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It seems unimaginable to ever get over the loss of my husband...the love of my life.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Sophie, Sep 16, 2018.

  1. Sophie

    Sophie Member

    My husband was the epitome of health, strength, happy, loving, and had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. I will never, ever understand why he was the one to get so deathly ill with esophageal cancer and die. How can this be possible? I lived through breast cancer. I am a 16 year survivor. I feel like I am the one that should be gone....not him. That’s the way I’ve always had it planned in my mind. He was the stronger one of the 2 of us. He had so much more to give other’s than me. He was so full of life, had so many friends, never met a stranger and was such a big part of my entire family. He was so PRESENT! Now there’s nothing. My entire family has felt the loss of his presence. However, they’ve been able to carry on with their lives. They all still have spouses, children and grand children. I had him.
    It was always me and him. He was my 2nd marriage and I his. He had 2 children. I had none. I had endometriosis and lived with that disease, lots of pain, and multiple surgeries. I finally had to have a total hysterectomy in my early 40’s. I was close to his son. He married a wonderful woman and they have 2 children. They are great kids, too. They are growing up so fast and so involved with school, activities, and sports. I love them....and miss them, too. My husband has been gone now for almost a year. My mother passed away 6 months after he did. She was my life, too. My husband and my mother. I’m now agoraphobic, I stopped driving and spend my days at home with my 2 small dogs and 2 very large cats. I cry a lot. I’m very sad and depressed. I will go out, only if I have to; like doctor’s appointments. Someone has to drive me. I’ve made no progress after almost a year. I wonder if I’m even normal. I’ve had family that made themselves quite available, in the beginning. Now, I can go days and never hear from
    anyone. It’s a strain, at times, when I do hear from someone and I feel I have to act “as if” everything is ok. One of my family members likes to tell me what I should be doing, or NOT doing! I sometimes want to scream and tell them “you’re not in my shoes”! And “I wish you could feel the pain, hurt, loss, sadness, and depression I feel.” Every! Single! Day! I’ve never been online before for a discussion group. I’m feeling exposed right now, like....maybe I’ve said too much. These fellow grieving members may think I’m a bit overboard. Maybe I am. I’m simply expressing how I feel and I’m taking a big leap here putting myself out there hoping someone can relate and we can share our thoughts and cares to one another. I want to feel
    safe.
     
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your husband. We never know what will happen. My father has been ill for years, so everyone thought he would go before my mother. However, she died suddenly in May. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time - so it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks you should "be over it" by now.
     
  3. Cathy H.

    Cathy H. Member

    Sophie, thanks for putting yourself out there, don't regret sharing ever. It's been a year for me at the loss of my husband of 28 years. It's still hard but in different ways. I went to grief support groups the first 3 months, but didn't like that there were many stuck people in the group for a long time. It made me work harder to put myself out there, one small step at a time to function in the world. The videos and assignments were great in the group, but once that was over, it was time to leave. I had a small family originally, but they have all passed. My husband and I were everything to each other. There was never a support system. I do have 2 wonderful doggies that keep me going. My point is that everyone's circumstance is different. I go to work at a new job, where they know nothing about me. I volunteer with a local thrift shop and food pantry. I did this before my husband passed and continued to do so. Volunteering saved me, because they need me no matter what. Also, it reminds me that there are others much worse off than me, even with my life changing loss. I learned to be grateful every day even though I am sad with grief. I am functioning and continue to have hope that it will get better. In the mean time, I am developing skills by practicing to be happy and functional. You can be sad for a long time and take some steps back ward now and then, but please don't find being stuck and non-functional as a comfort. Each day is a new opportunity for good. If you mess up today, there's always tomorrow.
     
    Sophie likes this.
  4. Fafa

    Fafa New Member

    Sophie, I lost my husband of 41 years to cancer too! He passed away here at home 5 months ago, after a courageous 1 1/2 year battle with that unspeakable horrid 'cancer'. Like you, I had a husband unparalleled. There will never anyone like him. He was "the one my soul loved." I do not know where I began and he left off. He did not have biological children, but he loved my 2 children, son-in-laws and grandchildren. And oh! how they loved him.
    The funny thing is I am coping at the other end of the spectrum than you. I am creating chaos in my life. I made 4 appointments on the same day at the same time!! Whew!
    I go to a monthly Bereavement Group, I have a Stephen Minister (lay person), weekly to a therapist and go to daily (almost) mass. As if I haven't delved into enough of a mixer of activities (volunteering in 3 groups, providing dinner for a couple expecting because wife is housebound for the next month, play mahjong one a week, birthday luncheon once a month, bunco once a month.), I am seriously considering adopting a Labradoodle! That will be a job in itself. Researching if it's the right breed for me, visiting the breeding farm several times (3 hours from my home). I think that will have to wait until I am ready to stay home. o_O
    I am exhausted, almost past my anger with God and yes, my husband. Why did he have to get cancer and die at 65??? He left me here all alone to deal with everything on my own.
    My daughters & I are all grieving and feeling sorry for ourselves, so we are not able to fully support each other.
    I miss him so much! He was my everything for 1 1/2 years, every moment of every day, I cared for him. I stopped all non-hubby activity. We were all together, while we fought cancer together as a family. But regarding our daughters, because they have full lives, I hear from one maybe once a week, and rarely from the other daughter (she lives 1,725 miles from me). We text every day or 2 days.

    I do not know if this makes any sense or helps you in any way. Just know that you started this conversation and you helped me. Thank you dear sister.
    Peace and blessing,
    Fafa (my grandmother moniker :p)
     
    Sophie likes this.
  5. Sophie

    Sophie Member


    Hey Cathy,
    I’m trying to figure out how this site works, so forgive me that I haven’t responded to your reply. I sincerely appreciate any feedback I can get right now. I understand what you’re doing with the volunteer work. Helping others.
    When my husband first left this life....I didn’t feel anything. I had some tears and bouts of crying, but for the most part I felt numb. I said to myself “what is wrong with you. You stood over your husband and watched as he took his last breath”! I considered myself “crazy”! I had spent 11 months by his side, every waking minute. Cared for him with all I could give....and then some. He was hospitalized 7 times, had TPN twice....endless sickness. I’ve never seen any one as sick as he was....and I wasn’t feeling anything!! However, that didn’t last long. It did get me through planning his service, attending the wake and funeral. After that it hit....like a ton of bricks....and hasn’t stopped. I was desperate to make the pain, depression, and heaviness in my chest go away. I started watching Joyce Meyer. Thru her, I learned that helping others, like you do, is one sure way to feel better and get through sadness and depression....loss, etc. I want to do that. I want to experience some relief from all that I’m going through and feeling. With the agoraphobia I’ve developed and not driving, I’m limited. I’ve always wanted to volunteer at my local GSPCA. It’s not too far from me, maybe 25 minutes. I’m afraid to do anything, too, because my husband and I did everything together. Everything. So, yeah, I am stuck. I don’t know how to fix myself. The thoughts of starting over literally has me so scared. I do not know where to go. What to do. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Without him, I am nothing. I want to at least try and move forward, even if it’s an inch. I have to. You have given me a glimmer of hope. Bless.
     
  6. Cathy H.

    Cathy H. Member

    Try and have hope just for today. Or for a half a day. It is really hard starting over a new life without your loved one. This is the hardest thing that will ever happen to you. It can only get better one day, because nothing is worse than this loss and all these forced changes in your life. You will get through this for today. I'm gonna get through today a few moments at a time, but it will happen and it will for you too.
     
    Sophie likes this.
  7. Sophie

    Sophie Member

    Hey Cathy H. Thank you for the reply. Just from the short time I’ve joined this support group, I’ve learned to slow down my thoughts and reactions to everything. One day, one half a day, even one hour if necessary; smaller bits of time. You’re so right about this being the single hardest incident I’ve had happen to me. I’ve been so overwhelmed with thoughts about everything....slowing down has helped. I had days and days of racing thoughts, endless; decisions to be made about everything. So, yes....one day, one half day, one hour, whatever is needed has been a solution for calmness for me.

    I miss him so much! Next month is his birthday and also the date he passed away. I dread those 2 days that are approaching.

    Thanks again for the reply.
     
  8. Sophie

    Sophie Member


    Hey Fafa

    I am so thankful for your reply to my initial post. I apologize for not answering you back sooner. I’m getting better at figuring out how to use this website. I am very thankful I found this sight and can reach out to others going through the same experience I am.

    Every word of your post has helped me already. You’re able to get out and attend a group, go to mass when you want, and see a counselor. I’m not leaving my house. I don’t even want to walk to my mailbox! I know that’s a bit overboard and I’m hoping I don’t scare other grieving people away because of my agoraphobia. Maybe others are not thinking there’s no hope for me....except a place for the insane. Because of this website, I am seriously considering getting in my car and driving to the grocery store....all by myself. That would be a good thing for me. A real accomplishment. Who knows where driving alone, nearby, could lead me? I’m even considering a brand new vehicle for even more encouragement. I’ve been researching the safest vehicle for seniors. I want one with all the latest technology for safety; auto breaks, if I sway into the oncoming traffic, built in GPS....all that. I’m leaning toward a SUV.

    Anyway, enough of that. I want counseling, one on one. I want to attend a grieving group. I want to attend church. Everything you’re doing, I’ve needed and wanted desperately. I did start watching, and recording, Joyce Meyer. In the beginning, I’d sit and watch her show back to back. She’s a Christian and holds seminars all over the country. She may go around the world, I can’t remember. She does have her broadcast’s worldwide and does so much work in aiding other countries. Her childhood to early teen story is a sad one. She’s gotten me through some of my worst days. Her show, her words, and the Good Lord. Then, I don’t know if this happens to you, I’ve had many days where nothing helps. Those are the worst to get through and I’ve learned to let them happen and I’m ok with that. I think we have to be sad, cry, sob, and be emotional. It’s only natural and I do think, also, it is beneficial in easing the pain inside our hearts and minds. I’ve had countless bouts of sobbing and sobbing and when it’s all out, I’ll feel better. Have you experienced that?

    My husband’s birthday and the day he passed away dates are fast approaching and I’m quite apprehensive about that. I haven’t decided what I’ll
    do on those 2 days. The “firsts” are really hard.

    Write back if you want. Thanks again.