
I'm not ready for summer to be over. It's
already getting quieter on the Neck, with
shops closing earlier. I'll cheer up when I
see my friends at the Shack bar tonight.
You sound just like Linda when you used
"Energized Bunny" in a sentence. She used
to call me that when I would leap out of
bed in the morning. I was more of a
morning person. Linda also called me,
" Fireman Lou" when I threw my clothes
on. Your story about your romantic dinner
with Bob, and the clueless, young testers,
was so true, sadly. Linda & I had a different problem, as I've mentioned.
We would TRY to have a quiet romantic
dinner at a bar, with soft jazz music, but,
more often than not, we'd be subjected to
loud talkers near us. Linda wasn't shy
about expressing her displeasure, so the
perpetrators would hear. Unfortunately,
usually a big, drunk guy would look at me,
and angrily ask, " What'd she say......?" We
stopped sitting at a bar, & sat at a table,
but we encountered the same problem.
Most people didn't know how to carry on
QUIET conversations. After a while, just
like with movie theaters, we have up, and
ate at home, where we could control the
atmosphere.You & I could go on all day
about memorable commercials: Fruit of
the Loom, Alka Seltzer ( " I can't believe I
ate the whole thing!"), Wendy's (?)-the
feisty older woman, saying, "Where's the
Beef?!" Sometimes, we need distractions
from our pain of grief. There is hope for
you & me that we can smile, or even
laugh a little. Lou

 

Deb, pardon my mistakes! When I let
my thoughts flow, I sometimes misspell.
Were you an English major? If so, you
should be able to decipher my ramblings
quicker! I was an American History major,
but enjoyed auditing English Lit, & modern novels, on a pass/ fail basis. Lou

Carole, so sorry your mother was a pain.
We can pick our friends, & soulmates,
but not our parents. As I said previously,
for Linda & me, BOTH sets of parents were not welcome at our wedding. We "eloped"
and honeymooned in Las Vegas instead.
Our big mistake was getting involved in
their messy lives after we got married. I
just wrote the long, sad story to Deb. What
I didn't say, is that Linda & I had to "adopt"
a little dog, which Linda had kindly given
her father, while her mother was in the
hospital. When the narcissistic mother
came home, she didn't want the dog. Linda's father didn't even put up a fight,
bc he enabled Linda's mother. We ended
up taking care of the dog, which brought
some joy in the beginning, but, when we
had to move, we couldn't afford to care
for the dog, and brought her to a kennel,
for adoption. Linda was heartbroken, &
never forgave her parents. We didn't want
to go to their funerals or to those of my
parents. Linda went one step further:
When she became ill, she requested that
she NOT be buried next to her parents, and her younger brother, who died at 10.
Linda wanted to be cremated, with a small, simple ceremony. I granted her
wish. Her ashes ( I prefer to call it her
memorial, are in a beautiful green block,
with a lighthouse in front).
As I said to Deb, I love that we share a
cultural history, in music, TV. & movies.
Linda grew up listening to all the women
singers, knew all the lyrics, and danced, by
herself, in her bedroom. It was an escape
from her depressing childhood after her
brother died. I loved all the Westerns,
where the good guys won. I did see
American Bandstand, but the Ed Sullivan
Show was more my style! I didn't like The
Lawrence Well Show. In later years, I liked
Johnny Carson, with all his comedians,
who became famous. Loup

 

Lou,

I agree, there is definitely hope for us, for everyone here, as long as we can smile/laugh. Back to those commercials, the Fruit of the Loom Commercial reminded me of the California raisin commercial. I can't get Heard It Though The Grapevine out of my head!! The Wendy's Where's the Beef commercial was great!! Loved it!

Still sort of on the same subject, I read something the other day, but can't remember where (I hate this widow foggy brain thing!), that said if we think back to the week our loved ones passed away, and are honest with ourselves, we'll see that we've made progress towards healing. I thought about this for awhile, and for me it's true. Even though I still miss Bob with all my heart, even though everything around me seems to be a trigger for tears, even though I'm still waking up in the middle of the night in tears, so lonely without Bob sleeping next to me, I'm not waking up replaying the last night/early morning hours of his life, in my head, every single night, as I did in the beginning, terrified, and unable to go back to sleep. Now, instead of the worst memories imaginable, some of the memories that pop into my head are beautiful ones... watching the sunset while sitting on the beach together... the birth of our children... watching the children and our dog open their Christmas presents... a quiet romantic dinner without the kids, sitting outside, by the ocean... I'm now crying both sad and happy tears mixed together (as Robin explained this feeling to me on another thread) in the middle of the night. I guess even though it's hard for me to believe this, I'm a tiny step closer to healing. I don't think I would be at this point if it wasn't for you and everyone here. Thank you Lou, thank you everyone!

(Of course tomorrow I could end up being a total basket case, but if I am, I know it's okay, everyone "gets it." Grief is not only totally emotionally and physically exhausting, but it's also totally unpredictable.)

Like you, cool, dark days bring me down. I'm glad you're going out tonight. I hope you have lots of reasons to smile, and even laugh, when you get together with your friends at the Shack bar tonight.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Deb. We are DEFINITELY
better than that 1st horrific week of our
spouses' deaths. My experience was
obvious, & different from others here.
I had to go to the ER for extreme
bereavement, loneliness ( I had no one),
and suicidal ideations. I went to a short
stay, small 9 bed psychiatric unit on a
volunteer basis. It was the best thing I
could've done, emerging from my room
on Thanksgiving morning, to be with 8
other clients, with depression, loneliness,
alcohol and/ or drug addiction. The
counselor led groups gave me hope. We
were fed regular meals, & were able to
take walks outside. One particular nurse
( not given to smiling) suffered the death
of her husband, and gave me a pamphlet
to help me get through grief. She also knew I had Celiac Disease & helped me
with my diet. I had to go back to this unit
a year later, when my increased drinking
made me more depressed. The same staff
was there, just different clients. All the
clients cared about each other, and some
of us even made each other laugh. I always
preferred one on one talks with another
client. If I maintain my network of friends,
and nothing traumatic happens, I may be
OK, & not have to return to the unit. Well,
almost time for the Shack bar! Look for
your emails later. Hope you have a good
night's sleep, Deb. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm amazed at how far you've come. You are a very strong person to have been able to acknowledge that you needed help, and then to have had the courage to reach out, and get that help. I pray for the strength all of us need as we struggle to rebuild our shattered lives, without the love of our lives. You are always included in my prayers. I hope that you never have to return to the unit, but it makes me feel good to know that if you need help in the future, you will reach out and accept it. I don't "know" you that well, but from what I do know about you, I think you're much stronger than you think you are. Backing up a bit, you said it best when you said, "We are DEFINITELY better than that 1st horrific week of our spouses' deaths." I know Linda and Bob would be proud of us.

I hope you're enjoying the beginning of a fun evening out at the Shack...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Wish you were here at the Shack! A little
bored. Sat with one regular. We had a few
laughs, but a lot of people were out of town. There was a strange mist, not rain,
but when I walked home, my jacket was
wet ( but not as soaked as it would've been
with rain)! One guy talked with us at the
bar. Jimmy never sits down & eats. He
eats with his wife at home, and comes in
for drinks. He asked how I was doing. I
decided to be honest, and said, "Well,
I cry every morning". He looked taken
aback & reminded me that when I was
drinking, that I wanted another woman.
I had to set him straight. He asked what
I was interested in,& I told him I like to
support the veterans at the Legion, and
see people on the Neck. N. texted me that
he'll walk with me to the coffee there, at
8:15am. Good to be home. It was a good
seafood dinner, & fun to joke with the 2
bartenders, but I felt subdued. Perhaps it
was the PT, but also, I had an EKG today,
after PT, bc I'll be having cataract
surgery in one eye on Wed, 9/22, &
the eye surgeon wanted to make sure my
heart was in good shape. Did you ever
have cataract surgery? Needless to say,
I walked SLOWLY home tonight, in the
mist & fog! Thank you for saying I'm
strong, Deb. I think all of us are, on this
website, but it's important not to do it
alone. I asked Jimmy what he would do,
if, God forbid, HIS wife died, & he didn't
answer. Lou

 

Correction: the operation is Sept. 29. Many
people have had it, but I wish it were over.
After the right eye, I will have the left eye
done in a few weeks. Lou

 

Lou, I admire you for a man who cries and tears from a loss. I grew up and it wasn't the right thing for a man to cry, I don't know why to this day. I think men have feelings like us women. I liked when you told Jimmy how he would feel if his wife passed?

You should do fine with your cataract surgeries. I've only heard good things. Jack has two and he was thrilled with the outcome. The only part was putting in the drops for three days all day. Do you have someone to drive you back home? N may do it. for you. Love, Karen

I know, but I'll take your rain anytime here in Calif.

 

Lou,

I read your messages this morning, but couldn't respond. I get migraines that are triggered by changes in the weather. I get visual disturbances (auras), a warning, before the migraine happens. As much as I hate all those bright, flashing zigzagging lines, and the blind spots in my field of vision that are temporarily caused by the auras, I'm glad I get them. Most of the time I can stop the migraine before it starts, if I take 800 mgs of ibuprofen immediately. After about twenty minutes, my vision returns to normal, I feel fine, but I'm usually wiped out, exhausted... I feel so much better now, no migraine, but I'm still fried. I wish I could take a nap, but can't fall asleep. Enough of this! I didn't mean to start a book on migraines!!

When I had my eyes examined last year, I was told I have cataracts in both eyes, but that I don't need surgery yet. Bob had cataract surgery in his right eye. His vision improved immediately following the surgery and continued to improve over the course of the next several weeks. Like Jack, Karen's husband, he was very happy with the outcome. (He was looking forward to having the procedure repeated in his left eye, but passed away before the surgery could be scheduled.) Bob's experience was similar to Jack's. The hardest part was having to use the eye drops. I think Bob was given three or four different kinds of drops, and they had different dosing schedules. I have friends who have had this done, and every one of them was happy with the results. I hope either your "daughter," your neighbor who lives upstairs from you, or as Karen mentioned, N. can drive you home. You will need to rest and take it easy for awhile.

I'm having lots of trouble typing this afternoon. I just responded to what Jimmy said to you, hit something, and my response disappeared. (Maybe life was easier when we had to use typewriters, no way to delete what we just typed. Then again, having to use white out was not a fun process...) Let me try this again. I'm glad that you told Jimmy how you really feel. I'm very glad that when he replied in such an inappropriate and insensitive way, you asked him how he would feel if he lost his wife. The fact that he was silent after you said this, speaks volumes. I hope he takes the time to think about what this would be like, and then has one of those "light bulb" moments. Obviously Jimmy doesn't "get it," there is no way he possibly can.

I hope you and N. enjoyed coffee this morning. I hope today is turning out to be a much better day for you.

Going to stop here, I'm toasted (toasted was the first word that came to mind, sorry!!) I think I might make a cup of tea and veg out for awhile. I'm exhausted.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

So sorry to hear about your migraines,
Deb. I can't imagine how bad they are.
It is strange about the change in weather,
bc I woke up at 1am, with a headache, &
took 2 CVS extra strength tablets. Sat up
for a while, had a snack, & even 1 instant
coffee, & went back to sleep. I had
forgotten to put on the fan next to my
bed, so the air may've been stifling. Fun
bunch of guys at Legion. I talked with
a 2nd Korean War vet, a chaplain, who's
married, & was very empathetic to me.
N. went to work, & I hopped on a bus to
Gloucester for a change of scenery and a
" free flow" day. Had lunch at a quiet bar,
with music ( it wasn't around when Linda
was alive). Plan to hear live music at
another bar at 5pm. Had been there after
I stopped drinking, then it was closed bc
of COVID, recently reopened. As for
Jimmy, he likes to hear himself talk. We
don't have a mayor, but I told him that if
we did, he could run ( & be one the 2
blowhard mayors of Mayberry!). It
would've been better if his wife came----
to shut him up! Lou

 

Lou,

I'm glad you felt better after the combination of the CVS tabs, a snack, coffee, and sleep. I always have a snack, and usually a cup of coffee too, whenever I have to take all that ibuprofen. Caffeine definitely helps. I started this earlier, but had to pop more ibuprofen. Even though I'm feeling better, I'm going to keep this short.

Thanks for the smiles... I would feel badly for the people who would have to put up with Jimmy being their mayor! I'm glad you had a nice day. Hope you're enjoying a nice evening too...

I'm going to stop here and try to get some sleep.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hope you're in pleasant dreamland now,
after your ordeal. Funny story: stopped
in at a GF sushi bar with my Pellegrino
on ice. I looked across the bar, and there
was my doctor, having a glass of wine,
waiting for his wife. We waved & smiled,
but I found it awkward. I blurted out,
"Beautiful day" , & he nodded. I restrained
myself from going over to thank him for
pointing the way to PT. After all, it was
his day off! Enjoyed the band in the eve.
I had seen them play in my town. I said to
the female singer that it was good to see her, and she gave me a genuine smile, and
said it was good to see me. That made me
feel good, and not so alone, even though
we were complete strangers. Lou

 

Lou,

Your story about your doctor sitting across the bar from you made me smile. The probability of this happening is so much greater in a small town! One time, when I was living in the house where Bob and I raised our children, I ran into my dentist while grocery shopping. I said hello to him and quickly walked away. Even though I liked him, the dentist is definitely not someone I want to see! Backing up a bit, I'm glad you enjoyed your evening.

I fell asleep immediately after I got into bed, only woke up a few times, and was able to go right back to sleep. I didn't wake up until 7 this morning, a first!!! - I haven't gotten this much sleep in one night since Bob passed away. Still a bit tired, but physically I'm feeling much better. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Bob is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was especially difficult because I didn't leave the house, spent most of the day on the couch. I'm going to need to buy another case of tissues soon!

The only time I stepped outside was to get the mail. My neighbors who live across the street from me are moving. They are wonderful neighbors and I'm going to miss them. They are the only two people in my neighborhood, aside from my friend who lives a couple blocks away from me, who I feel comfortable enough with to talk about Bob. Her husband was getting the mail at the same time I was getting mine, and he walked across the street to catch up. We talked for a few minutes. It was good to talk to him even if it was only for a few minutes. It made me feel less lonely. I'm glad that last night you felt less lonely after talking to the singer. We are not meant to live alone. I can't imagine living the rest of my life alone... I can't let myself dwell on this. I have to keep trying as hard as I can to move forward. I want Bob to be proud of me.

I didn't walk this morning because it's still very humid, the dew point is high. If I can do anything at all to possibly avoid it, I don't want another repeat of yesterday. I need to get out of the house, and for the first time since Bob died, I'm in the mood to make myself dinner. I have an opened bottle of pure maple syrup in the refrigerator. I bought it for Bob, he used to like me to make him pancakes for breakfast on the weekends. It's been in the refrigerator for about eight months. I was going to throw it away, but decided to google how long it keeps once opened and refrigerated. It's supposed to be okay for about a year. I tasted it, it's fine. So..., I might make myself maple glazed salmon one night this week. Another one of those TBC's...

I've got to get out of this house! I have a bag another bag of clothing to drop off at Goodwill. I might have to do some window shopping today. I hate!! being in this house....

Grief is so unpredictable. I'm absolutely miserable one minute, the next, although Bob is constantly on my mind, and I miss him more than I could ever express in words, I feel just a glimmer of hope, through all this pain, that I will eventually find my way in this world again, without him by my side. Of course, now that I just said this, I'm crying.... I think while I'm out I better pick up another case of tissues.

I hope you're having another good day...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB