It's been 3 months since my husband, Jack passed from cancer. I've been keeping busy with bills, finances, property clean up but I'm falling backwards. I'm 76 so going back to work won't help. I'm hopelessly becoming recluse in my home not wanting to leave. I don't eat regularly. I'm craving sugar. I go to bed at 7:30 wait up at 8:30AM. Can't sleep through he night. I don't cook. I have lots of support, but something is happening to me. I seemed to get through the first three months reading, journal, forum, etc. then I changed. I just feel the grief is getting worse, taking over and I can't do anything about it, nothing works. Does anyone have any thoughts why I'm going downhill backwards? Half of me is lost and it scares me, but on the other side I really don't give a darn.
Hi cjpines, I don't know why you are going downhill but I'm feel very similar. My husband passed away 4 months ago and my yearning to be with him grows stronger with each passing day. I'm more mournful with each passing day as well.
I am so sincerely sorry for your loss. I know that the horrible pain that you're enduring seems never ending, and in truth, the gaping hole you feel in your soul will never heal. You will just learn to co-exist. It will be two years in October since the love of my life and wife Janet, passed from brain cancer. I still mourn her loss with every breath I take, and, with tears daily. The wound has never healed, just diverted via the help of my dear hospice grief counselor, Joanie. She suggested that by keeping my mind productive outside the arena of my loss would help the time to less painfully pass, and I should welcome the tears that often come unbidden and I should rejoice in the knowledge that God gave me (and you) this marvelous gift of love. ( how lucky I am to have been so blessed). I managed to exist via music and the written word, and that has provided me with a refuge from the agonizing storm of loss. Every day I learn something from Janet (still). I ask "what would Janet want me to do"? (In this instance) You are in my prayers Bill
Tomorrow these words will start the journey of turning into a song. Recording work commences Monday. Affirmation Bill Lathrop (2020) When I watched you die, I found it was OK to cry, but I didn’t understand why, I am here, alive and breathing, when it was you, and not me, who was leaving. I just could not fathom why… you would die… and not… I. (Repeat as CHORUS) Am I singing the right notes? Am I spending the right words? Are you truly here with me, or is this all just for the birds? I know in my heart you are real…that is why I can feel you within me, like…unbending steel. You are my affirmation… you… are my light at the close of day…You are my reason for living...You are why I chose to stay. You are my guide for what follows, And, whether right or wrong… you are my only reason for writing this song. You inspired empathy within me. You are the root of compassion in my life… And…now and forever… you will be my beacon against strife. You ARE my Affirmation, my cause for moving on…. until we reach that point where all fear is gone, and we can journey to what comes next, and we wait in a heavenly oasis until Heaven sends us…to what may be …our… final test. When I watched you die, I found it was OK to cry, but I didn’t understand why, I am here… alive and breathing, when it was you, and not me, who was leaving. I just could not fathom why… you would die… and not… I.
So very sorry for your loss. I'm at 9 months since my husband passed. I can tell you that the first 3 months were a complete fog for me, I was still in shock, and quite honestly the next 3 months were also a fog. I felt as if I was just a robot mechanically doing what a human would do: eat, answer the phone/text/door to make sure people knew I was ok and still here. I did have things that kept me busy so our situations are not exactly the same but grief is similar. I believe the first few months are just a blur/fog where you're not really able to understand everything that happened. The shock of your husband not being with you is a life changing trauma so give yourself permission to feel like you do. I would not say you're falling backwards but perhaps reality is pushing through the fog. This is a really hard thing to go through, losing your spouse. There's nothing that can make it easy, I'm so sorry to say. But I can tell you that at 9 months in it's different, not as raw if that helps. I still can't sleep through the night. I fall asleep easy enough but as soon as I wake I'm painfully aware my husband isn't there so I've gotten into the habit of watching movies in the middle of the night which is not a good solution but at least it stops my mind from thinking and talking to myself. I did not eat regularly and ordered a lot of take out for the first 6 months, didn't care about eating just knew I had to. I think what you're going through is normal, grief is hard, please know you're not alone. The one thing I did that seemed to help me was take walks, that might be hard this time of year but forcing myself out of the house and into fresh air was a huge help.
[QUOTE="cjpines, post: 16388, member: 19940 So sorry for your pain. I don't see you as going backwards. I see it as your gradually being able to accept the truth of what has happened. God has created us at the first to take this tragedy in slowly, piece by piece. I don't believe we could bear up under the entire heavy load of this grief if we had to take it all in at once. What you are experiencing is a normal grief response. Feeling like you really don't care about anything is also common. I still have trouble with this area of my life. Can't seem to get excited or interested in much of anything. God is my saving grace. I do care about him.
