Jjong - 18/12/17

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by hwayoung, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. hwayoung

    hwayoung New Member

    Dear Jjong,

    It's been close to a year since we've lost you and nothing's been the same since. I still miss you every day, I miss your voice, your laugh, the way you made everyone feel happy and warm. You had this aura around you that I'll never forget, that I'll probably never find in anyone else. You were that one of a kind person, the one who befriended everyone, the one no one had anything bad to say about.

    When we first met all the way back in 2007 when I was 14 and you were 17, neither of us had known we would become best friends. You, me, the boys, we went on to become such great friends and we had some of the best years of our lives. You were on top of your game, everyone loved you., but the pressure became too much and eventually, you started to fade. I didn't notice it until September last year, when I first sat you down and asked you what was wrong. But you shrugged me off with a smile and an 'I'm fine' so I decided to drop the matter.

    But I had started to notice more and more how everything was dragging you down. I never knew how bad you had it until your sister called me in a frenzy. I could tell she had been crying and when she told me that you had sent her a long, detailed text - a suicide letter, of sorts - my world blanked. I remember her telling me to get to you, or at least to the hospital they were taking you, but it took me a little while to actually get up and out of my apartment.

    You were found in the apartment you had rented at 6:10PM on the 18th of December, 2017. You were barely but still alive and got rushed to the hospital, where you failed to regain consciousness and were pronounced dead at 6:32PM. You were only 27 years old.

    Your funeral was held on the 20th of December, only two days after your passing. I didn't cry at your funeral, mainly because the fact that you were gone, that you were never coming back, hadn't yet fully settled in. I started struggling with sleep, failing to close my eyes throughout the night. Once reality had sunk in, that I was never going to see you again, I broke down. Bad. I refused to eat, speak or sleep. The only thing I could think of was you, and how unfair this all seemed. You were so bright, had a whole future ahead of you. I was pissed - at you, for giving up and leaving us all behind with tremendous heartache, but also at myself for not knowing how bad you were hurting.

    To this day, I still think of you. I still dream of you and in my dreams, you are alive and well. I still wish you would come back to me somehow. The boys - they're doing okay, but I can tell they're still healing. Still picking up the pieces you left behind. We miss you, we all do. You were our shining little star, as we would call you, but how could we have known you'd become a real one?

    In one month and eight days, it will have been exactly a year since you left. I hope you're free of the demons inside your head now, and that you're looking down with a smile. For me, it still hurts like hell but I hope, at least, that you are happy now.

    With all the love,
    Hwayoung.

    They say writing, in a way, heals the mind and soul. It's taken me a long time to sit down and get around to writing this but it feels as if a small weight has lifted off my shoulders. I love you, Jjong.
     
    griefic likes this.