I'm really struggling.

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by AutumnB, Jul 24, 2020.

  1. AutumnB

    AutumnB New Member

    My name is Autumn. I lost my grandmother back in October of 2019. I am really struggling to cope and accept that she is gone. She was like a mother to me, more than anyone. We talked everyday and she was also there for me no matter what. I miss her so much some days that I just don't know how to let it all out. She was only 63 and it shouldn't have been her time to go. We talked every day, multiple times a day. I still wake up some days and think about calling her, before I realize that I can't do that anymore. I have dealt with some loss before this but not anyone that I've been really close to. Her passing was a very big roller coaster. Belinda was her name, but I called her Mamaw. When she was taken to the hospital, she had areas of her intestines that were blocked off, so they tried pushing fluids to her, and we all thought she would be fine. Then, it didn't work and she had to be taken to another hospital with more capabilities. From there she had to go into surgery in which the odds weren't looking super great, but our family still had hope she would make it. After her surgery she seemed to be doing alright, and we knew it would be a long road ahead of us if she did pull through. Then we were to have a family meeting with palliative care, and make the decisions we wanted. The decisions that we thought she would want were made, even though they broke our hearts. If we respected her wishes, and something went horribly wrong, doctors wouldn't be able to do much to intervene. The day after we had the meeting, Mamaw was talking to us and I feel very blessed that we got that last day. I got to tell her how much I loved her and hear her tell me she loved me. Mamaw talked to my girls that day, which is the last time they ever got to speak to her. Later that night, we got a call that she wasn't doing well, and they had to give her some supportive oxygen. Her body was giving up on us. All of the family that could be there soon enough gathered with her. We had to not be selfish and let her go. We all stood there with her and surrounded her with our love while she passed. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done, but I don't regret being with her in the time she needed me most. If you read all of this, thank you very much. What do you do with all your grief? I feel like its going to explode out of my body when I have nowhere to release it, if that makes sense to anyone. Anyways, thank you again if you read all this. I appreciate it.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Autumn,
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Your story brings tears to my eyes, I can feel the closeness you had with her and how much you miss her. She is too young to be gone, I lost my husband to a sudden and massive heart attack. He was also 63, and I think every day, how could someone so healthy and only 63 be gone. We were together 44 years and married 41 years, we were together 24/7, owned and operated our business together. That was 20 months ago, I miss him every minute of every day.
    How do you move forward? One day at a time, baby steps. I use the love we had and our beautiful life as my inspiration to move forward. I still want to make him proud, and I believe I have. Use the love you shared with your grandmother in a positive light. I know it can be hard, she is with you forever. She was a huge part of your life, and she helped make you the person you are today. Talk about your grandmother and how you’re feeling. This site is great for that. Read and share stories, it’s very helpful. Visit this site often. It has been a great help to me. Talking with people who understand your pain feels comforting. Don’t push yourself to do things if you’re not up to it. Hold your children tight and keep them close. Your grandmother wants you to be ok and do your best to live life.
    It’s so hard to watch a loved one pass on, but you were strong and there for her. In time all your memories with her will make you smile even if right now they make you cry. It’s because of the special bond you shared.
    Take care of you. Sending you hugs!