I feel terrible. I’m only 19 and this hit heavy on my heart. I wasn’t close to my mom because she was divorced when I was 15 and lived away from us. But she loved me and my sibling with her while being. she passed away 5 days before anyone knew in her apartment. I hate that I was lazy to actually talk to her when she arrived one day early in the morning to say hi. She kept sending me messages of how much she loves no me, matter how fucking shitty I was with the replies sometimes with my mood swings kicking in. I really am crying every second of Today. I know she loves me but I can’t help but say sorry as I pray for her soul to Rest In Peace. I’m so sad but scared very scared. I have an amazing support system but now I’m scared of losing anyone. Grief hurts my heart like hell. I know this will change me drastically. I am just going taking all of this in a slow pace. I’m feeling everything but I want the regret to go away. The way she passed away makes my heart hurt. It was a normal death as they say. But she wanted to go to my aunt’s for the rest of quarantine cause she felt she didn’t know what would happen to her all alone with her thoughts. I’m literally balling as I right this. All of this I’m going to carry for idk how long. Can you all pray for my mom? in any positive way you’d like, she had no one near her for 5 days after passing. She never hurt a soul, she was always praised my everyone for being kind and with herself. I want to be next to her but she didn’t want me to visit her till quarantine is over because it’s safer for me and I’m a young and it’s dangerous during this pandemic. i accepted that. God I love her so much. I wish mommy, that you would know that I’m sorry for being annoyed by your messages I’m so sorry for every bad thing I ever said to you, I’m sorry I wasn’t there I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there I’m sorry you felt all of this alone I’m so sorry you felt alone I hate this so much I know your resting I know you are in wonderful place I love you so much. Rest In Peace you beautiful soul.
.va I hope u r doing better now . Do not make yourself guilty . You never knew anything of this sort is coming your way . We alwas yell at our parents get angry try to ignore them because we know whtever it is tgey will not leave us alone. At the end of the day we truly love them and they truly loce us. So your mother knows u love her. Let her rest in peace. Appy
Hi Ari, I have been typing for quite some time trying to figure out how to approach your thread. I want to start off by saying that I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 16 and all of the emotions that you are feeling now I felt and I still feel. The guilt is natural, unfortunately. When I first lost my mom I felt guilty as well. I didn't share the same experience as you but I felt the guilt none the less. No matter how much time I spent with my mother it was never enough. The pain made me afraid and paranoid that I would lose someone else in my life as well. I am 20 now and I won't tell you that it just gets better with time. I will tell you that every day is a choice. A choice to be and do better things than you did yesterday. Grieving is hard and everyone deals with it in different ways. You know that your mother loved you so much and you have a strong support system filled with people that will always be there for you. As long as you lean on those people you will find some form of peace. To get out of the guilt that I myself felt I had to forgive myself and tell myself that what happened to my mother was not my fault. There was nothing I could do. No matter how much time I spent would have changed the outcome. I am not sure if that will work for you but I am praying that it does. I will pray for you and I hope that you are doing a bit better.
