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It's been 3 years since I lost my mother

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by jt74, Feb 26, 2019.

  1. jt74

    jt74 Member

    Last month made 3 years since I lost my mom due to complications from COPD; she'd smoked for many years. She lost her mom at 14 years old so I think she used smoking to calm her. The grief process has been very tough, and I've coped in the best ways I know how. Some days I'm ok, and some days I hide that I'm not and just try to get thru it. I miss how lively and upbeat I used to be, and am not always sure I'll be able to get back there. Sometimes I want to apologize to people, and say "I wish I'd met you a few years ago" because I know I'm not the same. There are times, especially during holidays and Mother's Day, that I wish I can just skip over those days. It's hard to express what it's like to my spouse because he still has both of his parents, and sometimes I think I bring it up too much and that he feels helpless when I'm sad because I was always the upbeat positive one. My husband recently said he thought it would make it worse if he brought it up so I told him it helps when we talk about her. Sometimes I disconnect emotionally to deal with the pain, but when I really need to feel when something good is happening, it's hard for me to be in the moment- it's just kinda dull. I also still have trouble focusing sometimes.
    Over the most recent Christmas, my daughters (19 and 14) expressed how much they miss her (she was their favorite grand parent). My oldest daughter says she's a little jealous of her cousins on my husband's side who still have their grandmother, and she started crying when my sister in law was asking how I was handling the holidays without my mom. I'd noticed a recent attitude change in my 14 year old, and she confessed how much she was missing my mom, and we cried together. I felt so awful because I don't think I fully considered how much they must be grieving too because I was too wrapped up in my own pain and trying to get back to life as usual. I also felt guilty because I'd talked to her so many times about quitting smoking, and pleaded with her that we all needed her to stay around and be ok. My girls are doing well in other areas of their lives, and I know they miss sharing their successes with her. Most recently, for the 3rd anniversary of her death, my husband was gone on a missions trip and I think it's the saddest I'd felt in a long time, and it honestly scared me how deep my grief still was. I don't know if there's a getting over it; I think people just learn to move on with it and in spite of it. I don't feel like I'll ever be like my old self again.
    I'm thankful my mom's isn't struggling to breathe anymore or suffering, but I miss her so much. I believe she's in a better place, but that better place is not with us so it's tough.
     
    jt74, Feb 26, 2019
    #1
    JoNas and Chris042116 like this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    JT, I am so sorry for your loss and all that your family is going through. The loss of a parent is so significant and yet the need for support can be so misunderstood. I always say our parents were our first loves and if we're lucky that relationship extends into adulthood. Our parents are often our biggest cheerleaders and supporters. They are the ones we feel guide us, and I don't think there's ever a time where we don't hope for their happiness or approval. To no longer have that in life is a huge adjustment, and what you may find you're missing is the sense of unconditional love that only a parent can bring. Yes, our spouses and our children love us. But it is a different love, and so it's not just a person who is gone but a specific feeling they brought to your world that you are missing too. It's okay that you are still struggling, even if it doesn't feel okay to you. Talking about it helps. Throw away the timelines, don't worry if it's been "too long" or if you think you've talked about it "too much". Perhaps these conversations are just what you need -with your spouse and children and those around you. Let everyone know that you need a little more time. That you miss the old you too, but their support will make a big difference in your ability to move forward in a meaningful way.
    I'm including a few articles that I hope can be a help to you (see below). I'm glad you're here and hope we can be a help to you~
    https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/need-help-with-your-grief-share-this-letter/
    https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/loss-of-a-parent/
    https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/carrying-grief-why-it-doesnt-always-get-easier/
     
    griefic, Mar 6, 2019
    #2
    Struggling Lady likes this.
  3. Struggling Lady

    Struggling Lady New Member

    So deeply sorry for the loss of your loving mother (your children precious grandmother), you have my sincere condolences. Both of my parents has passed. My dear mother passed away 7 years ago. My loving father passed away on the 27th of Jan this year. I can say to you respectfully and honestly (i can personally relate to every emotion you expressed) and certainly those perhaps not expressed. I'd like to say this to you in the sincere hopes it will be of some help to you and your children. It may sound a bit heartless or even without compassion but please know i only mean this in good faith! In the midst of your grief and pain, please try to be mindful of The Word Of God... Although it's extremely hard and most difficult to endure, there is a Truth that we must Accept! That Truth is (We're ALL just Passing Through) None of us are here to Stay! My father has told me that my entire life and i honestly Thank God he did because it's helped me to cope! Just saying that out loud or to myself has helped me in a way that still amazes me (daily)! Oh i do still have dark days and sad moments but By the Grace of God, not like i use to (because when I'm spiraling downwards in my Grief, i hear God's Promise and my Earthly Father), We're ALL just Passing Through (There's Power and Healing when/if you can be mindful of that EACH AND EVERY DAY)! As you grieve the loss of your mother, do know that we are here for you (You're Not Alone) and Our Heavenly Father (Will NEVER LEAVE YOU)... I will keep you/family lifted up in Special Prayer. I hope that in the midst of the tears you shed (remember to Smile) It's what your loving mother would want for her Darling Daughter! God Bless...
     
    Struggling Lady, Jul 18, 2019
    #3