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In Shock and Scared of what comes next

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by RecentlyLost9672, Jun 8, 2021.

  1. I recently lost my wife of 25 years (would have been 26 - she died 3 days before out anniversary). It was totally unexpected. She had back issues and had been in pain but not a fatal disease. She died of a pulmonary embolism. I had actually come home from work early to take her to her back doctor and she collapsed walking to the car. The ambulance came and she seemed OK but it just spiraled out of control and an hour later I had lost my wife and my best friend. WE had/have 6 kids and it was really just the 8 of us against the world. While I do have work friends and acquaintances I am really now ALL alone except for my kids. At least they are older - 16 to 22. SO it helps having them around - mostly because I can focus on helping them and not thinking about the fact that I am now alone. I have been so busy with funeral and insurance and her work and all the stuff and then family in town that I think I am still in shock and a little disbelief.

    But things are starting to settle back down and now I am scared. We were both going to be able to retire from teaching in 3 years and we had so many plans. We were putting our house on the market this month so we could take advantage of the crazy real estate thing going on and make extra money to buy our retirement house. One that was smaller with some land since we wouldn't need such a big house with the 6 kids slowly moving out.

    Now I just see me slowing losing my kids and becoming more and more alone. I am truly LOST. Not sure what to do with the rest of my life or where it will lead me. I know I can't make those decisions now and I have to let time go by and slowly transition to my "new" life. I have cancelled the house sale for now but not sure finances will let me keep it even if I wanted to.

    I find myself just sitting a lot. Staring blankly. I really struggle at night going to bed. She would snuggle up every night with her cold hands and feet and body (we slept naked) and rub up on me. Now it is just empty. I fantasize about having someone/anyone there for that feel of human touch but then I feel guilty because I am thinking of another. THIS SUCKS! And this is just the beginning. People have told me it gets worse once the disbelief and shock wear off.

    Not sure what I am looking for or hoping to get by coming to this site but I think just writing all this down helps and reading some of the forum posts has also helped. I think it might be nice to find a few people to chat with who understand what I/we are going through but also who are basically anonymous strangers so they don't feel they have to protect me or worry about me and we can have real conversations.

    I am truly sorry for all of you on this site who are in this same boat with me. While death is a part of life, it is not a part that we the living will ever understand. God Bless and I truly wish you (and me) peace and love today, tomorrow and as we move forward in life.

    Mike
     
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Although words are just so inadequate at times like this, I'm truly sorry for your loss... My husband passed away on April 11, 2021. He was the love of my life, my best friend, my "person." It's a long story, but because of his illness, he couldn't continue working, was out on disability, forced into retirement. I became his full time caregiver. All of our future plans and dreams were shattered. I also feel alone, scared, and not sure of who I am without my husband. I feel like my heart has been torn in half. I know it won't make you feel any better, but I think I understand some of what you're going through. I know it's hard, but try to take good care of yourself. I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight... DEB321
     
  3. Thanks for the kind words Deb. I am also truly sorry for you loss. I know nothing anyone says or does can really fix any of this but it is nice to be able to share and support and feel supported.
     
  4. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Active Member

    I am so sorry for your loss - I understand how bad the pain is - I am living it every day - It has been almost 5 months since I suddenly lost my husband. We also had 6 children although mine are older. They are a great comfort to me but I have to remind myself that they are also grieving. Don’t be so hard on yourself - your feelings are totally normal but you will get through this - I try to take just one day at a time and pray every morning that God will give me the strength to get through today. I can’t say the pain is less but I think I am coping better. Again, so sorry - take care of yourself.
     
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I'm glad I found this site too. I'm usually a very private person and wasn't sure if I should join this group, but in the short time I've been here, I'm glad I got brave enough to post.
     
  6. Susan, I agree it is hard and it is hard to remember that other people lost her as well. I know it helps that my kids are around me and that they are at least older and can talk with me about it. I know it helps me to have to be strong for them. They give me purpose and seeing them is seeing her. They have been great. Very helpful and supportive. We have had good talks and good laughs remembering Mom - M Bear.

    I talk with her everyday and I think it helps. It does help writing on here and reading responses from you and others. I think its like you said, day by day, one day at a time. I know I will never stop loving her or missing her but I am just hoping I can have a life somehow without her. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing for you peace and good memories.
     
  7. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    your feeling of being scared of what comes next resonates with me so much
    this was my worst fear and it came true
    imagine that im holding your hand........
     
  8. Thank you, Susan.
     
    susan beaulieu likes this.
  9. Montoya

    Montoya New Member

     
  10. Montoya

    Montoya New Member

    Mike,
    I totally feeling your pain, I feel like i'm going crazy with sadness and grief. I lost my husband of 40 years on 06.8.21
    Everything you mentioned I am feeling. I stumbled on this site because I wanted to know if what I am feeling is okay. Jus t so scared to move forward without him. He was my best friend.
     
  11. Montoya,
    I am truly sorry for you loss. It has been just a month and I think I am still in shock and disbelief. Some days aren't terrible. Mainly because I am so busy with all the things and with my kids. Father's day was hard. The kids were great. They made me cry. Tomorrow is her birthday so that is going to be hard. Not sure if it really ever gets better but life for everyone around me hasn't stopped and I can't really stop either. We were just at the age where kids were starting to move on and we were making future life plans. That is the scariest and loneliest part. What do I do without her for the next 20 to 30 years. She was my whole life and my whole future.

    I hope you find peace and that you have people around you to help.