I do not know how to do this to reach people I am so illiterate when it comes to computers web sites etc. my mom died 1 year 4 months ago today. I am sick to death of having to do the next right thing, having to just go on, no one wanting to hear it anymore. Am I in the right place?
Yes you are. I think I was in the similarly mindset several months ago. The things that through the dark depression times was my practicing some self-care because I am a therapist myself I had to practice what I tell others to do. I started taking walks started to take showers more and put on real clothes to go to work upstairs in. I am remotely working from home because of COVID. My mom passed away 2 years this month. I think people are tired of my grief talk so I joined this group.
I'm in the same boat. My dad died two years ago, and I still find myself in the depths of depression half the time.
I lost my mum 1 year ago. At firs it was okay to be in pain. But while the time is passing, I feel like everyone thinks I,ve gotten over it and ı shouldn’t have to suffer anymore in this level. On the cıntrary, maybe I am more broken now. I miss her more and her absance becomes more real by the time pass.
Hi all, I am deeply sorry for the losses you've experienced. Please know that no matter how much time has passed, your grief is still real. I, myself, am newly bereaved; my mom passed away almost 4 months ago. It was somewhat sudden. Although she had been ill for some time, she was home and no doctor ever mentioned that death was imminent, until her body could no longer fight infection (she had lupus), regardless of antibiotic, and we were forced to have her taken to the hospital. She was in the hospital for only a week. That's the story in a nutshell. But, I'm already relating to how many of you feel about other people moving on with their lives. I'm finding that certain people have backed away from me, the ones who I wouldn't have expected. What I can't stand is when people say two things: (1) The grief will lessen with time. (2) Let me know if you need anything. I recommend individual grief counseling for anyone. I'm doing that now, and my counselor is validating all my feelings. Has anyone read "Grief Is a Journey," by Ken Doka? It's a more realistic view of the grief process.
As I sit here, I cry. I cry fer all of those who've been hurting in all the ways we do from their own losses, as well as my own. I remember before Momma passed away in November 2021; how when she called & told me that she had Cancer, and had to have surgery...how I told her, I told me own Momma I wish she'd die in surgery and when she did, I'd do the mexican hat dance on her grave. I just keep replaying her words, over and over in my head. "Well, I'm sorry You feel that way. But that's exactly why You won't be able to, is because I'm being cremated, so if You find my grave, it won't be me buried there." Now, years later, even after all the hate, hostility and depression based around the relationship I had with Momma; I hate those very words the most. They're really the only thing that keeps playing back over and over again. Along with those words, are the moments of the last time I saw her, my family and my daughter. When they confronted me, yeop, confronted me about why I hated everyone so much and why I was a drug addict, why I chose to seperate myself from the family all those years ago, ultimatly giving custody of my daughter to Momma. I NEVER lied to them. I told them the truth. I was still in active addiction October 2021. The last time I saw her was Oct 23rd 2021. I told them the truth. I told them that I had to give my daughter to her, the ONLY mother I knew that stood by me all those years, and I pushed away, and dove head first into addiction without hesitation; gave my daughter the best Momma I could, even though it killed me that I wasn't woman enough to raise her, I knew my Momma would do right by her. With that being said...Momma, my siblings and daughter had kicked me out of their house, in the cold, at 1030pm in the rain, not so much as a sweater or shoes on my feet. No food, no nothing. Just kicked me out. I did the only thing I knew how to do, I walked. I walked, and found myself sitting at the bus depot. The security guard gave me something to eat, a couple dollars fer something later until I could go to the soup kitchen he'd told me about, and had a heart to heart conversation with me just before he let me stay at the depot with make shift sweater and shoes made of garbage bags to keep me somewhat warm & dry from the rain. All night long, I just kept replaying how, Momma was blessed to have me there close to her, but had so much hate within her that even the truth couldn't set her free on how she had felt the urge to kick me out of her house like that, when I was there, to spend time with her before she passed. She passed 1 week 4 days later. I never spoke to her, or saw her again. I haven't seen the rest of my family at all either. Spoke with my sister long enough to hear the devasting words from her mouth, telling me that Momma was gone, and that she had something to write me in a letter, but needed time to write it cuz it was the most difficult thing she had to do. My daughter hasn't talked to me. Nor will anyone. I try calling to my sister, but she won't speak with me. I'm full of anger, hostility and depressed all the time. I moved from my home state of WA, to Alaska after hitchhiking from WA to California. I guess when Yer faced with death, even if it's of someone that You've hated Yer whole life, that You are forced to do weird, incredible things, that you'd never thought You'd fathom the thought of doing, let alone carrying out. Now, I'm 9 months clean & sober, I'm no longer homeless. I just want to tell Momma how proud of me that she'd be if She could be here in the flesh right now. But I can't even bother to post anything unless I see someone elses posts here because I don't want to be told I'm wrong or face being turned down fer what I have to say. I'm sorry if what I've said today has that same affect on anyone else. I hope that Yer not facing the same guilt & anger I am. I hope that You can find comfort in the loss of Yer loved ones more as the days go by.
