I'm new to this, I have felt alone for a long time, feeling like I do not know how to communicate my emotions, hoping this will help me and others so they don't feel alone. My mom passed away on January 3rd this year, 4 days before her 49th birthday. She got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on Dec. 5th 2018, a year later Dec 2019 she was given 6 months to a year to live, one month later and she was gone. We are a big family, I have 2 younger siblings and 2 older siblings, my mom and dad would have celebrated their anniversary of 21 years together this year. I had never lost someone close to me before, I have never experienced this awful hopelessness as i do now. My mother was my favorite person in the entire world, I hate this life I have to live without her. She was the backbone of our family, without her my family feels incomplete and separated. This loss to me is so severe sometimes i question the reality of it. I am watching life happen, time keeps passing me by but I feel like I am not moving with it. I just like to be alone. I feel like i am always waiting for something to change, for things to get better, but i never act upon it, i am in an endless cycle. I do not really look forward to anything, nothing makes me excited, everything feels like a chore. Its honestly hard to fathom that its been 9 whole months. Its all been a blur, this has altered my life, when she got diagnosed I stopped my college to be with her through every appointment, surgery. Now I am 22, having no idea what do with my life and barely having the desire to figure it out. I do have a boyfriend that I have been with for a year and a half, and this has definitely taken a toll on our relationship, which I mostly blame myself for. I do not know how to help him help me. He doesn't know just how bad i am struggling because I don't know what to even talk about. It's like i have put up a wall around my emotions and even sometimes when I want to or think about what to say to explain I just end up staying quiet because it feels hard to communicate it. I know if I do not figure out a way to talk to him that I - we won't be able to move forward.