Before my mom passed last year, I was still suffering from postpartum depression. I didn't know I was, though. Fast forward to now and it's just me and my daughter, no mom anymore. My daughter's dad left and I was thrown into being a complete single parent. My mom helped with everything. That's not why I miss her, though. She was my best friend. My everything. My world. I think what bothers me the most is that it took my mom passing away, to realize my DAUGHTER meant more to me than I thought she did. I have a fierce anxiety, on a daily basis. I'm still clearing out this entire house, of her belongings. I don't work due to a few other health issues. My anxiety stops nearly everything in my life, that's good. Now, I'm trying to live more, instead of worrying. My mom reassured me constantly, that everything would be fine. She's not here to do that, anymore. She was the ONE person I always turned to, when things got bad. She quit her job, to stay home and help me raise my daughter. Last summer when the shit hit the fan with her health, I didn't want to face facts that something was wrong. I forced myself to bed around 6 p.m. every night, while mom was not feeling good and she still helped care for my daughter. I know what happened to her isn't my fault, but the guilt I deal with every day, is horrible. If I knew she was dying, I would've spent more time with her. I just thought she wasn't feeling well. Many, many tests to figure that out, too. (What was going on with her) My daughter and I suffered a significant trauma, losing her. I'm still in therapy, trying to cope with all of this. They're the ones who suggested grief counseling or grief therapy. All I ever did while mom was still here, was try to spend time with her occupying my mind from worries and reality. We shared a mutual love for many things. Then, she got sick and it stopped. So I'm not sure what I'm dealing with now. All I know is that I'm NOT alone and every situation is different. I know I seem like I'm all over the place with my thoughts. It's a lot to process, still. I just feel lost, almost every day. I cry for no reason. I cry, when I think about her. I cry, when I think about what I did to my daughter, not spending time with her much until now. I cry, because I still live in the past and can't move forward. I don't know how. I went through such a severe depression after she died. I'm still going through it. I'm sorry this one's long too, like the other one I posted. If this gets read, thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. She sounds like “a rock”, no wonder you must feel devastated. I lost my Mum too at the end of last year. She was my very best friend. She was diagnosed with cancer and died a few weeks later. Think I’m still in shock. Like you, we didn’t know she was so ill and so I can empathise with some of the guilt you are feeling. Looking back, there’s always things we think we could have done differently. However, I’m sure our Mums knew how much we loved them. Hope the counselling is helping on this very difficult journey.
