I'm completely lost without him.

My husband Mike passed away on November 9th of this year. Totally and completely unexpected. He had a stroke which caused a brain bleed. We have been married 30 years. Just teenagers when we got married. We have 6 children. This is the first time in my life I have been alone. I'm scared and totally lost as to what to do next. I don't know how to continue without him. He is the love of my life. I'm all alone and have no idea what to do.

 

I’m so sorry to hear about your horrible tragedy. There are no words that can ease the terrible pain that you’re experiencing. You have come to the right place to express your feelings, and find some relief from your pain. After all is said, there is no easy fix. It’s a matter of getting through a minute and then five minutes, then an hour and so on. Don’t expect most people to understand what you are going through. They can’t. Unless you have experienced this horrible horrible pain there is no way anyone can understand. Don’t hesitate to talk to the people on this site. They all understand what you’re going through and want to help. Since participating in this forum I have made forever friends, and they’ve helped me immensely. Again, I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this horrible pain and I hope you can find some peace and love among these wonderful, caring and loving people.

Bill

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and the time you took to read my post. I am looking forward to communicating with other people that are experiencing the same thing I am. I'm hoping my time spent hear will help ease the need I have to talk and reach out to someone who understands.

 

There are some very helpful people here who have been extremely insightful and caring. Robin and David to mention a couple. Robin and I have become particularly close, and David has shared his love of music with us.
Reach out. Everyone wants to help, because I’m so doing they help themselves to start healing. A two way street.

Bill

 

Bethtaylor9872

Words alone can't speak to the intensity of your pain. I am so very sorry for your most significant loss and having to move forward in life without the one you shared your life with for so long.

I realize each day for you must be very hard to wake up and face, even with children around. Those nights can echo the emptiness we all share alone. But I want you to realize that even though Mike is no longer with you, just thinking about him, are having a conversation with him is normal at this point.

Even after almost five years for me, I talk to my late wife Nadine daily, it has become a natural thing for me. I am sure your children must almost feel very bad as well, for I know when I lost my father while going to school one day, my actions were erratic and it felt so hopeless. I found that it was hard to share this loss with my schoolmates in college because words are almost impossible to find at times.

When I would go home after school, even having a wife and two sons around me, that loss I now felt of my dad no longer with me was almost unbearable at times. You never realize how much a person comes to mean to you until they are no longer around.

Both you and your children will go through a gamut of feelings, again that unfortunately is part of the process of healing from grief. There is no rulebook on what you should do, but just realize that there is nothing wrong to cry anytime you need to, and speak of him, no matter who listens, for you are speaking from your heart, and crying out for the one who meant so much for you.

As we each go through life, life and loss will be one of the hardest tests of our human spirit we will face. I and the people at the this site are great listeners so to speak, inspiring you on to not give up on life, but also not to ever think you need to forget and move on.

You will find that words for you might be hard to come by to convey to others how bad you feel, how closed off you think you are and how do you move forward. There are no wrong steps. How you choose to grieve and how you wish to talk to another is just who you are becoming.

Even though we can't see tomorrow, we can each at least make our own path within limits, and it is not going to be painless. Your feelings might be all over the place from one day to the next. There is nothing wrong with that as you are using your coping mechanism.

Just remember, you are not alone. Personally I have found music to be a coping tool for me. I can find music (from all music ever created) that fits my feelings as I might face the day, or as I remember a moment in time from my past with my loved one, or even with the entire family. The worst part is time of year can make a passing even harder to bear.

Just take each day your way, and please don't ever feel ashamed to feel, to cry, to hug someone for no reason it might seem to them, for all you are doing is walking forward into an unknown. I myself, being a Roman Catholic have prayed to God each and every day. I am not saying that is necessary, all I am saying is that helps me, and does not mean you also need to be religious in nature to move forward. What I am saying is, I work through my own grief this way, you too will also find your own personal ways to cope on a day to day basis. No steps you take are wrong.

For now, coming here and sharing your loss was your first step towards dealing with your grief. Get as much rest as you feel your body is asking for, but also please do not give into depression. If you start feeling lost, reach out for a hand, others who care will in turn grab it and feel the loss with you. God Bless.

 

Beth, I am very sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain in your post. I know exactly how and what you’re feeling. And it’s not a good place to be in. I also lost my soul mate totally unexpected, he had a massive heart attack I lost him in 2 hours! So hard to wrap your mind around and there were no signs leading up to this. He seemed healthy. So I totally get how you’re feeling. And the fact there’s no one offering support only makes things things worse. I barely had support from from a couple weeks in, I started to think is it me, did everyone care for my husband but not me. But that’s not it, people who haven’t had such a loss just don’t understand. I lost my husband 11/17/18, I’ve made it past the year mark and wonder how did I do it. I feel I’ve lived in a fog for the most part and by myself, I have 2 children my daughter lives close and we support each other daily. My son is in Florida but he supports me as well but obviously he’s not here in person. My heart aches for you because I absolutely know exactly how you feel. I’m afraid I still have that, how do I go forward what do I do next feeling. Ron does these things I don’t even know how to do certain things and don’t want to. There’s still a lot of struggles that I deal with each day with very little support. Do your best to take care of you, try to get some rest try to eat, my son pushed me to get out of the house each day even if it’s just for a very short time. The fresh air helps even though it feels wrong to go out. I still have trouble sleeping and I’ve lost a lot of weight. I eventually reached out to my brother, he was supportive at first then dropped me like I had the plague. He said he thought he was giving me space. I told him, please be available I need contact I need people I’m alone way too much and I don’t need space. He understood and has been better, he was always my closest sibling and I’m thankful he was open to what I said. Ron and I hosted every single holiday for as many years as I can recall with my brother coming every single year. He chose not to come this Christmas or last Easter, that was very painful for me. I mention these things so you can see that it’s not just you losing support it’s happening to all of us. And it feels horrible and very lonely. But the people here on this site all get it, know what it feels like and want to help. As we reach out it actually feels good to do our best to help others.
Beth, don’t be hard on yourself, let your feeling flow. My daughter and I made a list of things we needed to do and at the beginning we tried to do just one thing, once we conquered that we’d go for the next. Ron and I owned and operated an upholstery shop, I had to empty the shop and close its doors, that set me back a lot. I’d walk in the shop and do nothing but cry and have to leave. I didn’t want to touch his things or move them from where he put things down. Closing our business was the most difficult thing. And losing your husband and your business is not something people understand at all.
As Bill mentioned, one day one hour or one minute at a time. Early on I tended to do pretty much nothing, sit, pace, cry, as time passed I realized if I tried to stay busy my mental health felt stronger. And by busy I mean little things to start, doing dishes, walking out to get the mail, walking the dog. Start small.
Everyone on this site is here to help you and support you in the best way we can. I hope I’ve touched upon a few things that you find helpful and you can know I am here for you as are many other people on this site.
I’m thinking and praying for you. Robin

 

David,thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you said to me in your reply. I have been nothing but a bundle of nerves since this flood of misery and heartbreak was unleashed on me. I don't know know what to say let alone how to act. I'm miserable. No sleep, no eating, I will try to eat because I realize my body needs the nutrition but it always comes right back up. Right now I'm surviving minute by minute. That's all I can do. Again,thank you so very much and I'm looking forward to getting to know all the wonderful people here.

 

I lost my heart the night u wrote this .
My bff died this night and was found dead in the morning the next day....
N every thing u r saying is my pain... I love him and his family. My son and I were treated like a part of a family to them and it felt so good to know that.. n my son is autistic and ADHD.. has no interest in his real father.. he called him by his 1st name and the step dad.. as his real dad. he was bff w my son as well.. it was such a fucking reality check to wake up to a world where he is not here. My heart has never hurt so much n my mind wants to keep lieing to me and trying to make me feel like he is going to come home through the door....
Its a cruel hurt at night when I know he isn't there to protect us.. I don't know how to make it better. I hurt beyond words and I keep pushing forward... I'm a shell of who I was w him my other half is w him and he was the reason I laughed

 

Hi Mandy it's HELL living through this and in a world where that person no longer exists. I know it's been 2 1/2 months since my husband passed away and I still look up expecting to see his smiling face right there. I have no answers for you and no ways to make you feel better but I am here. I will listen and be happy to talk to you at anytime.

 

I am so sorry Mandy and Beth for your losses. I’m sorry for all the pain you’re feeling. Wish I could make it go away. I know the pain you’re feeling, I lost my husband 11/17/18, like both of you, I hate my new life. He suffered a massive heart attack, in 2 hours I lost the love of my life. Nothing prepares you for this and it’s definitely a scary lonely road. The first few months I felt paralyzed, scared, wasn’t eating or sleeping. I can now navigate and I’m eating, sleep is still coming hard. Nights and weekends I feel the worst. But I’m in a little better shape then I was. It still takes next to nothing to set me off and support disappears pretty fast. Take any support offered. I didn’t, thinking people would keep asking, but sadly they don’t. I’ve found that staying as busy as possible helps me. I’m still living day to day, you should do the same. Hour by hour, minute by minute, whatever it takes. Don’t push yourselves too hard, take it easy on yourselves.
This site has been a godsend to me, it took quite a while before people started answering me but they did, it felt so good. Every single person on this site is experiencing the same God awful feelings you are. Knowing you’re not alone is so helpful.
Be good to yourselves, take time to do whatever might need doing, most things can wait.
Take Care! Robin

 

I lost my partner to a tragic motorcycle accident. That one phone call and one person not paying attention changed my whole life. It's been 5 months and I feel like somedays I have control and other days I am headed back down. I am new to this site. I am so sorry for your loss. I am also at a point in my life where I don't know where to turn or if I will ever over come this time in my life. Anyone who would like to chat please feel free to message me.

 

I am so sorry! This is a horrible new life we’re trying to navigate. It feels impossible. I can’t imagine that phone call, my heart breaks for you. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack no health issues no previous signs, nothing. I know exactly how you’re feeling and it’s awful. Everyone on this site know what this feels like. It’s lonely and scary for sure.
My best advice to you is to take one day at a time, don’t push yourself too hard. Take any help offered. This site has been a big help to me, people on here know what you’re experiencing, we know how horrible you’re feeling and know life feels terrible. I lost my husband 11/17/18 and I’m still trying to figure things out, I don’t think I’ll ever feel the happiness I had again or feel anything like I used to feel. Everything feels impossible. Everyone on here is here for support and offering support. Take care of yourself and take things slow. So sorry for your loss.