Just want the Pain to End

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mywen, Sep 16, 2019.

  1. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    Lost my wife at 59, to a massive stroke after being in the hospital for a week. It has been two months, and the pain is as bad is the day she passed.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mvwen, very sorry for your loss. I has been almost 4 and half years since my wife passed. I remember not being able to talk to anyone after the funeral. Life went on and I felt left behind. It has taken me a long time to be able to come to grips with it and open up. All I can say I hope you have someone to talk to about your loss, as it helps. God Bless.
     
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  3. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated. My best help has been the hospice grief counseling, all my family bar 1100 miles away. That is why I have come to this site
     
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  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mywen, I am so happy you are able to talk about your loss. The worst part of grief to me is having to hold it in and not being able to share. The pain of the loss is immense and time does make it easier. Never give up hope on yourself, you are important - just keep taking each day slowly.
     
  5. Mywen

    Mywen Member

     
  6. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    Everything you say has come to fruition. Such as holding in the grief, and life going on and feeling left behind. Productive days are the good days, other days are not so good. One of my wife's church friends texted me today wanting pictures of her. It felt so good sharing with her.
     
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mywen, I believe it is a good thing to keep in touch with people, especially those that knew your wife. Even though the pain is deep when someone talks of your wife, you get to see and hear from others that knew her as well. One of the best things I loved about talking with others is lessening the pain, just talking about my wife. Sure the pain is deep, the hurt is awful, but just talking of someone you love should help some. There are no quick answers but just being able to remember her is amazing.
     
  8. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my husband in july so i know the pain is so real. maybe here we can share our pain and find some comfort together.
     
  9. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    I am seeing a grief counselor. It really helps to talk to someone who understands the pain I am going through .
     
  10. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mimi2, I talked to counselor about a year ago. When she asked questions I answered. Some words were almost impossible to say on my lips. She could see how intense my emotions were and just gave me the time to eventually get those words out of my mouth. God, loss is so amazingly horrid.

    I knew she was doing her best to help me, but honestly they can't do it for you, you have to do it for yourself. I actually wonder how long this plight will be. My brothers wife passed away on this day two years ago to this day, this is her: https://www.tri
    om/obituary/show/Jocelyn-P.-Joyce-Arsenault-105262798?f_e=1
    butes.c

    When I talked with my brother two days ago I could sense how slower his words were. Then he just blurted it out that he was missing Joyce. You see, I was the best man at their wedding (great honor my brother gave me). When I was going to the Univ of Maine, Nadine and I lived with them for a year till we were able to afford an apartment a year later.

    I joined the Jaycees with him, got introduced to all his friends and workmates. We played poker together. Ask businesses for donations for special events. Held Halloween parties and all sorts of things. In short, both my brother and his wife welcomed us into their house and were so giving. It was a special time.

    So I know he is hurting like me, and I just wish I could reach out and make it better for him. Life sure can he awfully hard at times.
     
  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

  12. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

     
  13. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    I am just wondering if anyone can give advice on how to deal with the emotional crashes that I am having on certain days. I will have a few good days, and then one day I will hit a brick wall. Such a deep depressing funk that just overwhelms me.
     
  14. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    I also need advice. Yesterday was a good day, but today I feel like an emotional wreck.
     
  15. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    I am going to hospice counseling, I told her about my rollercoaster ride and she said overtime it will ease up, and that the bad days will become less difficult. But oh my, those days can be so brutal.
     
  16. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mywen and Mimi2, I dread those days that seem so slow and my emotions are more extreme. To me, I have been sharing my hurt with my older brother and sister by calling each of them. They are both also dealing with emotions.

    While I don't have an absolute answer, what happens by sharing it with my siblings each of us get to unload so to speak. Sure it is emotional, but I feel at least to me it is also therapeutic. We each leave those calls only after we are talked out. Sure the pain is there, but it does seem lesser for having shared it.

    Then I do something that brings me joy. Eating something I like, watching something I like, playing with our two cats, etc. Also, going for a drive, visiting the park, sitting outside on the porch (not yet winter, little chilly but I dress for it). Try doing something you have never done, perhaps a little challenging that makes you think about it, that might help your mind some.

    Lastly, come to this forum and talk. It doesn't matter about what. Ramble, talk about stupid stuff if you wish, but talk to help keep your mind on something. As I said previously, the most hardest thing I faced was myself sitting in judgement of myself, because I couldn't talk to anyone about how I truly feel. All of us here at this site have had our lives significantly altered, so you are talking to those who do hear, see, and understand what you're going through.
     
  17. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    I am seeing a counselor . She told me the same thing. The bad days definitely outweigh the good. For me, it has been almost 5 years of grief. I thought I was doing pretty good. I don't understand why I stopped moving forward.
     
  18. Mywen

    Mywen Member

    Hello Mimi, I can't imagine going through the pain as long as you have. Hoping that I can obtain some tools to help others going through the same thing I'm going through. I do actually have some of the tools I have neglected to use them. One of the tools is going to the gym and doing Lite workouts. Also meditation and self hypnosis. I cannot even fathom still having this pain in 5 years from now.
     
  19. brenda d

    brenda d Active Member

    hello mimi i understand this to,today is been a very bad for me. so many days like this one. i wished i knew how to make things better. i started writing my feelings down in a note book but i cry the whole time i am writing. i just keep thinking some day it will get some better. i am not sure if it will.
     
  20. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Hello Mywen I think most of us here understand the emotional crashes; unfortunately these crashes happen because of the depth of grief we are experiencing. Maybe trying to talk with a friend or logging on here during your crash could possibly help. Some of my crashes would totally shut me down for the day to where I would cry with a blank stare and be stuck in that emotional state that would be hard to get out of. I go to grief counseling and explained to her what was happening, she suggested trying a treatment for PTSD that has actually helped me to not get so stuck in that emotional state to where I could deal with it a little easier. I know counseling and treatments don’t work for everyone but it has helped me because quite often my crashes would involve horrible flashbacks from the time spent at the hospital that would lock me up.