I left her alone, I left her to die alone

she was hospitalized, she was in the ICU and I went to my house, pray, cry, eat, gather stuff for her, and I slept, I was able to sleep that night, I close my eyes crying and fell asleep. I didn´t wake up early the next day, not early enough, I took my time, believing that she wasn´t gonna die and that she would wake up that day and I had to be pretty for her, and I did I got pretty that morning, knowing that we were already late because the visit schedule was from 7 to 12. When we got to the clinic, she was already dead, she died in that room all by herself, listening to doctor, not her family, not a single person that loved her was there, it was too cold for her, she died alone and I took my time to get ready

 

Fernanda,

Please never blame yourself for your mother's loss. You needed your rest, it was ok Fernanda. Sometimes our prayers can't always be answered, but your mom will always be with you in everything you do forward in your lifetime. Your words will hold your mom's love; your actions will display your mom's caring for you and others; your precious tears will be for your love for your mom. Lastly your mom will always be with you in your heart, in your mind, and your soul.

No matter how you looked Fernanda you were always beautiful to your mother. She loved you dearly, please never forget that, and never give up on yourself. Fernanda even though no one may have been physically present with her in her final moments, if you truly believe in faith you will know she was not alone, she passed with all of your memories, and the amazing grace of her belief in God. So no, she was not alone, she was with you, with others, and with God.

You take care of yourself, and keep your faith, and do as I do, I talk with my wife so many times because she is with all those who passed before her in heaven. Please also know, you need to still look out for yourself. Don't ever put any bad feelings on yourself and make sure you keep talking, and don't ever stop. Peace be with you all the days forward and God Bless.

-david

I am going to play a song for you, for those who don't believe this will be of faith.

 

I wish I could believe what you are telling me, but right now I respectfully can´t agree, I have so many regrets and guilt that I don´t wanna let go, but I do want to make something good with those feelings, turning them into strength, productiveness, caring, effort, resilience and more love towards me and others... I am trying to find the way to do it, I pray that I will, but I always thank you deeply for answer and caring for what I share here

Thank for the song, I very much like it and I too am finding my way back to feeling God again in my heart. Be safe and have a beautifull day!

 

Fernanda,

Take care.

-david

 

Fernanda,

I wanted to share something very personal to me and anyone else that reads. This was written and posted previously by me.

I am here today, on Earth for some reason, I can’t know for sure. Let me explain further. When my wife was struggling with cancer, my son and I took her to the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, Florida, and left her in the car as we both walked to get a wheelchair.

My breathing became labored, it was 98 degrees out, as I continued to walk, I saw a bench ahead and made it to it. I sat there, holding my chest and told my son to go ahead and get the wheelchair. What I would realize years later is I had had a heart attack and destroyed a small part of my heart. We were all so concerned with Nadine I completely forgot about myself.

When we got back to Nadine in the car, she was on the phone, with the insurance company. She was crying, begging them not to cancel her insurance. She cried that she wanted to live, both my son and I stopped in our tracks.

I can’t tell you how my son reacted, but he would tell me just recently on that day he died, inside of himself. From that day forward he said he no longer cared for life anymore. I was just shocked at what my wife had been put through, finally, after all the pleading she got the ok to go into the hospital and take the tests. It was on those days she found out she had terminal cancer.

I can’t put into words, how we all felt from that day forward for a long time. Life was so foggy, sure we cried, we hugged and kissed each other and it was from then to this day that I never truly realized how messed up our world had become.

As the days, weeks, months passed, there were so many tests, so many disappointments, but she never gave up. We were with her every step of the way. We knew that cancer had taken an interest in Nadine. No amount of praying, silent crying, willing to sacrifice ourselves for her were ever answered.

So we took each day we had with each other. Music had always been such a devouring part of my life, I could get lost in it, I needed it, we all needed it. I can’t tell you how many sad days and nights we had, but we kept each other close, dreading passage of time, and so many disappointing answers she would receive. But what amazed me, and my sons was Nadine. She refused to give in to despair. She truly kept us grounded, each of us so fragile at that time inside.

I won’t soften it for you or anyone else, grief can start before death, it can take you to a place that is hard to come back from. As time passed, and she was removed from the transplant list for the third and final time, words can’t describe how we moved forward in life from that point.

Her former boss paid for her life flight back to Maine, where we closed up the house, waited for the packers to empty the house, signed the papers with the lawyers to take the house, and we had a grueling 3 day trip back to Maine to Nadine in the Auburn, Maine hospice house.

During this time, her last remaining sister Linda (her two brothers and other sister passed while we were married) and Lisa, her niece, a U.S certified traveling nurse stayed with us, until they accompanied her on that life flight back home to Maine.

There were many other occasions, tons of exasperation with life in general, so many touching moments, so many tender moments we all shared. Life is such an enigma, we never realize until it happens to you just how fragile we all are inside.

I won’t go through the remaining 3 months of Nadine’s life, I will just tell you even though we had ten years to go through this cancer process with her, I am sure we were such an unknown to so many people. Nadine’s faith carried us through to the end.

I will say she was visited by an angel in her dreams, there in hospice, she told Nadine in heaven she would take care of all the unwanted children. Her face had an amazing look, I am sure many tears were streaming down everyone’s face that moment, as we all sat, listened, it was so quiet in the room.

I am a Roman Catholic, I believe in God and pray to him so much. So when others wonder why I am so strong, it is because of who I have become in life, Nadine, God, my sons, my life experiences, all the losses have brought me to this time and place.

I have many regrets. I have wished for so many things in my life, sometimes all prayers can’t be answered. Sure life can be so unfair. But I refused to ever give up, I will try to give my strength to my sons, through love, through talks, through hugs and kisses, and through memories, some more painful than others.

Now to answer your question, how do I find these songs. My heart and mind find these songs. I spend hours searching, listening, hoping I found a particular song for others, and even for myself that so profoundly grabs us all that after I find it and post it, I know I feel better inside for doing it.

I am not sure where life will take me, and when life will come to an end for me. I know, after all I have seen in life, how it has affected so many people, and admired how people found a way to overcome so many losses, and obstacles in front of them.

I have been so changed my life, but that is ok with me. Sure I don’t know if I can help another, but I know that inside myself, I face the night as I crawl into bed with some peace of mind, that I too will refuse to give up on life. I am here, until I am no longer. I will cling to life for as long as God will allow it.

Last year around Nadine’s birthday in July, as I slept, I had a dream that when I awoke I remembered it so vividly. I had dreamed a spirit all in white had laid on my chest that night. I felt so comforted by that dream. I just believe my wife had reached out to me in my greatest time of need and allowed me to finally start to heal inside.

I would say some days my hands, my thoughts may not be my own, they are pushed by a feeling, a desire to do something. I truly hope you will allow yourself to take the time you need to face those enormous emotions you have built up inside.

Loss is truly so hard to face, let alone, take the time to open up your heart to others. It is scary, and one we all don’t know where it will take us to tomorrow. I just hope as you read my words, you understand, yes, others have felt loss, we are in ways so connected by our loss.

Please just take care of yourself and talk as you are able. We all will listen. Peace be with you tonight.

-david

One more song for you

 

We all have regrets, and yet somehow I think there's some reason that we're where we're supposed to be. I have a similar story about my mom, she was in a nursing home. My sister was with her, she was already on her way that day, she was the early shift we used to joke. and I was the evening shift. I made sure she got everything that she wanted on her tray. She also had visit from hospice. I don't know why they didn't call me earlier but I did get a call saying to come, I reached my sister as she was driving and she said she was on the way. I thought, good she'll be there soon. So I took a shower and got out of the house, I was ready in 20 minutes and the drive there was maybe 30 minutes. In that time she passed, to be honest I don't think I could have handled it, my sister was able to. What she wasn't able to handle was dealing with the nursing home, calling the funeral home and all that stuff. We all were where we were supposed to be. Trust me, she knew you loved her and looking to prepare things for her.

We can't predict these things, I'm sure if you knew, you would do things differently.

 

I´am gonna thank you by shaering a story that happened to me after my mom died.
I don´t quite know how long after it was, but I was going to my unniversity and I those days I was feelling so terribly miserable I could barely stop myself from crying in public, and just a block from my house I passed aside of a black dog, and it was almost like he was waiting for me, because he started to walk beside me almost all the way tothe subway station. He felt like happiness to me, like conforting to my chest, just like the angel you dremed of.
Time went by and I met a guy, after 15 months that I didn´t have my mom, we had our first date, and Ijust felt guilty, but more than that I felt insecure because, she never knew him, so I couldn´t know what she would thinkof him 100%, I could have an idea a very close one but that gap was so powerfull to me, so overwhelming... and on our way back from our date, while we were waiting for the bus to arrive, he was standing next to me and I couldn´t look at him because of the uncertity, I was so scared and then I turned and saw that same black dog, and he came next to my date jumping with that same joy I saw months earlier. It was beyond my understanding, I thought I was seeing what I wanted to, but the dog stood there for some minutes and I pull down my barriers, I let this beautiful man get into my life and my heart.
I was trying to tell a nice story butI still feel worry about that gap of certainty, I still cry with guilt that if we marry, I´ll marry a man she never knew...

There is so much, I feel I cannot be shameless and forgive myself just because I know she knew I loved her, just because she was always ALWAYS proud of me, I still hurt her even though she had this extremely, descomunal ability to forgive her children. Itakeyour words really really deep,and they made me want to feel different I just can´t understand how without being cynical...

Thank you always, be safe and healthy !!
here´s a song from ABBA, she loved their songs and this one is special to me beacause I called her " Mi Chiquitita"

 

Thank you so much, I loved her in did eventhough I gave her pain so much as love... But yess she knew, because she had only forgiveness, support and pure love to her children. I ´m so sorry foryour loss, I believe what you said, that everything happen for a reason.
Hope you be safe

 

Fernanda,

Abba was one of the groups I also loved. I had a collection of music, 8 tracks, cassettes, tape recording, vinyls that over the length of my life had amassed to over 3k in volume. My music covered so many genres, it was as if it was a patchwork of my life. I just feel that with music we can live and express our life so well.

This is my collection on YouTube. It is free to listen to with no subscription. I gathered all these songs as I started on my road of sorrow for Nadine. First it was only violin music, then voice, and then I would add as I was affected day by day. Please look and listen if you like:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

This song comes from The Hobbit.



That black dog was so beautiful a signal to you. Sometimes life has a way of directing us forward. There will always be moments in our lives, just a feeling, a rush of emotions, and our hearts will lead us to Kismet. For those who think time is not yet written, that will remain open for debate.

I just know, I will look back over my life, sure mistakes were there, but I eventually altered my path, and to me, even as inexperienced with life I felt, something stronger was guiding me forward. So I will accept all that has unfolded in my life with humility and reverence.

You please take care. Watch out for depression. I hope you will find peace.

-david

I found these singers along my path in life, their songs speak to my heart;

 

Fernanda,

I think we all want to be there for our loved one when they pass. However, you can’t blame yourself for running late. Unfortunately we don’t get to pick our expiration date or the circumstances around it. I will give you a for instance...my dad passed in March. He had a bad evening and night the day before he passed. I was determined to be with him. The next morning he woke up in good spirits and he had a doctor appt that day. We discussed whether we would keep the appt and he wanted to go - so we did. We made it back home about 11:30 a.m. and we got him all situated and comfortable. I was napping on the couch by his bed and a little after 2 p.m... I heard him take a deep breath. That was it...he was gone. Even though we were home and in the same room - both he and I were exhausted and we napped. So, in a sense I was there but not there. We have no control in that matter. Don’t blame yourself - that is a hard pill to swallow and it isn’t your guilt to bear.

Peace and comfort I leave with you,

TJ