I hate online dating

Hey Paul,
Lost track of this site even though I had the tab open but back now. Just saw your last message. Thanks for all your well chosen thoughts and words. Seattle is an awesome city. You are fortunate to be living there.
Was there '79 - 84. Initially went there so ex could get undergrad in Forestry, ended up taking courses as well and working in the health center for students. Made lots of friends and spent loads of weekends hiking the surrounding wilderness. Loved Port Townsend and anything Olympic Peninsula. He began to work for the Forest Service after graduation and his position brought us to Enumclaw. I got a degree in Paralegal Studies and applied to law school but decided not to go after all. Short career as a paralegal and then as a stay-at-home parent for my two children. When they went to school, I finally found my niche in floral design and have been making people happy with flowers ever since. Right now I am temporarily retired. When the coast is clear, hoping that it won't be too long from now, I plan on jumping back in with freelance work for events and weddings.
Wish I could say doing better...well, not so. Actually the loneliness is overwhelming. Debilitating. Today could not get out of my own way. No motivation, although I did work out for 1/2 hour really early in the morning because I could not sleep anyway. After that, I had no drive to do anything. Watched and mostly slept through a boring movie, read NYTimes and went down the rabbit hole of one story or opinion or another. Then I went online and lost a few more hours, all the while really wanting to get up but paralyzed. Only when my daughter-in-law called about 3 pm asking if I wanted to join her for a walk, did the energy to get off the couch come back. It was like turning a corner and the rest of the day went ok...
I wrote this a few days ago but did not send it. Sending now. Hope all is well with you. Will keep trying to write.

 

Hi Laureleyes,

Nice bio on your life!!! Especially your world of floral arrangement.

Laurel One thing I can never minimize is how devastating our grief IS. Our vocabulary is different, Overwhelming applies to everything. The loneliness is universal and not just casual but acute. Never have I felt that as much as what we are experiencing. Lack of energy, focus, motivation are all at extreme lows. Insomnia is chronic. Good observation by the way on news and rabbit hole, exactly. I turned the TV off for about two years now. I can manage documentaries with some returning focus and not the blank overprocessing daze. Some NPR now on a station that does Jazz/blues music.

Some symptoms and these are not all. It took an easy month to enter a store or drive. About over a year to remember my wallet leaving the house. Journaling was a survival skill from repetitive obsessive thought. I will skip weeping and heartbreak.

You are fine writing and space on the send. No problem.

The other really good observation you made was concerning the walk with your daughter. I can't thank enough the person to person well being from friends. Even strangers or a few people in the store who are kind. The exercise is helpful. I did four miles and 80 minutes. A good walk and feel better. Sleep is another matter. Still elusive. I have done Herbal tea, some pot, A CPAP got added. My mind if finally slowing down. Last night for 7 hours. Always grateful for that.

I have a friend in a bad place. I think the kindest thing we can say to another or ourselves is, "You're going to be OK". But I do get that may not seem the case. I often shift moods all the time. I borrowed an idea from Kata in this thread. I bought an adult coloring book of Mandelas and colored pencils. Turned on the Jazz/blues station and was OK alone. Some herbal tea was nice. It helped a friend stopped by for a few minutes. Writing a new friend like yourself helps a great deal.

So tell me a bit about your time here in Seattle. I think being close to Rainier had to be great. A favorite ritual each year is the high meadow flowers and hike each day. Never gets old that activity. Did you ever have the North Lake pizza near the Udub?.

You know the west coast had all the fires for the last few years now. NPR has this very cool story about indigenous burns of forests and ecosystems. Your ex was into forestry. This is the first I had held about native practices on conservation and forest management.

How is NY doing with COVID? I know this is beyond agonizing time. The season change is tuff on moods anyway. How much are the arts open? You know this place. There was one year with 61 days straight with rain. I am native and went nuts that year. The rec centers are all closed. Maybe if I get my ass in gear and zoom some yoga classes would be good.

Gald you are here feel free to chat whatever. I think not great to be a jets fan this year.


Be well.

Paul M.

 

I am enjoying reading the back and forth and listening to your stories. I am not quite to the "getting out and meeting people" stage yet but I will be there eventually. However, I did like this part of your conversation about changing your mind. I do that NON STOP. My wife and I were both just a few years away from retiring from teaching and we actually were putting our house on the market less than a month from the date she passed. We had lots of great plans. Now I go through everyday changing my mind on selling the house or keeping it, moving, traveling all the plans. DO I still do the things WE planned. They will never be the same as 1 as they would have been as 2.

So maybe like you say - Its not bad to keep changing plans.

Thanks for the great posts. This site has been great with dealing with emotions I never knew existed and now I know are felt by others just like me.

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Here’s an update:

After my disastrous introduction to online dating last year I decided to take a break.

Earlier this year I decided to try it again. I’m following my plan of taking care of myself, meeting new friends through meetup groups, restarting playing violin, studying French, etc. and feeling like I’m ready for a challenge again.

So months pass and although I subscribed to 2 different dating sites, nobody remotely attractive to me appeared. I was about to give up last month, it was the day my subscription ran out, and I thought about why I was stopping. All that effort to look but not find anyone was disappointing. Would life be more fulfilling if I had company? Yes. Then the answer was simple. Feeling like a gladiator going back into the arena, I renewed my subscription. The next day I saw an interesting profile, not a slam dunk but worth investigating. He seemed mildly interested when I proposed a video chat. So we had one. Then another. And another. And then we met and unbelievably we were compatible. Fit like a glove. So everything’s great, right? True love and all that. One slight problem. I’m afraid he’s going to die and it will end me. Did I say afraid? Terrified is more like it. This grief thing is so insidious. Creeps up on you when you least expect it.

 

Kata,
Congrats on finding love and someone so compatible, I know like you this grief thing is a heavy load and we feel like our hearts have been torn away. However, the sad truth is as the saying goes no one gets out of this alive. So while we're here we need to try to make the best of it. The reason why it hurts so badly is because we've loved so much.

I too scared at times, and just started to dip my toes into the dating pool. Our choices are to take the risk, enjoy sharing our lives or be alone. I know I want that joy of sharing and having someone in my life, with that I also know if he goes first I will have to deal with the pain. The joy and love will outweigh the pain.