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I Tried....But Not Hard Enough

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by CoryW, May 26, 2021.

  1. CoryW

    CoryW New Member

    My life, my joy died 28 months ago. It is my fault she died. I didn't do enough, I didn't try hard enough, I LET HER DIE!!! Why didn't I get a third, fourth, fifth opinion? I should have fought harder for her. It is my fault she died....I let her down thereby making my own life a living nightmare.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Cory I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. It’s obvious how much you love your wife, you didn’t let her go. You did everything in your power to help her. I lost my husband very suddenly. Sitting with me watching tv and 2 hours later he was gone from my life forever. Sudden and massive heart attack. I dealt with guilt, did I miss signs, it had to be my fault, was God punishing me for something I did. So many questions. But hind sight is 20/20. I didn’t miss signs, he was healthy and I stopped making it about me and God punishing me. Ron lost his life, I’m still here. And the survivors guilt kicks in. I don’t go down that path now. I honor the wonderful man I married in everything I do. Today is the anniversary of our meeting 47 years ago, on the corner our home is on. And I feel his presence with me, helping me have the strength to get through another day. What would be our 44th wedding anniversary is June 4. And we just passed the 2 1/2 year mark of his passing. It’s been rough for sure. But the guilt you’re putting on yourself isn’t warranted. You loved her and had a wonderful life together you’d never hurt her. She wants you to be ok. I use the love of my husband and his for me to give me strength. I miss him every minute of every day but I still love and honor him and want him to proud that I’m his wife. Your wife is with you, she’s a part of you, she helped make you the person you are today. I was so angry at God but now I pray more then ever. I don’t know Gods plan or why he took my love so early but it wasn’t because of me. We’ll figure these answers out one day. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Do things you know she’d love and appreciate. I made a memorial garden for my husband and it brings me peace. Your wife is with you, try to be open to signs and you’ll feel her presence.
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  3. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    May God be with you and grant you peace.
  4. CoryW

    CoryW New Member

    Thank you RLC. I know she is with me but i feel so very unworthy. I've tried to move on time and time again but always come back to its my fault....I can't get past that but keep trying
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  5. LinF

    LinF Member

    We all have a lot of guilt, especially those of us who lost someone after health issues. I lost my husband April 10th. He had been hospitalized for 3 weeks. That happened often and he always came home. Not this time. I replay everything over and over in my head, why didn't I do this, why didn't I ask that? Why wasn't I at the hospital daily from the minute they opened the doors until they threw me out? We didn't expect him to get worse, he was getting better. I thought I was doing everything I could do, and that the health professionals we trusted to take care of him were doing their jobs. We're at a disadvantage because we aren't medically trained, we don't know what to ask, and we want to believe what we're told. We did the best we knew how to do. The guilt is horrible, but I'm hoping in time I can have some peace, and I wish that for you too....
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  6. CoryW

    CoryW New Member

    Thank you LinF. The guilt consumes me daily....I think God should have taken me, I'm the sick one, the weak one, so why her? The night before she died she was in good spirits, laughing, moving about the hospital room....8 hours later she was on a ventilator, 9 hours from that she died. She was the caretaker of me, I had no clue what to do, where to turn, who to talk to. I was numb and still am.
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Guilt sure is a horrible thing. It zaps our energy, it eats us alive. Keep visiting this site, tell your story and read others. You’re not alone. Sadly family and friends think we’re all good in less then a year. Reach out to who ever might be understanding. Let them know you’re still hurting. And could use someone to coffee with. Someone to talk to. Everyone on this site knows and understands your pain. We’re here to support one another, especially when no one in our day to day lives understands how painful our loss really is. I was with my husband for 44 years, if I recall correctly you were with your wife longer. They are a part of us, helped make us into the people we are. We can’t flick a switch and feel ok. It’s such a long hard process and we’re all different. My husband and I had a business together. Together 24/7 and I have some health issues and he took care of me. It is very scary. It’s unknown territory. Just keep trying.
  8. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I found this posting this morning and hope it helps others. It helped me. I am feeling particularly sad this weekend, and am feeling guilt and grief over lost opportunities to be a better wife and husband to my love. Praying for peace and comfort for all of us.

    "Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."

    - Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

    Look back at your friendship, your love, and your caring for the one who has passed on. Celebrate what made it great. Share your stories with those who knew that person and are feeling the loss as well. Look for online forums as places to commiserate with others who are grieving. Taking active steps to cope with your sense of sadness will help you to heal and help others to feel less alone.
  9. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Cory W: I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, and just as sorry that you are bearing such guilt. I understand that. My 28 year old son asked me to stay home on the day he committed suicide. I told him I had to go in that morning, but I would be home in the afternoon and we could do something together. That opportunity never came. Sometime during the time I was gone, I lost him for good. Talk about guilt. I realized one day that part of grief is blaming yourself and others in the hopes you can go back and change things so the one you loved so much can return. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. As for being unworthy, we are all unworthy. That's why God's forgiveness and mercy is essential. If God can forgive all the mistakes you think you made, letting go of the blame you place on yourself will free you to live. Even on the cross, Jesus said, 'Forgive them for they know not what they do'. God can forgive anything except a complete rejection of Him. There is peace of mind to be found in God. Sending love your way, Chris
    cjpines likes this.
  10. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I also suffer from feeling that I didn't do enough to help my husband. The evening before he passed away, I had to call an ambulance. The closest hospital to our house isn't equipped to handle my husband's complex medical conditions. My husband, who is usually a very stoic person, begged me to get him transported to the hospital where he was being treated for his many health issues. I did everything I could think of to get them to call an ambulance to take him there, but I couldn't make it happen. It's a long story, but by the time they realized my husband needed more care than they could provide, it was too late. He died, still in the ER, almost 8 hours later. I keep replaying that night/early morning in my mind. I can't get all the "what if's" out of my head. I too can't stop thinking about what I could have/should have done differently. Rationally I know it isn't my fault my husband died, I just wish I could make my heart understand this. I can tell from your post how much you loved your wife, how much she meant to you... You did the very best you could to help her. You couldn't have done anything more. I'm positive she knew how much you loved her. I hope in time, you're able to stop beating yourself up. It's not your fault! Many hugs...
    JMD likes this.
  11. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    This sounds so familiar. My husband died in the hospital that I work in, I wasn’t always comfortable with his care. The truth is, he did not respond to his medical treatment for a serious side effect of his cancer medications. We did not expect him to die. He did not want to die. There were times I felt like his doctor and the staff didn’t care, and they certainly didn’t prepare him or us for his death. Watching him die, anyone die, is a very traumatic experience. Even if expected. It’s also something that we have absolutely no control to stop, so we are left feeling helpless and powerless. Our normal reaction is to blame someone, even if it’s ourselves.
    We do the best we can with what we are given at the time. I am certain that none of us consciously gave less than our best effort to save out loved ones, nor would we ever. This is a very difficult road - try to be kind to yourself, try to focus on the good in your relationship. Praying for peace of mind for all of us.
    LinF and Chris M 2000 like this.
  12. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I totally understand what you said about our being helpless and powerless to change some things in life. The first thing I understood after our son's death by suicide was that I didn't know anything. I thought I knew how life worked and that I could pray about our situation and it would change. I remember the night before we lost him thinking for the first time that I didn't know how we could go on like this any longer. I guess it was the first time I even had an inkling that our situation was too much. However, I had no idea what was to take place the next day. That was when I realzied I didn't know anything about how life worked. I only knew if I was ever to get through each day I was going to have to completely keep waiting on God's help to get me through. I really didn't believe I could get through even one day, but that has been 20 years ago now so I can testify that God can carry you when you have no strength to go on.
    The only one who can understand the pain we have had to bear, is someone who has also lost a loved one who is precious to them. It is impossible for the general public at large who have never undergone a loss like ours to understand what it entails and the strength it takes to get through it.
    May God bless you and comfort you in your loss.
    JMD likes this.