I survived cancer, but my husband didn't

I lost my husband May 11, 2019 to advanced primary liver cancer with mets to lungs. He was only diagnosed 6 months prior. I still find myself lost, I miss him so much. Now, it's only our son(15) and I plus our pets. Things are just in a robotic motion of habit now: get up, go to work, come home, clean, sleep, get up repeat. I'm getting things done, slowly, that my husband and I discussed forever, like cleaning out the garage, getting new cookware etc. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt over everything. You see, I, myself, am a 12 year survivor of ovarian cancer. The caveat is, my tumor was able to be removed, whereas my husbands was not. I've been trying to attend grief counseling but my schedule at work didn't really permit it. I found myself thinking about a potential trip for myself and our son, yet quickly the guilt monster came in my mind and the thought was put to the side. I feel guilty for feeling better, happy, singing along to music. I still have his picture up that was used in the funeral home. I talk to him as if he were here. I ask his advice. Some days are better than others and some days , I don't want to get out of bed.

 

It will be a year on the 28th of July that mine has been gone. I still find comfort from his picture beside my bed. You could take the picture on your trip. Your husband would want you to take your son on the trip! I know how you feel though. It is hard to drive his atv for our dog to run after at the farm without my love.

 

So much quality time with our person. I was married for forty years. The silence and loss of companionship are so foreign. I have no idea if I could hold a job thru this. Hospice here in Seattle sponsors grief groups on Saturdays.

 

I had just started back at a new job 3/11/19 and my husband passed exactly 2 months later. Because I was so new, I wasn't eligible for FMLA. I only got 5 days bereavement, so I was back at work a week later. I didn't want to do it, but if I didn't push myself, I'd be without a job and it's very scary when you realize you're the only breadwinner. I only attended a few one on one grief sessions with the hospice grief counselor. They have a group starting in AUgust that I will join. I went from being on a second shift to a first shift which is so much better for my son and I. Some days I barely function; others, it's almost normal(pre-death). Also, at work, to allow for extra days off when needed, I filled out, and was approved, ADA(americans with disabilities) act paperwork due to the curcumstances that exacerbate my depression and anxiety. This way, if I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, I can call of and not get dinged for it on my work record. The company I work for is truly awesome.

 

First off I am so glad that the company you work for can accommodate you enough. I think that says something about them but you as well. The word overwhelmed was a keyword in one of my grief books. A few that I have were written by women who were and perhaps are in the void that is grief. Both were relatively young and by some act of will; were able to cobble enough to keep the economics together. I am not sure how many of us navigate that initial shock and tendency to just go fetal. That relationship was the rudder that steadied about everything. I have been here for a while and so many here start with I am so lost. The local grief group that I have attended had many from forty plus years of marriages. But the ones more like you that have children that are also suffering. I can't praise you enough for keeping so much together. I think many including myself have been challenged to make it through one day let alone a week or year. My Hospice grief counselor had her overall position of I am here to listen to your truth. The key points that she so expertly tried to convey were to be with other people, be social. I lost two of the main women in my life being Kay and my mother. The councilors take was yes they are gone but the thousands of memories and interactions are still there and those make up a huge portion of who we are. The other stuff was about sleep issues or the worst of how to handle night time. So back to that word, overwhelming, if recognition and praise help you deserve it.

Best to you and all of us.

Paul M

 

Two months today....feels like 2o years.....

 

In two months is the one year mark of her passing. I think I am fortunate to have a few souls that feel as deeply and do not mind talking about her. There remain those times of first the heartache and then the tears, then the release or clarity of remembering and being with them/her. That cycle I really do not mind and expect it will last a long time. That person that said yes I want to do life with you and are all in. That relationship is unique and was the best place we could possibly be. It was built day by day and year by year. Each brought our best to make together so cherished compared to alone. All those how we do Christmas this year or what new car is best. We were daily, weekly, monthly, and the arch of a lifetime. I guess gratitude for what we had is good. But the constant reminders of all that is lost or gone. The little thing like what movie do we watch. It by itself is small but that done hundreds of times is huge. Yes, your comment ." but feels like 20". I suppose there will be experiences like lunch with a coworker that has fragments of together and create I am not alone memories. I am not sure how long the shock and the notion of I am stunned like some huge bomb went off will be the norm. Living life will ask us to engage and somehow we will respond but slow and unsure.

I think I just needed to talk. Some events came up that drew me to her and the our. Hope this was OK for you.

I have read so many coping rituals here. Whatever method that soothes I am for it.

Best to you and all of us.

Paul M.

 

Christinajo
Please don't feel guilty for feeling better. Maybe your husband has something to do with it when you feel that way.. Who knows? I lost my wife almost 8 months ago of brain cancer. 47 years married. I mostly try to think what she would be telling me. i.e how to cope & that a little sadness is okay and good to remember the love and life we shared but to live now of what is left of my life. Try to imagine if you were gone and he was left you'd want him to live and enjoy what time he has especially with and for your son. I don't mean I'm healed. It will never be so. It is better than the first several months. so I am adjusting to the "new normal"
Peace be with you.

 

Wayne B some good points. Yes, we are lost, upset, disoriented, heartsick, all of it. But you are right what would our person want for us. I think I have even read something similar is a grief book. What would our partners say or want for us? I think many times I talk to her but your take of listening to them is good. Kay would often help me manage in life why would that be different. The hole is still there but they always wanted the best for us.