I don’t know

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Sam!!, Nov 11, 2019.

  1. Sam!!

    Sam!! New Member

    I lost my best friend today, my husband. He had been drinking (He hid it well) for about two years and I had no idea. We separated at the beginning of this year (2019) It was an uncommon living situation. We lived in the same house with our children (he slept in a different wing if the house).
    He started turning yellow in September. This is where I found out he had been hiding his drinking from me for more than a year.
    Flash forward to last night. He was put on hospice care. I was doing his vitals and giving meds. He was having pain, and his bp was low. He looked at me and said he was scared. I assured him I am right there for him. 20 mins and two doses of pain meds later, he had me call 911. An eventful four hours went by, he was calling for me, pleading with me to be with him again and he will fix everything. Then he was intubated but his heart kept trying to stop.
    I currently am reliving his pleads and seeing how afraid he was. I did what I could to let him know I will always be there for him. We didn’t work out as a couple; but even though I began dating again- I always considered us soulmates and best friends. He was sweet and thoughtful. I feel like I didn’t do enough. I feel like it’s my fault. It should’ve been me for dating again, for wanting to be independent.
    .
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sam, I am so sorry! I feel your pain and wish I knew magic words to help you through this terrible time. I do know from what you’ve written you were there for him and doing your best to support him. Let me say this, many of us on this site feel we didn’t do enough for whomever we’ve lost, we feel guilt. But we really shouldn’t have guilt. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack, he was healthy and strong as far as we knew. There were no signs that he had heart disease, I worried I missed signs, guilt when he felt sick like a stomach virus I didn’t jump up immediately to check on him. When it became obvious it was a heart attack, I had guilt I cleaned our medicine cabinet and threw away the aspirin and didn’t replace with new. And before he was in the ambulance he yelled multiple times I love you Robin, at least 5 times. For whatever reason, I never answered him, didn’t say I love you back. That kills me.
    You were there for him you gave support. I know how I felt the first night and expect you feel the same, shock cant think straight, mind in a whirl wind. There’s plenty of people on this site to support you and be available for you. You’re so young, too young to be going through this. My heart breaks for you and your children. I hope you have family available for you to help and support you.
    God Bless! Robin
     
    Sam!! likes this.
  3. Sam!!

    Sam!! New Member

    Robin, hi.
    It feels good (but unfortunate) to relate to someone. I’m sorry you lost your love that way. If your husband was healthy, I mean, I too wouldn’t jump too fast for anything that was probably a stomach virus. I wouldn’t think much of it.
    You seem like such a strong woman, even when you were weak.
    Thank you for sharing with me. Goodness knows I’m trying.
    Sam
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Sam, losing someone like you have is just an awful experience we are sometimes faced with in life. I am so sorry for your loss, and even though you had been apart at the end, his dilemma brought you back to him. You were there for him at the worst possible time in his life. You gave him comfort when he needed it most.

    Having that feeling of helplessness when there is nothing you can do is painful. Sure it would be great if we could take their suffering away. Facing our loss we experience in life is not easy. There is no limit or depth to own suffering, but by eventually accepting it, it will help to ease your own personal pain and help you towards healing your heart, mind and soul.

    It doesn’t matter whether you had moved on to another person, as his plight was no fault of your own making. Addiction to anything is enormously hard to overcome, especially drinking when you are using it for so many personal reason. There comes a point when as a person they either face their problems or just give in to them. So please don’t ever feel guilty for his addiction.

    Lastly, start thinking of your own well being. We are all frail, we are capable of so many things. Just don’t ever give up on yourself. I hope tonight you will take that first step forward towards healing. God Bless.
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sam, thank you so much for your kind words. I can tell you I certainly don’t feel strong but I am trying my best. Some days are better then others. I agree that it is so unfortunate that having people understand your pain, actually feels like a warm hug. Unless you’ve gone through this, friends and family are helpful but people who have gone through this totally get it. You’re also a strong woman, you reached out to me with support, and you’re just started this long difficult journey. You have no guilt in how things happened. You can’t make someone make the healthy choices. I know plenty of people with alcohol addiction, it’s difficult to break that addiction. And you weren’t aware. The fact that you have another person in your life, I’m hoping its a good thing and good support for you. Accept help and support don’t try to manage everything yourself. This is truly a difficult time. People offer to come over, let them, it helps the healing process. I’m still healing, it is a journey for sure. Remember one day, one hour at a time. Whatever it takes.
    Robin
     
  6. Sam!!

    Sam!! New Member

    Hi David,
    Thank you for your support. You seem to, unfortunately, know this sadness very well. I can imagine the horrible pains you’ve been through too.
    We did separate at the beginning of the year, but we hung out together as best friends nearly every single day. It especially hurts that he felt he needed to self medicate; and do so alone no less. His mom (one of his biggest enablers) and a few others knew what he was doing, he asked them not to tell me. They knew he was sick before the jaundice and didn’t tell me. While he was in ICU, his mom said it wouldn’t have made a difference if I knew. But if that was true; why keep it a secret? I’ve always been the voice of reason and I would have made it my job to help him help himself.
    I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, I’m so lost. We have four children and it is absolutely draining to somewhat keep my composure.
    What do I do with his clothes, for example, I don’t want to touch them. I feel I’m betraying him.
    I’m lost and feeling stuck!
    Thank you again, David, for your support,

    Sam
     
  7. Sam!!

    Sam!! New Member

    Hello Robin,
    Thank you for your kindness. It’s hard to let people in because it didn’t happen to them. You’re exactly right with this.
    At this time I am very lost and I don’t know what is important right now (well, apart from our children). I’m having trouble with myself feeling like I didn’t do enough.
    Even while separated, we spent almost every day together as best friends (even with the fact that I have a new man in my life).
    Thank you again Robin for sharing with me and offering support, it really is helping me,

    Sam
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    Hi Sam,
    I agree, it’s so hard to let people in, I have people say, give me a call, anytime, I don’t, I feel who wants to talk to someone whose feeling so down. I wait for calls, it feels easier. But if someone offers help, making dinner, offers to stop by with coffee, or wants to run errands for you, accept those offers. These people seriously want to be available for you and your children. Of coarse your children are top of the important list but you need to be up there with them. How can you help them if you don’t take care of yourself. Believe me, you did enough, try to stop punishing yourself. I’m a year in and I keep saying what if I did this or that, we can’t help it, we loved who we lost and always will. I have that guilt still, but it is less.
    You mentioned, his clothes. That’s a difficult one for me as well. My story is a little different in that my husband was well, so where he took off his shoes, they still sit cause I like that he put them there and was feeling fine. Other things he put down I’ve left also, but that’s me. Everyone is different. My husbands clothes are in his closet I can’t move them yet. Some things I hold and hug and smell to get a piece of him. The last thing you need to worry about right now is his clothes. They can wait. Or possibly offer some to his Mom if you want to. This is the most difficult journey of your life, baby steps. I can tell by what you’ve written, you’re a good caring person, my heart breaks for you going through this. My life is 100% different since I lost my soul mate. We had a business together, worked together and I suffer with rheumatoid arthritis so Ron did many thing for me. We were like one person. I don’t work anymore, I closed our business, I have no real schedule, but I find what’s best for me is to stay busy. House work yard work bills, whatever try to keep my mind busy. Might be too early for you but that will help you. And you have children to take care of and keep you busy. You guys need each other. I have a daughter, she’s your age, she’s my God send. We help each other. My son is coming home for the one year, planning a small mmorial. I’m finding it difficult. But can’t wait to see my son. He gives the best bear hugs!
    I hope something I’ve shared or wrote gives you a little help.
    Thinking of you, Robin
     
  9. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Sam,

    Each of us will carry pain with us for the rest of our lives. Time may lessen the severity of it, but one day some item, event, statement, will make us recall our good as well as bad times we experienced in life. The only way we move past it is to eventually face the loss as tough as it is, and be able to move forward in life. The memories will always be there.

    I think back to the day of my own grandmother while I spent the summers with her and my grandfather. She slowly started arguing with no apparent reason and it just got worse as each day arrived. The day she no longer knew who I was while I stood in front of her anymore was the toughest to take. There were no words I could say anymore, other than to hear my own parents admit she was no longer with us anymore.

    As each of us have someone we loved pass on, what we keep of their personal possessions is so personal in nature. What may seem insignificant to another who also experienced that same loss, that very same item may be very important to you.

    After my wife died, sure she had jewelry, and so many other things I could of kept, but the one thing that meant the most to me was a painting of her. It wasn’t per say valuable moneywise, but to me it was the one keepsake I valued the most.

    I gave away everything else of hers. Please just remember, that is what I did, not what you should do. Nothing else she had on earth meant more to me than an image of her.

    Sam, having to raise your own children I am sure will be very hard. I really feel for you. One thing you need to not do is not beat yourself up over his loss. I would say, just keep reaching out to others and take each day slowly.

    I hope as each day arrives, your days start to get better over time. God Bless you.
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sam, checking in on you. I know you’re not in a good place. But wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’m hVing a very difficult time right now myself. The holidays! Plus I keep thinking of last year and how I was just barely getting through each day. I had support the , now I. Pretty much on my own and it’s difficult.
    Take Care.