Grief Self-Study Now Available! Visit Online Support section for more information

It gets worse as time passess...

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by affy, Sep 10, 2020.

Tags:
  1. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi All,

    My name is Tom and I lost my dad to suicide last year. I wanted to reach out to as many people as possible to understand how they grieve and how we can help each other. I lost my father in 2019 and it seems that things have gotten worse as time goes on. I find myself almost debilitated 2-3 days per week. If you're interested, please feel free to message me back.

    Thank you,
    Tom
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Tom,
    I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I understand how you’re feeling. I lost my husband to a sudden and massive heart attack. Gone from our wonderful life in 2 hours. It’s been 21 months. And I keep thinking, it’s been long enough, time to come home. I need to share so many things with him. You’re not alone in that thought.
    What helps me the most is staying busy, even little things to occupy my mind. On debilitating days, I push myself to get outside and breathe in fresh air, try to get my blood flowing. Plus visiting this site and reading other people’s stories and sharing your own, you learn you’re not alone and how you feel is normal.
    You’ve lost a very important person in your life, take care of you. This journey is long and bumpy but people here get it.
    Robin
     
    glego likes this.
  3. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi Robin,

    Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry for the sudden loss of your husband, I can't imagine what that feels like. I've been trying to keep busy as that's the only thing that keeps my mind off of it but once I have that free time, whether its in the mornings getting ready for work or settling down and getting ready for bed, those overwhelming feelings of sadness, confusion and even anger just take over my mind. I wish I knew how to take better care of myself and process this loss but it's such a roadblock for me. Is there anything that you do to help put your mind at ease when those feelings overcome you?

    Tom
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    Thank you! It’s debilitating. Nothing in my life is the same. We owned a business together and worked together and then together on weekends. I had to close our business and now I’m retired. There’s no work to go to to occupy my mind and time. I miss our schedule, I miss everything, not one thing is like the life we had. I know exactly what you speak of, I know the feeling the torture, the anger. I get it and others here do too.
    Afraid there’s no magic way to help us through that. But I know people have found inspirational music to help them or put tv on as a distraction. Neither of those helped me personally, but everyone is different. It might help you. It has taken me a long time to be able to listen to music, I can now but it’s not always a peaceful outcome. Tv, Ron watched tv all the time, if he was home the tv was on. So I’m dealing with some guilt there, I shouldn’t watch if he can’t, type of thing. I watch in the evening and sometimes it stays on all night. There’s so much loneliness. But I did find that breathing exercises helped me. Here’s a link that shows you and describes how to do it. I find it helpful, not everyone does. But worth a try.
    https://www.anxietycoach.com/breathingexercise.html
    Do you have siblings going through the loss too? Or your Mom? Someone to talk to who understands. I have my daughter, in fact she moved in with me for quite a while and we’d support each other. Cry, be angry, sad, whatever. Just get some of the angst out. Crying is very therapeutic, or verbalizing your feelings. I don’t know if I’ve offered any help but I’ve given you a few things to try. I found this site 11 months after my husband passed and that’s when I started to feel some better. Talking with people who understand is kind of like a warm hug.
    Your Dad, my husband and everyone else’s loved one want us to push forward, they don’t want us suffering even though it’s inevitable. We can’t touch them but they’re with us forever. We need to make them proud and push forward as best we can. It’s hard.
     
    sewellae and JMD like this.
  5. affy

    affy New Member

    Hi Robin,

    Thanks for that information, I will definitely check it out and give it a try. I do have siblings and my mom to talk to about the loss but its all so different for us and I sometimes find it hard to talk to them in fear it will trigger them. But I have moved back in with my mom so that we can support each other and I've found that being together is helping us both.

    At the end of the day I know that I have to be resilient and turn this pain into strength but its so hard to do.

    Thanks again for sharing and for being so helpful.

    Tom
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    I think it’s a good plan to be together. Having support is huge! I know you’re each dealing in your own ways, and your loss is different. But if your Dad and the loss of him is on your mind continually, it’s most definitely on your Mom’s mind. He’s never out of her thoughts. Talking and sharing and crying are all part of the healing process. Let the crying happen and definitely talk about him. Talking is so important. He wasn’t well and it’s sad he didn’t choose a different path, one that may have helped him heal or get past his demons. He didn’t want to hurt any of his family, he couldn’t help himself.
    You’re right it’s very hard to go down this path, you know doesn’t want you in this pain. Use him as your strength to keep going.
     
  7. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

    It's been four years since I lost my husband and I agree that the grief doesn't end, it changes. I perceive it as worse because his death became a comfortable constant in my life, especially when suffering in silence, as I tend to do instead of reaching out. I find that many don't understand the array of emotions that hits a survivor when their loved one leaves by choice. It can range from sadness, to anger, to guilt and regret, in no particular order. Also, when asked my marital status, people naturally ask how he passed, and the conversatiom ends when I do share my husband's cause of death. I understand many have no clue what to say next and I understand it, but what they don't understand is how therapeutic it can be to talk about it with another person, even if it dredges up old memories. I feel your pain and pray you find some peace, even if it's fleeting. Maybe it will fill you with hope that the next time you find peace, it will last longer and continue to do so!
     
  8. Mammawx4

    Mammawx4 New Member

    Hi Tom. I lost my husband of 25 years to suicide in July if 2019. The pain is unimaginable. I go days at a time without any relief from the feelings of guilt and loss and anger. During these times, I have to remind myself to breathe when the pain in my chest gets so bad that I realize I haven’t taken a breath. And you know what, Tom? That’s okay. It’s okay to feel this way. You will grieve in your own way, on your own timeline. The best thing to do? Allow it to happen. Feel the pain and anger and guilt. And know that you will come out the other end. That’s the secret-always keep in mind that you will come out the other side. No matter how bad it gets, no natter for how long, you WILL come out the other side. And slowly, those times will be less often, for shorter periods. It is not your fault, nor your mother’s , nor your sibling’s. If your dad was unhappy with his family, he would have gotten a divorce and moved away. He did not do this because of any of you. His internal pain was just so great that he felt this was the only way to end it. He must have been very loved for you to be hurting this badly. That says a lot about him as a man. You will keep his memory alive. Stay well and keep loving him.
     
  9. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

    I also lost my husband of 25 years unexpectedly. I tried to be strong for my children..now grown, using it as a. Excuse not to deal with it. Only last week, which is four years later did I finally spread his ashes and set jmhim free. Living in the comfort of anger, guilt, shame and his death became way too comfortable for me. I also threw myself into my education to avoid truly grieving. Im finally beginning to ignore all the negative thoughts that constantly run through my head and need to find myself. I had become codependent and my mood was appropriate only if my husband shared that mood when we were in public. I became reclusive because I don't know who I am as a person standing alone at a gathering. I'm forcing myself to socialize until I'm comfortable in my own skin again. Prayers for baby steps. There are no rules...it's in your time! Find relaxing hobbies where you can go to think and find yourself. Tears aren't a sign of weakness. They can be healing,!! Prayers, my friend!!
     
  10. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    Hi, Tom. I'm Anne. I'm brand new to this group. I have had a very tough time in the last year. I was diagnosed with cancer, lost an eye to infection, became septic and went into kidney failure from strong antibiotics, had surgery to clean out the remaining infection, then two days later, my youngest daughter, who had chosen to be estranged from me committed suicide. I am alone in the country had no one even calls to check on me. My siblings and other children are busy with their own families. I have been giving myself projects to do around the house, which has at least kept me functioning. But for three days last week, I just couldn't get it off bed. I didn't even eat. I have been through multiple other losses in my life including my first baby, then my mom died suddenly when I was twenty nine. Within 60 days of losing my mom, my husband and I split up and I had emergency surgery. I raised my for kids as a single mom. And, as I said to start with, my youngest daughter committed suicide August 16. I'm struggling to cope the best I can. What else can I do?
     
  11. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    Hi, Tom. A suicide is such a heavy, difficult loss. If the person we lost had known how hard this would be for us, I believe they would be truly sorrowful for our pain. They had lost all hope and saw this as the only way out. It will take time for your heart and mind to process this difficult loss. Be patient with yourself. Don't give up and don't lose hope that you will start doing better. Grieving is very hard work, as you know, and it is not a quick process. We are here to support you.
    When my friend lost her husband, she played praise songs in the night so she wouldn't be afraid. And she recorded Bible verses in her own voice to listen to. This was a help to her, but as someone said, we all go about our grieving in different ways. There is no right way. Whatever comforts you and helps you is the right way for you.
    We care about you.
    Chris
     
  12. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    You are so right, Chris. I understand all to well that people who commit suicide have lost all hope and truly believe (falsely, of course) that no one will even miss them.

    Having suffered from serious depression myself for years which led me to try to take my own life, I know this firsthand.

    I have a hard time dealing with people who don't understand how much agony someone is in when they commit suicide. I've had people say to me that suicide is just selfish.

    I always try to explain that when you're so deep in what I call the black pit of depression, the mental and emotional pain is literally unbearable. You honestly believe that no one will miss you.

    Unfortunately, as we all know, that is actually a very sad delusion. But I agree with Chris in knowing if our children had known how much we love them and how difficult it is to deal with the grief of our losses, they never would have done it.

    It is very strange to be both the one who has tried to commit suicide and the survivor of a daughter who actually did. I get it from each perspective.

    Love to all.
    Anne
     
  13. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    You are right about people not understanding how much agony they are in. Only someone who has spent some quality time with that person realizes the torment they deal with day to day. I tried to spend every minute I could with my son because I knew I could lose him any minute. The neurologist was no help at all. I asked her in the beginning if Shawn should see a psychiatrist. Her response was, "No. I can do anything they can." And like a fool I believed her. Then on Shawn's last night when he was so agitated we called her 3 times begging for some help. She said there was nothing she could do. We would have to call someone else. She even accused Shawn of being manipulative. I hope she has gotten a heart since that time.
    Chris
     
  14. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    Oh, Chris, I am so sorry. What a horrific experience. There are not words to describe what I'm feeling for you right now. I honestly believe the neurologist you were dealing with was guilty of malpractice. Period. That is horrible. If she has not been able to realize her shortfalling in your situation, she is dangerous to the point that she should lose her medical license to practise. Period.
     
  15. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    We tried to bring a lawsuit, but the lawyer couldn't get any doctors to testify against her, even though he felt she was in the wrong. Also when I went to her office to get the records she threatened to call the police to coome remove me. I sat in the waiting room watching for the police. She never called. Finally when everyone was gone she agreed to give me a copy of his records. Only problem was she refused to give me the notes from his last visit. Just today while thinking about this, I realized I probably could have had a lawyer get them for me, but I didn't think of it at the time.
     
  16. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    My husband got his gun out and was ready to go shoot her. It's all water under the bridge now. Only God has held me up, and healed me much over time. I don't hold anything against the Dr. because Jesus forgave me so I must forgive also.
     
  17. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    thank you, Anne. You are a great support to many people.
     
  18. Txanne

    Txanne Member

    Isn't it true that the most difficult part of the Lord's prayer is, "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Sounds so simple, but is next to impossible for most of us to do.
     
  19. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    It is impossible for us to do without God's help. His love is so much bigger than ours. He even loves us when we don't 'measure up'!
     
  20. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    Dear Anne, Shawn left us a note that he had been angry with people so many times, but he did not have anything in his heart against anyone at the end. That was such a help to me because I blamed someone in our family for Shawn's death. What a struggle it was overcoming that. I fought hard, God helped me, and with time I was able to let it go. I knew if I ever wanted to see Shawn again I would have to forgive. The assistant principal even came into my room and without knowing much of anything about the situation said, "You know what this is about, don't you?" I said no. He said it is about forgiveness. And do God worked the miracle of forgiveness in my life.
    I love you.
    Chris