It’s been years, shouldn’t I be over it?

Short answer. No. Grieving a loved one lost to suicide doesn’t get you back to who you were before. Depending on how close you were to the one you lost, grieving might be like losing your appendix - having a scar but basically back to living your life after recuperating, or it can be like losing an arm - fundamentally and forever changing you. Even with a prosthetic arm you will never be the same. People will look at you differently, you will look at everything differently.

Your friends might buy you a book or recommend a grief workshop and expect you to get “fixed.” They are people who are used to solving things, they don’t do well with feelings. They might make you feel like a failure. But you cannot “fail” grief. Everyone will react differently to a loss. My husband, my youngest son, and myself all grieved very, very differently to my oldest son’s suicide. In some ways my husband is just now getting to his feelings in more depth. He had work to focus on but now he is retiring. It has been 14 years but he has suddenly become more tearful as he reminisces about his son.

So, everyone give yourselves all the love, patience, nurturing, and time you need. You cannot bring them back, you cannot change what you said or did. Your only power is in how you choose to respond to your loss.

Blessings on your journey.

 

No, there is no time to "get over it". At first I thought I could 'pull myself up by my bootstraps' so to speak, as I had always done with God's assistance, until this happened. I knew no one could help me but God, but I would have to be patient and just wait-so hard. I didn't think I could ever function again, but I am 20 years down the road. I am functioning to my amazement. We will never be the same person. We are different now. We have suffered a disastrous, serious tragedy. Try to be easy on yourself, take care of yourself, and do what will help you go on. We will never stop missing them and wishing they were here.