It's been 2.5 years and I still don't know how to "deal" with this...

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Eli, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. Eli

    Eli New Member

    I lost a really close friend 2.5 years ago. I never dealt with it, and it's eating me up more and more each day. My ex, Taylor, and I "adopted" three of our adult friends as our "children" and Nater was one of them. He was an alcoholic but a really good dude. We were friends for several years, but he was a bit of a drifter, so I went long periods without seeing him until he would just randomly show up at the house, crash on the couch, do my dishes the next morning and then hit the road again. Anyway, me moved to Tennessee and met a girl. They moved to Virginia where he ended up being on probation and was forced into sobriety, a steady job, and a home life with a the girl who ended up breaking up with him and treating him like shit while they still lived together. The only good thing he had to say about this was that he didn't have stomach ulcers anymore, but sobriety was just too much for him to handle. It was his coping mechanism for life and suddenly it was ripped from him. So September 2016 he hung himself in their apartment. It's probably the saddest thing I've ever had to deal with, but as I said, I haven't dealt with it. I've just let it fester. I cried in the beginning...sometimes I still do. It will never be "okay", but I would like to be okay. I got a tattoo in memory of him that says "this too shall pass".
    Two weeks after he killed himself, my cat died. It was an impossibly sad time of my life.
    And then just a couple days ago, I found out my ex (not Taylor) died of cancer. I'm not specifically torn up about his death. If I'm being honest, I only dated/lived with him (Ben) for a short time, it was the middle of the worst time of my life (not his fault), and I treated him like shit. I feel like I'm not entitled to feel anything about his death. We didn't even keep in contact after we broke up, and that was about 10 years ago. Of course, it's still really sad. He was only 31. But it really ripped open the wound of Nater's death for me and I just don't know what to do with myself. How does one "deal" with this? What do you do? How am I supposed to feel?
  2. Eli

    Eli New Member

    *he moved to Tennessee...

  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Eli not sure if you are still around? I would be interested to know if this site has been of help? Really this is more my wife's experience. She had a series of losses. There are people that we just enjoy so much. Really foundational on many levels. People that add to our lives. People, we can be our selves with and are accepted without conditions. Then there are people who are difficult and have little to add or admire. So yes your losses do count and are hard and serve to say we are alone.

    Best to you Eli and all of us.

    Paul M.