I guess I'm an orphan now :'(

After caring for my mom after my dad's sudden passing 4 years ago, I thought I was well prepared for her departure (she had lung cancer). Nothing could be further from the truth. Knowing the inevitable and dealing with it when it comes are two different feelings altogether. Although I am back at work, the moments that take you by surprise are at times overwhelming. Everyone tells me how incredibly strong I am. If only they knew how broken I am inside. Faking a smile, saying what everyone expects you to say and moving on even though you just want to lie down under a rock and stay there is so easy isn't it? My fiancé took his parent's passing extremely well (if one could say that) and expects me to do the same. That just adds to my stress as he doesn't "do" feelings and I feel all alone. And speaking of alone, both parents gone, I am an only child, I guess that makes me an orphan now :'(

 

I'm going through the loss of my mom right now. She died yesterday morning. While this would be difficult for anyone, realize that she was my only family. I am single, without any children or other shoulders to cry on. Since my mom was an invalid with mid stage dementia, and I was her sole 24 hour a day caretaker for years, At 52 and a male, I have had very little opportunity to form friendships within the new community that we moved to some time ago. Despite her advanced age, 86, her death was not expected, and lacked the sort of emotional closure that one would desire to give a loved one.

I have a lot of cumulative type 2 diabetes issues that make my own life difficult as well. my prospects for the future are grim, and lonely. I feel as though I am floating all alone in an ocean of nothingness now. I'm relating all of this because I believe that no matter how perverse it may seem as a course of therapy, hearing the accounts of someone worse off than yourself can be helpful in keeping your own situation in perspective. I'm hoping to get some discussion going that will help me through my extreme sadness and sense of loss in the process.

 

Hi Michael. Firstly: I'm so sorry for your loss. I also do not have children, and was an only child. I understand and can empathyse with your loss. One thing I am learning slowly is that no one is completely alone if they are willing to reach out. Sometimes a stranger can be more understanding than people that are close to you for some reason. Maybe it's the fact that we're both going through a similar situation at the same time that helps open up the lines of communication and understanding. I to have type 2 diabetes as well as a few other issues. I try not to concentrate on the issues and live what I hope to be a full life. I do try to enjoy everything I can, even if it's a good show on TV or a nice walk in the woods. Whatever brings me a bit of joy right now I am trying to do. I LOVE cooking (sadly I also like eating, but that's another story). So I've been cooking a lot lately. It brings me comfort and joy. I give a lot of it away, and seeing others enjoy it also brings me joy. I've been trying to "pay it forward" so to speak. Karma... what goes around comes around... right?! I've also learned that "It's ok not to be OK" as long as you don't live there forever. Letting yourself grieve is good. It's normal, and it is oh so neccessary. But at some point, we do need to move on from there and live our life instead of existing in it. I hope I'm not being too preachy... that is so not my goal. If you feel like reaching out, please feel free. Thank you for writing on my post and I am happy you reached out. It takes courage to do that.

 

Hello to everyone,

I have read your comments with tears in my eyes. I am also an adult orphan now. My mum died 4 months and some days ago of cancer. I am devastated. Since the day she died I’ve felt wounded and extremely tired. Part of me died with her. I will never ever be the same. The images of her suffering and final moments haunt me and will stay with me, unfortunately, for the rest of my life. It gladdens me but saddens me to see so many people in my position.

Losing both parents is like losing my identity. My place of solace and refuge. As a Christian I know I should look to God but for a while I was out of control. Overwhelmed. My emotions like a rollercoaster. My mind searching for my mum. Triggers left and right. A mess. Now i’m leaning on my faith more. I know I’ll see her again, one day. It’s just that looking at the years in front of me without her is so upsetting.

Having the ability to reveal our raw thoughts is great. Of course it doesn’t change what has happened but letting the words out to an audience who don’t have ‘compassion fatigue’ is a relief. I don’t have to worry that my sadness is affecting anyone. I don’t have to pretend I’m ‘fine’.

Love, hugz and hope,
“Emerging”