Is my pain fair?

I lost my aunt in May of this year so fairly recently. She's been sick ever since I was born. She was only 16 years older than I am and she was the cool aunt. My most prominent memories memories of her have been in the hospital where shed be more often than not. About three years ago she moved away ot live with her new husband in a state that offered better healthcare than here. My grandma moved with her to help take care of her. To say my aunt suffered is a major understatement. In the past she had been cheated on, denied treatment, and lived in constant pain yet she was always so happy. Always smiling, always demanding trips together, always spoiling me and joking with me. I would visit her every summer, every winter break, every thanksgiving break to help. I thought that I had found my purpose in her. I thought the sickness would pass. I thought that because she was so faithful God would answer our prayers. I thought she'd be okay. I thought she'd stay. But she died. And I feel like I have no right to grieve. She was someone wife, daughter, and sister so what right do I have to mourn? I can't sleep and I'm just so mad at how the world continues to move regardless of who suffers. I am a religious person and am very active in my church but I hate it when people tell me to be ok and that i have to understand that it was God's will. I just can't understand how. I can't stop being sad. Nobody knows how to deal with my sadness and my friends try having fun with me but I feel like I've lost my purpose in life. I miss my aunt. She's the reason I am going to medical school. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom cries everytime shes with me because I both resemble and act like my aunt. I feel guilty for existing when she doesn't get to

 

YOU have a right too. She loved you and she meant the world to you. From what I have experienced now is the time to refund your faith. God never gives more than he thinks a person can handle. It took me a very long time to realize that. Be sad cry, laugh. But please remember to NEVER stop living. Putting your life on hold after such a loved one dies will destroy you. So will the guilt. It took me almost losing my marriage to see that. Talk to your aunt. Ask her to help you carry on living the life she would want to see you live. Ask her to forgive you even though you did nothing wrong I promise it will help ease the pain. And please reach out and talk. To internet groups, friends, family, anonymous chats. It helps to start ease the pain! I pray that you find the inner peace you need to begin healing. Just remember it doesn't happen overnight! ❤

 

What an honor...going to medical school because of your Aunt. What a wonderful way to give back. She will always be with you and you have a right to grieve. You knew her your whole life and you loved her. Who decides who can grieve? Does the length and depth of your grief equate with how much you loved her? Of course not! Count your blessing because of the privilege of knowing her. Honor her memory by speaking about her.