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Its been 9 months and I feel stuck

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by cs1971, Oct 8, 2020.

  1. cs1971

    cs1971 New Member

    I'm new to this, I have felt alone for a long time, feeling like I do not know how to communicate my emotions, hoping this will help me and others so they don't feel alone.

    My mom passed away on January 3rd this year, 4 days before her 49th birthday. She got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on Dec. 5th 2018, a year later Dec 2019 she was given 6 months to a year to live, one month later and she was gone. We are a big family, I have 2 younger siblings and 2 older siblings, my mom and dad would have celebrated their anniversary of 21 years together this year. I had never lost someone close to me before, I have never experienced this awful hopelessness as i do now. My mother was my favorite person in the entire world, I hate this life I have to live without her. She was the backbone of our family, without her my family feels incomplete and separated.

    This loss to me is so severe sometimes i question the reality of it. I am watching life happen, time keeps passing me by but I feel like I am not moving with it. I just like to be alone. I feel like i am always waiting for something to change, for things to get better, but i never act upon it, i am in an endless cycle. I do not really look forward to anything, nothing makes me excited, everything feels like a chore. Its honestly hard to fathom that its been 9 whole months. Its all been a blur, this has altered my life, when she got diagnosed I stopped my college to be with her through every appointment, surgery. Now I am 22, having no idea what do with my life and barely having the desire to figure it out.

    I do have a boyfriend that I have been with for a year and a half, and this has definitely taken a toll on our relationship, which I mostly blame myself for. I do not know how to help him help me. He doesn't know just how bad i am struggling because I don't know what to even talk about. It's like i have put up a wall around my emotions and even sometimes when I want to or think about what to say to explain I just end up staying quiet because it feels hard to communicate it. I know if I do not figure out a way to talk to him that I - we won't be able to move forward.
     
  2. cs1971

    cs1971 New Member

    My family made up a huge portion of who I was. I feel like I do not know who I am anymore. I feel lost, and do not really recognize myself. Everything feels pointless and impossible, it feels impossible to be happy about life.
     
  3. Swah

    Swah New Member

    Lost my mom on February 8, 2017 and she was not young. But I too am still struggling without her Everyday.... The other half of my brain. The things that have helped me...I am a long term member of AA, 36 years, I go everyday to meetings and try to help newcomers, remind myself how fortunate I am to be clean and sober..especially through this pandemic...many have relapsed in our fellowship..or died worse yet.....I was a pill addict and have taken nothing for 36 years now..and took nothing when she died...no interest in getting high or drunk thank God...but strong feelings still of unreality and disorientation.......drank lots of coffee and ate lots of popcorn. I walk 3.1 miles everyday and work out 3 times a week, I am struggling to get back from a relapse into an eating disorder which started again after she died, that led to a medical event on 9-11-20, possibly a TIA , which scared the hell out of me so am back on the straight and narrow with the food. Back down to 123..but fear another TIA or stroke...I like my brain the way it is.... I have a good husband but he is not a talker, he is a project guy, always downstairs working on something which is how he copes. I have had to realize that my loss has taken a toll on him too. He said to me the other day..you love your dead mother more than you love me. I have been unable to discard anything but have now started on that process. Am sure you have considered local grief support groups and maybe professional counseling. And may get back into school part time..very part time. Anyway...I am sad for you young lady. If I may say this..you were there at your mother's side to the very end as was I...right next to her the moment she died and she had been sick for many years really. She lived with us. All I know to do is recognize that my mother wants me to not grieve forever... and I am sure your mother would want you to live and be happy and productive again. Best of luck honey!!