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It seems impossible to live

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by @APPY, May 16, 2020.

  1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hospice puts out a list of how grief may present. We can read that list and likely more than one symptom we know. Several in combination. There were about 50 on the list.

    I did, acute loneliness, confusion, buckets of tears, insomnia, overthinking or obsessional thinking and overtalking to a point of driving my friends crazy. anger is present but I see that as raw nerves and zero tolerance. So much of that was the demands that caretaking is. Grieving them while doing an impossible job that stretched us to or limits.

    Then there were some on the list I was grateful not to have. Those might be a physical heart attack. chest pains, anxiety interrupted sleep with nightmares.

    Then there were the ones I would have liked to experience. Seeing her in dreams or some experience their presence in the room.

    The jealousy was also listed. I thought not that one. I would guess that is just seeing what we lost and being reminded of what we lost. We have a life to fill but are broken and clueless about how to do that.

    Our person was everything and now there is nothing. More than that we are hardly able to get through a day not consumed by sorrow and pain. There is sea level but we start below sea level.
    So the climb out begins. I knew this would be difficult but not nearly how difficult. I am mind-blown over that.

    There are countless things that help a little. I have done so many. The best are other people that can listen well or Have wonderful lives they share with us.

    Better does come just slowly and sometimes in unexpected ways. We can be proactive but healing time is just that.

    I wish us all well and better.

    Paul M.
    @APPY, Mothernature and RLC like this.
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I agree it's hard looking at people with their spouse. I told his nephew when he doing some crazy stuff he better cherish his wife while he can. I told him I'd give anything to get his uncle back. It's hard doing stuff with just me and the kids cause I always feel funny without him. Everyday is a challenge. Praying we all get stronger to deal with the changes in our lives.
    RLC likes this.
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    I am a basic pagan but when I do pray. I will do whatever it takes to feel better. I will generally pray that God looks out for all the people I love. I will think of them all both current and past. Request protection and blessing for each one.

    I have a FB friend who practices gratitude each day. That can be big or a simple cup of coffee. Shee usually has ten things she feels gratitude for. We have received so much.
    @APPY likes this.
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Paul, Beautifully stated. You covered so many areas and they ring so true. I agree that better does happen, and it sure is slow, but it happens.
    The things that help, you have that right too. It’s the little things, the people who include us in every day life, the ones who listen and don’t judge. The cup of coffee they stop by with to just sit and offer company.
    When Ron I talked of one of us passing we always said how hard it would be for the one left behind. There are no words for how awful this feels, a million times worse then your mind could imagine. That’s why most people can’t offer the support we need, only the ones who have felt this pain know how to support us.
    I’ve had the insomnia, the tears the not eating, etc. but I have experienced Ron in the room with me, I saw him this morning. And I’ve had the dreams. I hope each one of us experiences that. It’s a wonderful thing.
    We will all eventually have better days.
    @APPY likes this.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    I love you dearly. I love your marriage and find it inspirational. Our partners are exceptional people. The fit is the perfect fit. So, the pain is exceptionally painful. My hope is we eventual heal. My hope is none of this is wasted. My hope is a life serving the greater good that is informed by all we are going through. Life has meaning!! That may be nurturing a grandchild. That may be helping a neighbor find a lost cat. All we were given should find expression in our life forward. We are the love that was given. Therefore we love. No matter the shape or size. Little can be immeasurable. When ready opportunities will present. My hope is to see them and not turn away.

    You are the best!!

    Paul M.
    @APPY and Liley773 like this.
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I can’t thank you enough Paul, your response is exactly what i needed. Someone to notice that what we’ve had and what we’ve lost is so life changing. Our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to either of us. So fortunate to find each other so young. You’re right, when the fit is so perfect, the pain of the loss is unbearable. Never in a million years could we have ever thought one night out of no where Ron would suffer such a catastrophic heart attack. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, everyone sees and knows exactly how I feel and what I am. Sometimes that works against me, but that’s who I am. I know you and Kay were a perfect fit too, like 2 pieces of a puzzle coming together. Now one piece is missing. And there’s a new puzzle, how to move forward.
    There definitely is a learning curve from all we’ve been through and what we’re experiencing currently. And it changes daily.
    I’m trying to figure out my new purpose, but I totally agree with your statement, life has meaning. We’ll all figure that out as we move forward. The small things people have done for me mean so much, and I’m up to doing small things for people. And have, it make me feel better and the person I’ve assisted feels better. So I consider that a Win Win!
    My brother recently lost his dog, I was there for him as he’s been for me. When I got the text saying his dog passed, I cried like a baby. It wasn’t all for his dog, so many emotions came flooding back. But he also thanked me for the support I offered. That felt good.
    Thank you for seeing that the life I had was special, and understanding, through your loss how that feels.
    You’ve supplied great support to me, thank you! ❤️
    @APPY and Liley773 like this.
  7. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    We will get stronger, for our kids and for ourselves. I feel it happening already, I'm starting to feel sparks of hope. The crying feels more therapeutic and less gut wrenching.
    @APPY and Sweetcole like this.
  8. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    Oh my God I know what you mean! It seems so unfair My husband was truly my best friend. Instead of feeling bitter about it, I try to see it in a different light. How blessed we're we to actually be happy? To actually like and love the person we spent our lives with. Was the happiness we felt then worth the pain we feel now? It is, I would not have chose this but, it's a fair trade none the less.
    @APPY likes this.
  9. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. I think we all have questions , what ifs,couldas and shouldas. I tell you the complaints will seem pretty when you dont have them anymore. I lost my fiancee four months ago and I miss him everyday. I still wish that it was a nightmare I could wake up from.
    @APPY and RLC like this.
  10. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I meant the complaints will seem petty
  11. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Our partners were everything and continue to be. I view Kay, my wife, as inspirational and with me each step I take.

    Love these posts. We are speaking the same language.
    @APPY, Kristine50 and Sweetcole like this.
  12. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    Oh my God, that's exactly what my daughter and I were talking about yesterday! We both have very vivid dreams sometimes where it seems and feels so real. We both have had the thought" what if this is just a very vivid nightmare and I'll wake up any moment" It's not and we won't, but we will survive this.
    Liley773 likes this.
  13. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Yea we will survive. It's just gone take time to help us deal with the pain. They will forever live on in our hearts. When we got ready to go somewhere yesterday my son said mom we cant leave daddy. He said I want him to sit right here as he pointed to the seat. I said we will always take him with us baby cause he's in our heart. He said he is. I said yes baby we'll always remember him. He said ok mommy.
    @APPY, Kristine50 and glego like this.
  14. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Mother nature and Sweetcole.

    I would guess your husbands appreciated you both.
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  15. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    Oh, that is beautiful and it's so true. They also live through our children. Mine and my husband's are grown now and I see their Dad in their personalities all the time, it's very comforting. As your and your husband's children grow you will see more of him in them also. I'm so sorry for the extra painful loss of losing him while your children are small
    Sweetcole likes this.
  16. G-ma

    G-ma Member

    Hello all, Read everyone's replays. It's very hard! Lost my husband and daughter in 2015. Still having grief and I understand about the jealousy of seeing other people with their better half. I still have to deal with that.