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I lost my wife, my best friend, my lady, my love ..

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by JasDi, Sep 24, 2020.

  1. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    My Diane was my life, and continues to be nearly 8 months later, the most beautiful light of my life. I lived for her before, and still living for her now. Living for us. It is so hard. We were two trees intertwined. Growing together. Forever shaped by the other. I am still standing, as a tree does, but everything is different, there are so many open, wounded and raw spaces. Everything reminds me of what I don't have, but I hear her loving whisper talking to me about all the things I do have. I still touch the sky with my feet firmly on the ground, but I weep. It is so hard. The balance of her memory uplifting me, whilst her absence is breaking my heart .. it's a hard balance to keep honestly and vulnerably. Strength is in honesty, but it hurts so much.

    Wondering if there is anyone else who just wants to talk ...
     
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  2. M-J

    M-J Member

    Im so sorry for your loss. What you wrote about her memories being uplifting but her absense being heart breaking really resonated with me as thats exactly how I feel at the moment. I lost my partner very suddenly and unexpectedly 11 weeks ago now and I feel very lost without him. Feel free to chat anytime
     
  3. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like the two of you had something very special and rare. I lost my husband on July 17. He was my everything. We were one also, always looking out and living for each other. Right now I put one foot in front of the other and try to keep going. Survival. I do not know how to want this new life without him. Prayers for your peace.
     
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  4. Yes lost my husband May 7th of a Massive heartattack he was my WHOLE LIFE...With him 25 years I sometimes don't think life is worth living Please help and let me know how you are coping
     
  5. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

     
  6. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

    I also lost my husband and the grief comes in waves. We have four children and I find it difficult at times when my children, mostly grown want to discuss their personal loss. Mine is different and I feel anger at times for what they're missing and have trouble articulating it effectively. I, at times direct them to discuss that grief with their brothers, who are also experiencing the loss from the same perspective. I feel for you and don't go a day without being flooded by the memories we all made together. It sometimes feels more comfortable to dwell on his death because it feels safer than taking the brave route of moving forward and lessons my personal guilt over the situation. I don't feel I've suffered his loss enough and don't deserve to feel joy or happiness. I hope you find peace!!!
     
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  7. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

     
  8. Nectar99

    Nectar99 Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. While I can relate to losing my husband of 25 years suddenly, my loss is different from yours, because it was by choice. As cliche as it sounds, I survived moment by moment, leaned on two friends I trust implicitly who took care of me when I was unable to care for myself, and have to keep as busy as possible to not keep comfortable dwelling on my husband's passing. I pray you find some peace, even for an evening to get a restful night's sleep!!
     
  9. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi ChicagoHoneyBear .. sorry for the time difference, I am in Australia. I was afraid no one would be there. Thank you for reaching out, and reading your words and I wanted to reach back .. I am so sorry to hear of your loss too. So terribly sorry. My Diane was my whole life. Everything I did was for her, for us. What keeps me going is that we loved each so much that if I don't find a way through this she would be devastated. My wife was actually a grief counselor, and taught people about inner strength, emotional well-being, meditation and many other things .. so it is both a strength and a tragic irony that I am surviving her passing because of how special and beauitiful she was as a person and as my wife. I am not coping at the moment, I am simply surviving. Everywhere I turn is either a reminder she is gone or a reminder I am on my own, and I never know how every fibre of my soul and every cell of my body and every feeling in my heart was somehow linked to my beautiful lady. Sometimes I ache. It literally hurts. No one really understands. We lived our lives together believing in a greater plan for all things, and the most challenging aspect of the first few tragic months was to keep that trust and knowing whilst I felt so gutted and incapable of getting up off the floor. I stumble forward some days, I lean on friends to help me forward other days, I just push through the tears that won't stop other days, and just stand still in sheer devastation when I can't move .. but I am always in the moment, just like my Diane taught me many years ago. I still feel her around, and sometimes strange things happen that can only be her. We have had so many experiences over our years together that I know life goes on .. but that does little sometimes to dull the pain. When I wake up from dreams with her it takes me so long to get out of bed .. I either stare at the ceiling sometimes or cry myself until I am exhausted... but I stay honest and get up for her. I live everyday saying I want her to be proud of her husband, and one day I will want to do it for me. But for now I keep moving for her. I am so glad to touch people who know what I mean. My family and friends, what few I have, mean well, but they keep the cliches coming or fall silent... it's not their fault - their life is largely the same. Mine? I died that day. Now I am struggling to find the 'how' and sometimes the 'why' .. but that is 'normal' - because everything feels gone. Also for coping I am taking all of my wife's dairies and work over the past 30 years of her life and I am going to compile her life story - the one she did not get to write but was going to one day. So, I guess, I am trying my best to live for her until I can find a way to live for me. Hope this helps. It certainly helps me knowing that someone who understands is on the other end of these worlds. My name is Jason and my wife's name is Diane.
     
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  10. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi Nectar99, thank you for writing to me, and I am so very very sorry for what you are going through. I sincerely know what you mean. I just wrote back to HoneyBear about how I feel but yours too is so close to me. I do not have children but my family has lost brothers and fathers and mothers .. and it is just so different. They are worlds apart in some ways because everything is attached to it, not just one part of life. The smallest thing is so hard, and to articulate how and why is nearly impossible. It is living through the cliche of being alone in a crowd of people. After my wife died my mother came down the next day from interstate to be with me, and no one understands but I sent her home the next day. I just couldn't cope. She was hurt for a time, but I could not express how hard it was simply to communicate. I too am flooded with memories every day. I am having to work hard to survive, and memories of the wonderful times ache, and the times Diane was very ill are like PTSD, and I guess it is literally true. I found myself for a time dwelling on Diane's death because it almost made it easier because I felt closer. Every week that passed seemed like I was getting further away from her, which added to the trauma. I was there day and night for 16 months trying to save her life until in the end there was nothing i could do. I had to work really hard to tell myself the was nothing I did wrong to stop the creeping guilt, so I hope you can be kind to yourself, but I too am not prepared to push myself any harder than what my grief allows. Be where to need to be, no time limit, just not forever. I know what you mean when you say about you feel you don't deserve to feel joy or happiness, because in the rare moments I smile at something I am whipped back into 'How can I smile?" .. but then I remember that my wife would often say how she loved to see me smile so I allow myself to have it, even though it feels so unnatural. Anything else would not be true. I hope you find peace too - love is all there is, and right now that is the only thing holding me together. One day I will find peace, but not today. It is so wonderful to be able to talk with people who feel similar things, despite the tragic nature of it all. Thank you. Jason
     
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  11. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi M-J, 11 weeks is so close to today isn't it, and it hurts so much. I have gone back through my daily journal which I started the day Diane passed away and even though the pain is exactly the same after nearly 8 months all I can do is take one day at a time. Thank you for your words too, because I feel both uplifted and gutted all at the same time. Others find it hard to understand, so thank you. I am so sorry you lost your partner. So very sorry. Everything looks different. I felt totally lost at first, and even though I still do not know what direction to go and I feel totally disconnected from everything we lived for, I know I will find a way if I keep looking forward .. knowing one day I will see her again. The other day at work some of the male staff members were joking that on the weekends their spouses usually had things for them to do, and they were complaining about it. I could have screamed at them, but I sat there, speechless, bleeding inside, incredulous, shaking .. desperate. I just walked out. I did not have the strength even to say anything. I would have given anything to come home and for my wife to ask me anything - just to hear her voice. Anything. It's so hard, so my heart breaks in silence so many times. Hope to hear back.
     
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  12. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi JMD - It's all we can do, and I am so sorry for your loss also. I came home from work today and found your message and the message from others and I felt like a hand had reached out and given me a little bit more strength. We had something so special, we were as close to being one as I can imagine. Sometimes we were in each other's dreams and we could describe them to each other after we woke up. So being such soulmates, and love of any kind, just leaves you feeling like half a person. I agree with you - it's survival. That is all I am doing, and everything I do is still revolving around Diane. I do not want a new life either. I want my wife back, but together we went through so many challenges and Diane always stood for the truth first and the means to move forward with that truth second. And that is me, now. So I reckon it is totally okay to not want a life without your husband, because for me and my wife it is the same. I have to create something, though, when I am ready, in some way. But there is enough emotional and psychological pressure on us already that says we don't have to decide what we want until we're ready anyway. Peace to you too.
     
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  13. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you had an amazing marriage. We did too - it’s hard for others to understand the intensity of our grief. Losing Michael and watching him illness take him most definitely caused me trauma that I am still trying to work through. I like how you said you were living for Diane until you found a way to live for yourself. I feel the same way - my purpose right now is to love and honor Michael’s life each day, and to try to find purpose and meaning in this new life that I really didn’t want. Some days it’s just putting one foot in front of the other, tidying up, making something to eat. I write Michael a note each day which seems to help me remember details about him. He loved the water, so I am trying to sit near the waterfront to think about him and talk to him. That also feels calming and healing. One moment at a time. Prayers for peace.
     
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  14. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Hi JMD, thanks for writing back. We did, and I can hear that in your words too. Diane's and my marriage showed me what love really is, and she is truly the only reason I have the strength to move forward. I like how you write a note each day to Michael. I started a diary the day Diane passed away, and it is my best friend now, one of the closest ways I can talk to her, be with her, tell Diane everything I need. Sometime I find notes she has written in the years past in her diaries and writing, and it is like she is there .. but she isn't. But writing to her, about her, about the chasm inside, about the way my life is without her, helps me ride the waves so I don't go under. It looks like we both have the same purpose, because that is what I am doing every moment of every day, to live for Diane. A lump went to my throat when you said one foot in front of the other ... others say it trying to be supportive, but to live it.. that's something else. Diane had cancer, and we fought for her live as we lived - side by side and totally committed with how much we love each other. It is really, really hard to have wonderful memories (even though they break my heart at the same time) mixed with the trauma of her failing health. Memories of how hard it got and how hard she fought. I find the last few days the most gutwrenching days of my life. As I slept beside her before she passed away, Diane woke me up with a dream and I had a last few hours with her until she passed in the early morning. I am blessed in so many ways. She was the most beautiful and kind person I will ever know. I like the idea of sitting next to the waterfront for Michael - that sounds lovely. I would love to drive to Diane's and my favourite places and just sit there. Calming and healing is all we can aim for at the moment. Can only do one moment and at a time. Take care.
     
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  15. TALKTOME

    TALKTOME Member

     
  16. TALKTOME

    TALKTOME Member

    My husband was my everything. Yes we had rough times but we always ran back to each others arms. The lonelyness I feel isn't just a change in my life. It's a complete void. I don't think it can be filled just by activities. I carried his love with me wherever I went. No activity can fill what I lost. But I pray for all of you and may you eventually get relief.
     
  17. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    You are so right. It isn't loneliness, it is an absolute void. The best way I tried to describe it to a colleague was that my wife and I grew like 2 trees, our trunks wound together as we grew taller, interwined. Then, when my wife died, one whole part of me was ripped away. Leaving a raw, gaping space. I am now that single trunk, all bent and I feel mishapen, still reaching up awkwardly but with nothing to fill the emptiness. The only activity I have that comes close is that I am reading and sorting all my wife's diaries and life's work and I am going to write her life story. She started it, and I am going to finish it for her. I hope relief can one day be found with the same thing that lead me to Diane in the first place - the love in my heart.
     
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  18. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    I love what you ha
    I love what you have written. I am pleased that you have her diaries to complete the work she started. My husband had begun writing a book about some of the amazing and humorous things patients often say to their doctors. I cannot even begin to figure out what he has written so I cannot finish what he started. I wish I could. I truly wish you much success in your quest to finish her work. Lastly, your words of finding relief in the same thing that led you to Diane is so powerful. All we have is the love that is in our hearts. That is what will sustain us if we allow it to. Be blessed.
     
  19. JasDi

    JasDi Member

    Thank you Louise. My wife Diane was writing about life, who and what we are, the inner self and awareness of the Greater Plan. At the centre of it was, and is, love for all. At least you have diaries too, even if you might not be able to carry on - very special. For the things I cannot replace or add on to, I am going to release them even though they are incomplete. Sometimes even only part of a story can change a life. Sometimes even just a sentence. Perhaps there is something you can do in his memory. I believe love is the only way to truly find anything, so I hope the same for you. Times like these you wish you could sit down with someone for a cup of coffee and just talk. Maybe shed some tears. Thank you. Be blessed also. Warm regards.
     
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  20. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    I used to wish my Walter was able to express his feelings. He was a wonderful man in many ways but he wasn't very communicative. Very old fashioned. I always wanted to share a cup of coffee with him and just talk. It never happened. It took me years to learn to accept his inability to open up as just part of who he was. I'm a talker, a letter writer, a book reader, he was not . Early in our marriage our differences almost caused us to get a divorce. I loved him but I was terribly unhappy. We were together nearly 30 years before our hearts and minds seemed to align. The last 12 years of our marriage were the best. Although we were both still working hard, our focus was on each other and not on the children or schools, but on each other. I wish I could have a little more time with him and savor the moments. When I lost my oldest son, I wanted him to understand how much I hurt and perhaps he did but he was busy providing for us and being the level headed one and I was angry with him for not being able to feel my pain. In retrospect, I now see that someone had to be responsible and keep the family afloat because I certainly couldn't. Now, I have to be the practical and responsible one for my children. They are all grown but his death has impacted each one of them differently. One day I was bawling my eyes out and my youngest son said something like Mom, you've got to pull yourself together. You are the strongest woman I know and if you fall apart, the rest of us are in deep trouble. So I don't cry when he's home. I cry in my car a lot. I listen to my husband's radio show and remember the good things. Thank you for sharing your sweet wife with us in the group. She obviously was a very special lady. What part of Australia are you in? I have a nephew in Melbourne. My sister was stuck there for 3 months when Covid broke out. Be blessed my friend.