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Just lost wife of 23 years

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Gerald, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Gerald

    Gerald Member

    Hello, my wife died on Memorial Day May, 28th 2018. She had liver disease. Diagnosed 3 years ago. But last 7 months was very sick; in and out of the hospital. I was her caregiver whenever she was out of the hospital but still worked. She finally got to the point where she couldn't talk couldn't move but was in a lot of pain and the doctors said they couldn't do anymore so I had to make the decision to stop life sustaining measures as per the doctors suggestions and her previous discussions with me; saying she didn't want to be in pain at the end. So we transitioned her to "comfort measures" meaning morphine. I was able to bring her home under hospice care (twice a day). The rest of the time I had to give her the drugs which was an appalling situation. She died at home after 8 days of being fed nothing but morphine. I don't know what I'm doing on this site, I've never been one to go onto chat sites, first time. But no one I know has lost a spouse and I don't know what to do. Feeling profound and absolute sadness. Have to drink myself to sleep only to be plagued with nightmares of grief and guilt. We had no kids so just me and the pets. I feel like a ghost in this house. Sorry I'm so depressing
     
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  2. lulup

    lulup Member

    I lost my husband April 19th he was also very ill the past 7 months. I to was his caregiver. I find it impossible to face each day without him. I can not even function. I can not eat ,sleep all I do is think about him and cry. we were married 39 years and I was never alone I went from my parents house to our home. I have 2 sons but they are also grieving. I am alone in the house with my dogs. I have to sell our home for financial reasons plus it is 4000 sq feet. Way to large for me alone. You are not depressing as we all feel the same. I am sorry you have to go through this, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
     
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  3. Gerald

    Gerald Member

    Thank you lulup for replying as I'm having a particularly bad day. My family who all live in the next state over except for my brother and his kids is having a family reunion but I can't go as I have no one to watch the pets. So I'm alone in the house doing exactly what you said you are doing: thinking about her and crying. Walking from room to room aimlessly. I was getting out driving around but every road I take or areas I drive hold memories and I hate driving around without her. I'm so sorry you have to sell your house. I can't imagine having to have that burden right now. Have your family help you as much as possible is all I can say. Are you seeing a grief councilor? I am once a week although its not help a whole lot except to break up the monotony, but I just started. Try to take comfort that you had a good life with him and that you were there caring for him at the end. And for me knowing that this was GOD'S plan and that she's with him now helps(sometimes). It is a Herculean effort to think positively. My prays with you and we weren't alone today. You thought about me and I thought about you and I'm sure other people on this site are doing the same. My thoughts and prayers lulup.
     
  4. lulup

    lulup Member

    Thank you so very much it helps to share this pain with someone who knows exactly how you feel
     
  5. Sala

    Sala New Member

    I lost my husband this year in May after an illness of a year and a half. He was the love of my life and a wonderful father to my children. He went through so much and so did we. I grieve every single day and am unable to move on without him, don’t know how I will cope.
    Evenings are particularly hard as it was always around that time that the family would also be together.
    I am sorry to hear about your losses too and am still trying to find out how to comfort myself. Right now I feel as if I am inconsolable
     
  6. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

  7. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Gerald,
    I know what you're going through. It's only me as well, we never had children. Our dog lays on the top of the stairs waiting for Todd to come home. Night's are hard, I just want him back so badly. I lay in bed and embrace his leather coat (It feels like that's all I have left). Todd's memorial was Saturday and now everyone has gone back home most from MN (where we grew up) and CA, and all I do is think about him. There are so many unanswered questions as o was not with Todd when he passed away.
    It sounds like to me you were there doing all that you could for your wife. You shouldn't have guilt. But in a way i know how you feel. Sorry you're going through such a rough time.
     
  8. Mressler60

    Mressler60 New Member

     
  9. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Well-Known Member

    Dear Gerald, it is good you joined the site here, you are amongst all others who understand. I was caregiver for my husband
    After 24 years of Parkinsons, I totally cared for him at home his last nine years.I could do everything for him but then when he could no longer swallow I called hospice in, I had to administer all his morphine too, it was nine days later when he went from my arms into God's , on 11-7-2016 .
    Our 65th wedding anniversary was in May, I miss him so much and thank God everyday for my husband, he was a gift to me from God. HE will help us through this now journey in our lives.keeping you and all others in my every prayer.
    Sincerely, Patti
     
  10. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

     
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ron, so sorry for your wife's death after a
    whole life together. I looked at your
    "information" about yourself, and it was
    heartbreaking to see that you have NO
    interests. I'm a little younger than you &
    wasn't married as long, but 25 years of
    being inseparable, has ripped a hole in my
    heart. I forced myself to walk outside, in
    God's natural beauty. I walked into the
    senior center to meet others, including
    widowers & widows, so I wouldn't feel so
    alone. The fact that you bravely joined
    Grief in Common, is a cry for help. It's
    good to meet you. Lou
     
  12. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

    I understand that going to the senior center is good therapy. In my case, I have peripheral neuropathy which makes it very difficult to walk. Just last week I started using a cane. I trip over it more than get help from it. Without my wife to fuss over, I no longer have a purpose in life and hope it ends very soon. The very best to you in your recovery from this terrible loss. Ron
     
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ron, it means a lot to me that you replied
    to me just now. I happen to be having a
    rough day today. I didn't sleep well last
    night, because I had a lot of unpleasant
    dreams. I overslept, and missed my usual
    early morning breakfast at a popular
    place for both tourists & locals. I went
    later & had to wait in line. I walked on
    the Neck ( our promenade of shops and
    art galleries). I was depressed over the
    passing of summer, which means the
    closing of the shops for the season, around
    Halloween. I'm so sorry that you have
    trouble walking. Is there anyone to visit
    you, and keep you company. In our state of
    Massachusetts, we have an "angels"
    program, where volunteers can visit your
    home, help with cooking, laundry, and
    just listening. I really hate that you have to
    be do alone. I know your dear wife, who
    loved you, would not have wanted that.
    Because I went to breakfast late, I sat with
    a man, in his late 80s, who I hadn't seen in
    a long time. He is a kind man, whose wife
    died 11 years ago, but he misses her every
    day. He consoled me about my wife, Linda.
    We were even able to smile about things
    happening in our town. I thanked him for
    helping me. Tom feels that his purpose in
    his remaining years, I'd to help others. I
    feel that's my purpose, too. I recently met
    a younger woman, whose father had just
    died. She was devastated, and was crying
    in a restaurant. I had known her and her
    husband, and had never seen her this way.
    I put my hand on her shoulder, said I was
    deeply sorry, and told her about Grief in
    Common, and she was very grateful. I
    hope you can stay with us on here, Ron.
    May I ask what your area of the country
    is like? Linda and I traveled the country,
    but grew up on the coast of Massachusetts,
    and wanted to retire and live out our days
    here. Even though Linda is not with me
    physically, I have finally found a home.
    Lou
     
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  14. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

     
  15. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

    I live in Richmond, MI. Last night was awful. I kept hearing my wife moving from room to room and could not sleep. I am so tired and sad this morning I considered ending all of this. People say it takes 2-3 years to start to feel better. I don't think I have 2-3 years. I'm already 86 with neuropathy which makes walking a chore. I have been using a cane to help my balance but I still have lots of trouble balancing because my legs are so numb, that I can't feel the floor. I pray with my wife every night for her safety and comfort and then I ask God to let me die in my sleep and join Caryl in heaven. So far, that has gotten me nowhere. I have children and step children but they have their own lives. Sometimes I prefer being alone to make my own choices, but they are not always good. I pretty much live on heat and serve dinners They are not bad but not good to have the same thing every night. I have been keeping 2 vases of my wife's flowers from her rose garden since she went to heaven. I also go to the cemetery 2 times a week to replace the flowers that I leave there. I sent you a picture of Caryl with her prize Hibiscus. The more pictures I see, the more depressed I get.
    Thanks for listening,
    Ron
     

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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ron, your wife, Caryl, was a beautiful
    woman with a lovely smile. Thank you
    for showing her picture. I saved Linda and
    my wedding photos, but I can't look at them, even 2 years and 9 months since her
    sudden death in front of my eyes. I am
    never going to "get over" my grief of her
    death, but somehow, with prayer to God,
    I'm trying to get "through" my mourning
    for her. My mission in life is to give
    comfort to others, like you, who have
    undergone unspeakable, unfair trauma.
    As I may have told you, when Linda
    became ill, she made me promise to try to
    be happy, if anything happened to her. I
    have to keep that promise. When I see
    Caryl's smile, I think she wanted that for
    you, too, Ron. Lou
     
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  18. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

     
  19. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

    I appreciate the encouragement.
    Thanks, very much for the compliments also,
    Ron
     
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  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
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