i thought i was ready to tell my story...

ive told it so many times over the past 3 weeks....no 2 to be exact bc for that first week i was still in a hospital being treated for my own clinical depression.My dear husband died suddenly a day after i was admitted.Strangely that particular hospitalization was successful and my husband will never know.That makes me feel so so sad and it makes me feel guilty too.
In some instances my anxiety and my shock made people retreat.Either they couldnt handle it...i was ousted from group therapy for depressed people for whatever their reasons were.I wont venture to guess.I needed to talk.I talked too much.
I also suppose many cant understand my sudden emergence into wellness in conjunction with such a tragedy.
imean,this is my worst fear come true. I anticipated it.I lived in fear of it and my husband continued to assure me that he would never ever leave me.that hed always be here to take care of me.
I thought id disappear into vapor.But i didnt.
im confused.
So right now im exhausted with telling my story.Its intense and at times mystical.I had stopped being spiritual when my father died last summer.
i expected him to visit me and he never did.Not a sign not a whisper.
My husbands passing has been chock full of hints & messages from both him and from my father.
But for right now i prefer to listen.
im making friends again and id like to make more.This is my husbands gift to me...my emergence from my self imposed shell.
please talk to me.I would love to hear your story,And tell you mine.And make a friend or 2 or 3.
Id like to listen............Susan

 

Our Story

Janet and Bill


My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.

If, with your permission, I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side, nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on April 11, 2021. For me, the more time that goes by, the more I miss him, the harder it is for me to just get through the day without him. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him, but I have to, I don't have any choice. I know he would want me to be happy, but right now, I can't even imagine it.

Be gentle with yourself. Everyone experiences grief in different ways. In the beginning, it was hard for me to accept reality, that my husband would never come home again. When he died, there were so many things I had to take care of. I kept myself busy, doing everything that needed to be done, and somehow to my surprise, I was able to accomplish everything without totally falling apart. Now, over two months later, I feel like day by day, I'm sinking more and more into a deep dark hole, one that I won't be able to pull myself out of...

Everyone here understands the unimaginable pain of losing someone who they loved, still love, with all their heart... People further along in the grief process than I am, have given me hope, that as more time goes by, things will begin to get better. But..., the grief will always be a part of who I am. I'm sorry you had to find this site, but I'm glad you did. I hope it helps you along your grief journey, just as it's helping me. Sending you hugs... DEB321

 

thank you for sharing your stories and your words
..i often feel so misunderstood out here in the real world.my children are my rocks but i feel as tho im preventing them from moving forward in their lives...at least for now.Like i mentioned, in group therapy i was called rude and selfish for telling my story.my mother in law has never acknowledged my loss..i called her several times to check on her and she said to me "i feel bad for the children bc they lost their father and i feel bad for me bc i lost my son"period. i decided to stop reaching out to her bc it doesnt make me feel good and it no longer serves me...
my daughters have been thrust into a sudden adulthood..altho they are adults they were always sheltered and protected by their father. he wanted to keep them close for as long as possible he said bc he didnt know how long he would have them.......They have stepped up with a vengance and i feel in a sense,so have i...2 months ago i would have blown away like old dust
BUT.i often feel like a spectator in this tragedy
my husband and i had actually divorced for a year,then reunited and remarried several years ago at the courthouse on the same date as our original wedding..my daughter and her boyfriend as witnesses..we had never stopped being eachothers best friend. im sure that event colors my husbands familys opinion of me....that and my incessant depression.however what happens between me and my husband is our business and you know what?...shit happens
at the same time,people came out of the woodwork to support me and i learned you have put some effort into friendships to make them happen and to keep them alive.
the morning of the day he died i called him from the hospital and cried and told him i felt as tho i had lost everything.i just wanted the sky to fall on me & to die suddenly & without pain.
but it happened to him instead.
I love that you let me talk. I love that you listen & hear me.
thank you for that
everything out here is tied up in logistics,settling finances, and making future pans.
my husband never thought he was going to die.ever.
its a bit of a mess.
its nice to have a place where i can talk about how i feel

 

Susan, I think we all feel a lot of what you are going through. Tomorrow will be 1 month from the day my wife passed. It is all so new and so strange. It still doesn't feel quite real. I think everyone on here understands how hard it is and knows it is different for all of us. My wife was my best friend. We did everything together. I was lost when I met her and she gave my life direction. She truly changed me into the man I am today and gave me the family I now have. We adopted 5 kids and had 1 of our own. I am afraid I am going to be "lost" again without her but I know she is there standing behind me giving me the strength to keep going. I talk to her everyday. Weird little things and deep down long talks both. I am truly scared for my future once all this truly sinks in. I know I am rambling right now but I think that is where I am in life. I randomly jump from one task to another I think to keep myself and mind busy. I do hope she comes to me sometime and "speaks" to me. I ask he everyday to do that. I just hope and pray that she is OK and that she is not in any more pain. I hope she is with her parents. She always missed them so much and wished she could talk to them again. I hope she will be waiting on me when I pass. I know I have a lot left to do in life. I have 6 kids to keep track of and be there for. I hope I have some grandchildren someday so I can tell them about there gramma.

She always told me she was going to die when she was 52. It was kind of a running joke for the past 25 years. When she made it to 53 I would joke that we were on bonus time. She died when she was 54. I am truly glad I had all those years, 1/2 my life to be with her, and although I truly wish she was with me for the next 30 years I am so grateful for the bonus 2 she stuck around for.

I think just writing these things and talking about her and sprewing these random thoughts really helps. Especially because I feel the people on this site actually understand.

I wish you peace. Feel free to reach out whenever you need.

Mike

 

thank you mike.i cant tell you how grateful i am to have found a place where i can be so honest."ramble" all you like,bc you certainly are not rambling at all and you made my heart a little lighter

 

Mike, Susan,Deb and everyone else,
Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts. It’s such a difficult journey we’ve all been thrown into. No one wants to search for a site to help us as we mourn our loved ones. But this site puts us together and we help one another try to get through as best we can. A lot of people feel that writing a journal helps them. This site has become my journal. Writing and talking about our loved ones, about how painful it all is, that’s so very helpful. I lost my husband very suddenly, no warnings. We had spent a normal happy Saturday together and were relaxing and watching tv. I remember it all so clearly. He didn’t feel well and 2 hours later the love of my life was gone forever at 11:34 pm. Massive heart attack. Married 41 years, we were together 24/7, ran a business together. I’ve never lived alone until that awful night over 2 1/2 years ago. I didn’t think I could live another minute, yet here I am today still here. I miss him every minute of every day. I believe we’re all stronger then we realize. And I know he is with me and a part of me. He gives me signs regularly. I’m sure your spouses are trying to do the same for you. Be open to it. If something happens that you can’t explain it’s very possible your loved one is sending messages. A lot of people feel that time heals, I can’t say, but I can say I’ve gotten stronger. Sure there’s tears there’s emotional times and trouble sleeping, etc but it’s not 24/7. And I’ve learned I’m more capable then I ever realized. Visiting this site, sharing thoughts and memories are all so cathartic. I honor my husband each a d every day and I hope he’s proud that I’m his wife. He taught me so much and still is teaching me.
Take care of yourselves and be kind to yourself. ❤️ Robin

 

our stories sound so similar.so so similar
only i wasnt here & my youngest daughter was here to witness the sudden decline ,then my other 2 with the horrific fallout.
when my father died last summer & i was there for it i believe i asked him to visit me..to continue giving me advice & support....i never felt him again..it made me sad & i put my beliefs aside.
the day my husband died my stepmother saw my fathers face in every stranger she saw out of the corner of her eye.when she walked in her door the call came from my mother & my stepmother rushed to my childrens side & took over. my husband was about to drive with my kids on an 11 hour trip to SC & 11 hours back. i could have lost my whole family. I do beleive my dad intervened telling my stepmother she was to be aware she was going to be needed that day.
the day before he died i decided i had to end my life or go to the hospital.i had vehemently resisted going to the hospital for a long time.that day i decided i had no choice.
my children could have lost both their parents
But they didnt bc something someone somewhere intervened.i beleve that w all my heart & soul.
And i came out of that hospitalization more resilliant & stronger than i ever would have thought.
im still here.I almost cant believe it
then there were the fortune cookies....during the week after i got home as a well person from the hospital, the kids were having chinese food & when they were reading their fortune cookies each one seen=med to be a message from my husband. coindidence?maybe. a fortune cookiw is a fortune cookie. when the last one was opened my daughter exclaimed.."MOM.these are lyrics from your wedding song!'
ive never seen lyrics in a fortune cookie
i too use this site as my journal.i do keep a journal...a mood journal but i write in spurts & fits.when im here reading your stories & feeling your warmth & encouragement the time flies by.
my words pour out & my feelings are validated.
i dont feel so alone.
im sorry to be here and im grateful to be here........susan

 

My husband passed little less than a month ago suddenly of Covid. He beat 2 cancers in the last 3 years then to die like this after we were so careful. I am devastated we were married 31 years together every day since he retired almost 10 years ago. We did everything together all day, I am so scared of being alone and scared of living without him. He was the love of my life, my kids are 28 and 30 they don’t live with me, but are staying here for these few weeks. I cannot see my life without him and can’t understand why he went through all this to die of Covid. I have no strength to get through this rough road ahead of me, I lost my mom suddenly almost 10 years ago and we were tied at the hip every day also together, my husband got sick my father passed away during that time my brother diagnosed last summer with cancer and now my husband passed. How do I get through without him I am so petrified

 

im so sorry for your losses..i cant imagine.
it certainly isnt fair
my husband too had covid and i do believe it contributed to his death
again im so sorry

 

You have been through so much heartbreak in such a short period of time. I'm glad that your children will be staying with you for a few weeks. Let your children help as much as possible with all the things that have to be done since your husband died. Try to be gentle with yourself, take things day by day, minute by minute. Take care of yourself the best you can. Try to eat, try to sleep, or at least rest. Unfortunately, there is no escaping from this intense pain. My husband died April 11, 2021, so I'm not that far into this grieving process. I've found that being outside, being in nature, taking long walks, has helped me cope. Every day I find something to be grateful for, no matter how small it is. I don't always think I have the strength to get through this either, but as RLC said in this thread, "I believe we’re all stronger then we realize." I think this is true. I'm very glad you found this site. It helps sharing your feelings with people who care and understand the pain of losing someone who they loved, still love, with all their heart. Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace... DEB321

 

I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I pray that each day makes everyone stronger to deal with the grief of losing their love one and all the things that come along with it. Its been a year since I lost my love and it still feels like it just happened. We have young kids and I stay motivated for them. At times I feel I'm mourning for them and myself so I pray for strength each day for each one is a challenge. Susan im glad you got your kids in your corner. It definitely helps having someone there. This site has been a life saver because its much each talking to people that actually understand what you going through. Staying busy during the day make things a little easier to deal with. Try to find time for yourselves if you can. Praying for us all.

 

Susan, I’m so happy you decided to get the help you needed. Or your dad helped push you to be where you needed to be. Your story is so special, and you acted on the feelings that you needed help. Something you’ve been fighting for a while I believe. And yes, your children still have their Mom. Never have guilt for saving yourself. Your husband is grateful I guarantee it. Keep talking to your husband and your Dad. They’re with you, they’re a part of you. They helped make you the person you are. I know your loss is resent and the pain is over bearing, there are no words to explain how this pain feels, I’m so glad your children are staying with you for a while. My daughter stayed with me for a very long time. She worked from my house and we supported each other. She only lives 20 minutes from me but she stayed with me. My son lives in Florida but the first week after Ron passed we all stayed together and slept together in our living room on air mattresses and couches. I needed that time with my children. I’m afraid the friends and family don’t really understand the pain we feel but our children do. Anyone offering support of any kind, please accept it. I’m happy you don’t feel so alone when you’re reading my posts or anyone’s posts. Loneliness is overwhelming and so painful. But this site brings us together and it feels safe, no judgements. It’s people coming together to help one another, because sadly we all understand this pain of losing our one and only, or parent or child etc. I recall saying to my son, I feel I don’t have a purpose any more. He answered, yes you do! You’re our Mom, we’re always need you. Perfect answer! I do still have that feeling though but less.
Continue to take care of yourself, your kids need you and your husband wants you to push forward. One day one hour one moment at a time. Baby steps.
Take care! ❤️

 

Thank you gor your kind words I still can’t accept what happened and can’t find my way off the couch and I’m afraid to go out I’m afraid of the rough road I have ahead of me. I can’t even imagine my life without my husband. I am freaking out and scared we had such a great life together! My kids I feel being little hard on me I know they are worried about me but their everyday life will go back to the way it was and minds wont. I don’t know if I have the strength after so much to go through this pain. We were together 24/7 it really scares me when I think of my life alone, I have only couple friends and hate the thought of life without him.I really don’t want to do this!

 

First im sorry for your loss. You are early in your grief so take time to heal. Don't try to rush the process because its definitely not gone happen over night. Part of you is gone so it's gone take baby steps to get through. Even then there is going to be some challenging days. Your kids probably want you to still enjoy life but right now you feel that you can't. Like.some others have said take deep breaths and get fresh air but do all this at your pace. Pray for strength it'll come. Each day is a challenge but you'll get stronger with time. Take care!

 

I know this doesn't help, but I'm thinking about you today... Feeling alone, and lonely is so scary... I feel this way too. Hugs, DEB321

 

Thank you Deb the mornings are the worst my heart just can’t take the pain! I’m sorry your going through this as well talking with each other does help thank you

 

Thank you so much, I’m feeling my life will never be happy again, my husband and I were together every day all day I can’t even imagine being alone now, what’s worse is I don’t want to do anything without him. I’m scared to go through this journey your words are so true and yes the kids kids are saying my life doesn’t have to be doom and gloom but their every day will go on and mine has changed forever. How are you doing?