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It only worse

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Rebekah, May 8, 2020.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Our lives do seem quite a bit the same. I do know how to use our lawn mower but as my arthritis got worse Ron wouldn’t let me mow or do anything the least bit strenuous. Now I do everything. He wouldn’t be happy about that. I can’t even imagine all you’re doing after your surgery. Does your daughter help you with things.
    I find that too, when I think back on something, my mind clicks, and I realize that was Ron. I bet you do hear Chrissy’s tea pot. Wonderful and sad at the same. It’s nice to get signs. I guess you do know your way around the kitchen if you were a cook. That’s awesome! I love to cook and bake, but I rarely cook now. No one to cook for. Ron and I always hosted all the holidays, we loved hosting. And I wanted to keep hosting and I told my brother I planned to continue, I feel the need to stay home where I would be with Ron. But now my sister lives in Florida and we don’t talk anyway, and my brother hasn’t come for holidays. So it makes me sad. I cook for my daughter and myself at least once a week sometimes more. Loved cooking for Ron.
    Yes, keep pushing on, we have to. That’s what our spouses would want.
     
  2. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Sadly,I don't see my daughter much at all. Even though she still called this place home. She stays with her boyfriend a lot and works a full time job. She just never seems to have much to say or talk about with me. Only when it is technical like if she got a certified letter in the mail that she didn't understand. Then she has all kind of time to talk. I've questioned her about it to find out if it was something I said or did. She insists that it's just that she's quiet and didn't have anything to say. My older son is like that too I guess they don't realize how much their dad needs their conversation and to be a part of their lives. My middle son is a little better at staying in touch and I'm glad for that because he's the one with my grandkids and I just love seeing them and talking to them. At 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old, they are a bundle of fun. They take my mind to a good place. My daughter will help with the laundry and taking out the trash when she's here but that's about it. I could see if I started dating someone or hanging out in bars might cause them to push away but honestly, I don't even remember most of the first year or year and a half after my wife's death. It's all kind of a blur. I barely left the house except for work. hI Although I have some bad days, I'm just now beginning to start my "new me" life. It's like trying to walk with only one leg after using two for the past 40 years. And I hardly cook at all any more. I've been off since November with this surgery and now I'm on disability with this neck and back issues. Cooking for one just sucks. I'm not big on leftovers so actually making a decent meal for just one person doesn't happen. That is sad that your family won't come to your house for the holidays. I always liked hosting then because I got to make big meals for everyone. My son started having them at his house and I didn't object because with him having the little ones, it's easier for him not to have to travel with them or take them out in the cold. Although Thanksgiving these days are usually spent outside any more winter doesn't seem to arrive until mid January any more. Since my mother started her chemo, I find myself making a big pot of soup for her and my dad. My dad can't hardly boil an egg and I want my mom to keep her nutrition up while being treated so I try to keep some good for going her way. This path of life has many turns. That's for sure. I just pray I have the strength to navigate the the turns
     
  3. AML

    AML Member

    Thank you. I'm definitely just existing at this point. Sleepwalking threw this day to day nightmare I can't wake up from and can't believe is real. I'm back at work, luckily I can work from home seeing as I still cry randomly a lot. I don't know that I'll ever find peace in this, or not knowing that he's ok and I know that sounds weird but I've been worrying about him for 2 decades and don't know how to stop worrying about him all day and night. I lay in bed at night asking for signs and begging him to haunt me so I know he's ok and still here in some way. I just can't accept it and can't stop waiting for him to come home.
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Dave,
    I’m sorry your children haven’t been as supportive as is needed. I’m sure they’re mourning their Mom my daughter has been my greatest support, she stayed with me at my house for I guess 8 months, and worked from my house. My son stays in contact with me but he’s in Florida and I do worry he’s possibly in denial. Because my family stopped coming for holidays my daughter and I planned on Easter in Florida with my son, of course that was canceled. My younger brother has been somewhat supportive, right after Ron’s passing he called me every day. Then he stopped but I had a talk with him and let him know his support is needed and please stay in touch, I tried my best to let him know the pain involved and he listened and was giving me support and inviting me to go get pizza once in a while. That went on a while but slowed down and now with this virus I hear from him sporadically at best. My older brother has only called me twice since Ron passed but if I call him he will definitely help me. He helped me empty our shop. Even thinking of that makes me cry. Then I have a sister, enough said about her.
    At least your middle son is more available for you, I can imagine how wonderful it is to be around your grandchildren, young and full of life and curiosities. Do you have other family near by? It’s strange how people think we should be ok in such a short time. One day they’ll see, not sure if I will there to help them, time will tell. I’m at a year and a half now, I’d say I barely recall the first 4 or 5 months, maybe longer, like you everything was a blur. I believe I was in shock, while in the hospital and when the dr told me Ron didn’t make it. It happened so fast, I couldn’t wrap my mind around him having a heart attack let alone he’s now gone. My life 100% changed from that day forward. I’m no longer working, I miss working along side of Ron, we had an upholstery shop and sewing was my therapy, kept my hands in better shape. I miss the routine of it. I’ve never lived alone til now. I’m not loving that that’s for sure.
    You’re so right that cooking for one sucks and cooking just brings back the memories of cooking for “us”. Ron loved everything I made and he helped me make things, especially for the holiday dinners. I can’t peal potatoes and he would do that for me. My hands hurt too much to peal.
    I can’t even imagine the recovery you’re going through and doing it alone, that sucks too.
    I’m in NY, it’s too cold here to have thanksgiving outside, I’m surprised PA is that much warmer. I have family in PA and I used to go to a family reunion each year at Knoebels Park in Elysburg. I stopped going when my Mom passed in 2005.
    So your Mom is now fighting cancer, I’m so sorry. I’m sure she appreciates you making her soup. That was Ron and mine last dinner, I made us a pot of chicken rice soup, he loved it, I can picture him eating it and having extra helpings.
    You’re so right about the winding new roads and many turns. Certainly not loving it, but continuing to try my best.
    Robin
     
  5. AML

    AML Member

    I'm so lost right now. Can't accept it, can't make it threw the days. Can't stop thinking about it all and just crying all day. And it's all those little things, we talked to each other in some way all day everyday. He' s a master tech for Harley, so same, I always knew what bikes he was working on or fighting with. What parts hadn't come in, what projects he had on the side, what he ate for lunch, who was cracking him up that day just all the things. And the last 6 and a half weeks, I was a 24 hour home nurse for him as all his bones were healing , dr. appts, PT appts and we were just getting to a point of really seeing his recovery and the hope of life being normal again. We'd just had that conversation the evening before, the trip we were going to take to Savannah, as soon as he was healed and the world was open again.
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry, I know exactly how you’re feeling, Life is hard after losing your soul mate. The crying is actually good for you, as is talking about your loss. I totally understand the knowing of every part of his day and how things are going. I worked next to Ron and we shared everything and if I happened to stay home one day, to do bookkeeping or I wasn’t feeling well, we would text back and forth constantly all day. His last day at work I text him asking if he was coming home early like we discussed, I was home with a headache that day. He told me what he was working on and would quit soon and head home. The next day, we did errands together bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner did yard work, normal day, happy day together, until 9:30 that night. And he didn’t feel well. It happened so fast and two hours later he was gone. I was in shock. When I went into our shop and saw where he layed things down and thought of our texting I couldn’t handle the pain. I had to leave. On his phone I saw he was searching for a cruise for us to go on for our anniversary. June 4th would be our 43rd. It all sucks.
    I imagine you talking about plans to visit Savannah make you feel as I do when I saw his searches. We had a family vacation that was planned for 2 months after he passed, I had to cancel. That was hard to do.
    You took such good care of him, you were with him night and day. It doesn’t at all sound weird that you worry about him. I worry too. We need to know they’re ok. I say keep your mind open to signs, when you least expect it, something different or odd out of the blue might happen. I get signs regularly, some little some big. Just be aware. Some are obvious others a day later I’ll say to myself, wow, that was Ron. You’ll get signs I’m sure of it.
    There are better days ahead, we each need to work towards them. ❤️
     
  7. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    I'm sure our kids are morning her loss too but I think we need to support each other, not just go it alone. We are a family. I'm just not sure how to say something without upsetting anyone. My parents still live in their little house about 10 miles from me so it's easy to visit them. With this virus thing, I've been keeping my distance especially since my mom is getting chemo. I made her potato soup yesterday and took it over to her. She sent me an email saying how delicious it was. That made my day. Chicken rice is one of my favorite soups. Filling and nutritious.a meal in itself. What kind of upholstery did you do? I once made new seat covers for a boat that I had. That's when I decided upholstery wasn't for me ha ha. That's tough work to make it look nice. I live in South West PA. It isn't always warm in Thanksgiving here. It just seems like we are going through a change in our weather pattern. I hunt so Thanksgiving was always important since I left for hunting the day after. I always hoped for some snow and there usually was but not recently. Call it global warming if you want but I just think it's a change in the weather cycle.
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    I do totally agree, a family should mourn together, it supports you all at the same time. My daughter stayed with me the night Ron passed, we stayed in the living room together through the night and that became our place for many nights to come. When my son and his partner got here from Florida they stayed with us in the living room too. I cried most nights all night. Makes me cry writing about it. One of them or all of them would sit and hold me, then my daughter might start and we’d support her. My son is Ron Jr his partner, actually husband is Andrew. Andrew was so strong for us all. I love him like another son. We became very close during those days. He made the difficult phone calls. He drove us to the funeral parlor, he took care of us all while we were so broken. I wish they lived closer. I can understand that it’s difficult to talk about needing the support of them all and not wanting to hurt feelings. It’s a hard one.
    I love potato soup, so nice of your Mom to email you about the delicious soup. What’s strange is that I made chicken rice soup because I woke up feeling like I was coming down with a cold, I never got a cold but Ron who woke up fine, that’s a whole other story.
    When we opened our upholstery shop we did everything, furniture, boats and cars. As time passed we stopped doing furniture, cars is what we concentrated on. We still did boat seats but they had to be brought to us. It was making Ron be out of the shop too much to go give estimates. So mostly auto upholstery, seats, carpeting, convertible tops, tonneau covers. We did repairs and made from scratch. We did full restorations on antique cars. But then we were approached to create upholstery for medical exercise tables, we got the contract and made 20 sets a month for years. Then the last 3 years that’s all we did, moved to a smaller shop and stopped all other upholstery. It was easier on Ron’s hands he was in pain from working. Made life easier, we could go out for lunch, we stopped working Saturdays and we were preparing for retirement. That week we discussed when we should let them know we were retiring in 2020. I have both our industrial sewing machines in our basement and I sold a third one to a previous employee that I know will get good use out of it. Gave him a good deal. He came to the wake and was very nice and caring. I haven’t used my machine since it was moved here, too emotional. I used it daily for at least 6 hours a day. Great therapy for my hands. I can’t get motivated to do any sewing really. Possibly in time.
    I agree that there seems to be a new weather pattern, my heat is still running this late in May. Crazy! Both my brothers were hunters, one doesn’t hunt any more the other I think still does but not as often. He actually retired after Ron passed, he said he had a moment of realization that you never know what tomorrow will bring. And he wants to enjoy his family. I’m glad he retired just wish it wasn’t Ron who made him stop and think.
     
  9. AML

    AML Member

    it's official, I'm grasping on to anything enough that I called a medium yesterday. My take away was it was at best a good therapy session. Specially considering all the places I've been referred to in the area for grief therapy are all closed right now due to covid and I really needed something, anything. Feel like I'm going crazy everyday. I'm thankful my youngest daughter still lives with me right now while in college. I'm just trapped in this endless cycle of disbelief and waiting for him to come home and then the real harsh fact of knowing he's not going to, thus crying randomly all day everyday. I do work from home but it is definitely not enough, even as busy as I stay, to keep me distracted or keep my head and heart from turning all day.
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I totally understand the need to try anything, your loss is so resent and everything is harder because of this virus. It is nice that you have your daughter I’m sure you support each other which is great.
    I give you credit for working, you’re pushing on as best you can. I know there’s brain fog happening, we all seem to suffer with that.
    My daughters best friend lost her husband to a tragic accident. She went to a medium and she came away feeling like her husband was there. The medium walked her through the house and pointed out the changes that had been made and told her that he loved the sunflower garden she made in his honor. I’ve never gone to a medium but I’ve considered going to the one she went to. The way I see it, do whatever might you feel even a little bit better.
    Things do ease up with time, but it takes quite some time. Make sure you get outside and breathe in some fresh air.
    One day, one hour or one moment at a time. ❤️
     
  11. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will get easier AML. I barely remember anything for the whole first year after I lost my wife. The whole thing is just a blur. I bought things I didn't need and hardly left the house. I would just let the answering machine get the phone. I don't know how our two dogs survived because I didn't remember feeding them. Eventually I started fixing the lid on their dog food container a certain way after breakfast and then I would turn it another way after I feed them dinner because literally like 5 minutes after feeding them, I couldn't remember that I did. Other days I thought I feed them but I forgot. It's a really crappy place that you are right now but you have to trust me that it will get better. Not completely, but better. Hang in there and in the mean time we are here at this site to prop you up
     
  12. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    My wife passed away in our living room also. Sometimes I still see her laying there in that hospice bed. I guess that's why I can't entertain the thought of selling this place. I have about 2 1/2 acres and my little 3 bedroom frame ranch. This house has been here a long time and we lived in it almost 30 years together raising our family. My neighborhood was very rural when we moved here. Cattle and dairy farm were the norm. Now the developers have moved in and knocked down the silos and built up the mini mansions. You can't hardly find a house in my neighborhood for less than half a million. I hate to see it change. It used to be so quiet here. It was good that you had Andrew to help you all out as he did. Sometimes it's easier for someone outside the immediate family to have the clear head during those times. Sounds like you should put those old sewing machines back to work making masks. I hear there is a high demand for them ha ha. And yes, it's too bad that some people wait to long to figure out that time cannot be replaced. Every moment is precious. In going to retire as soon as I can, not worry about money, and spend as much time I can with my children and grandchildren as I can. That way when it's my time to go, I'll have no regrets.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Wow, we do have quite a few things in common, your neighborhood being built up from being dairy and cattle farms, mine from ducks, cattle and potato farms. I grew up in the town I still live in and everyone knew everyone. Now I feel I barely know anyone. Our home is on a acre of property, Ron and I bought it 38 years ago, the first owners my family knew well, they owned the local pharmacy. Now there’s huge houses being build at a rapid pace. Just like your area. I won’t ever sell this house, I can’t. Suppose I shouldn’t say never but that’s how I feel now.
    Ron passed at the hospital, but prior to being taken there he threw up multiple time and he felt very weak, and ended up laying on the bathroom floor with a worried little dachshund climbing on him.
    I know Andrew was a godsend, he took over in a beautiful way. My children and Andrew catered to me with such love, and they were hurting too. The fact that they all stayed with me night and day, I can’t even put into words. Stacey, my daughter lives close and is with me often, and my son wants us to visit whenever we want. Always welcome.
    The industrial sewing machines would eat up appropriate material for masks, but I have regular machines I could use. But I lack that drive ever since Ron is gone. I agree with your last sentence, retire as soon as you can, to enjoy your children and grandchildren. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I lost my cousin to a brain aneurysm one month before Ron passed. He was walking his dogs, people driving by called 911. He had a physical the week before. “Healthy”. Ron was also “healthy”. Both those instances helped my brother decide to retire. I’m glad, I thought he’d be in my life more but that hasn’t happened.
    I sometimes picture Ron being so sick in the bathroom on the floor or on the gurney as he was rolled out, or in driveway waiting to be rolled in the ambulance and him yelled many time “ I love you Robin”. i also picture him in the hospital after he passed. Pictures in our heDs that will stay forever. I understand you seeing your wife in your mind on the hospice bed. And feeling the need to keep your home. It can be overwhelming.
     
  14. AML

    AML Member

    Thank you for that as I need to hear it .Your statement describes it perfectly and I go threw this with my dogs daily actually, might explain why my Boston's gaining weight, mean while I'm losing it as I forget to eat myself nor care. I've reached out to the grief counselors but have yet to hear back from them. I still sit in half disbelieving this is real and he's coming home, and the other half crying all day because I know he's not. I'm sleep walking threw my days right now and really just don't care, about anything.
     
  15. AML

    AML Member

    one hour at a time is how I live right now. Thank you for just being on here.
     
  16. AML

    AML Member

    Correction, it feels more like existing now not living. I just try hour to hour to make it without breaking down. I just don't want this life we built together without him. and I miss my husband, my companion, my friend all day everyday and I spend my nights waking up all night talking to him. I just can't do this
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I totally understand. My big thing was and I still feel it is that I have no purpose now. Even though my son said yes you do, Stacey and I need you. So nice and caring of him, but sometimes all I’m doing is caring for my house. If this quarantine ever lifts I think we’ll do better.
    Your loss is so very recent, I went through all those things you list. It sucks! Sleep has always come hard for me, I don’t even know when I started sleeping better. I was awake most of last night. But I am doing better with sleeping, I take CBD oil. I can think of memories and smile. I still have triggers of course, I’m still working towards feeling better. I miss him every day all day. I miss working with him, I miss every little thing. I believe they are with us, watching over us and of course always in our heart. Is that enough, NO. But it’s what we have.
    Nothing prepares us for how this feels. I’ve surprised myself at how strong I am, never would have guessed.
    Continue one moment at a time. And let the tears fall, it’s ok, it’s helpful.
    Sending you hugs! Robin
     
    AML likes this.
  18. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Aml, so sorry for your loss. These early months are unbearable. All your comments resonate. Please do be here for the company. I know my mind so sped up. Even to read or watch TV. My life I am sure like yours mostly work and her. Sure friends but those so many ours with our person. The list is long, heartbreak, tears, mental fog, concentration, but the missing is deep. You are doing busy. I wish COVID was not a second burdon. We all are coping but the beginning for me was. You are living it. Reach out to any here. We very much understand. I know this is ruff.

    Best to you and all of us.

    Paul m.
     
  19. AML

    AML Member

    Thank you all for the understanding and support. I go threw a million different thoughts and feelings about it all a day. Constant inner battle. Some moments it feels like yesterday reliving that day, and some hours it feels like it's been forever since I heard his voice and felt his hug and I go threw this all day long. I go round and round on waiting on him still to come home, and facing that he's not. I try to stay as busy as I can and still can't stop thinking and talking to him all day and all night. I wake up all night long just thinking & talking to him. and I do mean ALL night. back and forth of seeing his things is too hard and I can't imagine it not being all right where it belongs, right there where he left it. I go round and round in my head trying to understand, make sense and stay spiritual while also being angry because none of it does to me and I'm definitely at odds with the idea of gods plan right now, as we didn't have the same plan. And being a person of faith and spirituality that's a hard place to be while trying to find peace within my sadness. I just miss him, want him back, and don't know how to do this without him.
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I think we’re all stronger then we give ourselves credit for. You’re in terrible pain right now, and yes it lasts a while but slowly, parts of your old self start peeking out. Look at me, it’s been 18 months, I almost passed out when the doctor told me they couldn’t save Ron. My daughter screamed, it was just the 2 of us at the hospital. She screamed and couldn’t stop, I went silent and felt dizzy and felt myself falling, the doctor grabbed me. But, I’m still here today, I never I thought I could live on without Ron. I miss Ron every day, I talk to him and use knowledge I’ve learned from him. It’s too early for you to feel what I’m feeling, but although he’s not physically here. He is. He’s guiding me, eventually you’ll feel that. Yes, I cry often, I’m crying now actually. Because as I write this I’m realizing just how much Ron is helping me, from the wonderful life we lived and he’s apart of me.
    It’s ok to be angry at God, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m angry at God, I even get angry when I see happy couples walking hand in hand. How dare they? It’s just emotions coming out. We used to talk how we’d grow old together and hold hands forever.
    I’ve gone down the road of, poor me. Now there’s no enjoying retirement, no traveling that we saved up for. My life sucks! Then I think, no, poor Ron, his life was cut short, he didn’t get to live his dreams that we saved for. I’m here, suffering and been through a lot of pain. But I’m here to continue on as best I can. I never thought I was strong enough to live a day let alone 18 months. It takes time. And we never forget that wonderful part of us that’s missing.
    I had a terrible day yesterday, not sure what I was thinking but I went through cards Ron has given me. Huge mistake. Then someone messaged my daughter asking if her Dad was still doing upholstery. It was from a family acquaintance that didn’t know Ron passed. That made us both sick to our stomachs. But last night, I felt Ron with me, holding me and rubbing my back. Was it real, was it a dream. It going with real because it comforts me.
    Live one moment at a time, go ahead and feel angry, scream, whatever, do what your emotions tell you. And definitely keep posting, and reading. It’s so helpful.
    ❤️ Robin