I lost my wife Feb. 18, 2017. I know the 1yr mark is coming next month yet I can't seem to do anything right. I keep asking myself "what happened to me?" I abandoned my house (homebody who usually can't stand to be away from my home) yet I it's going on 1yr away from it. Since she passed I drink every single day. (Usually I never drink) I have become completely opposite of who I've always been. I'm so ashamed to admit I stopped paying all my bills. (I shop & gamble to feel good when I decide drinking isn't the way) I used to dress up now I'm a mess. Gained 40lbs in 2mos. I'm completely irresponsible, unreliable I always recall her telling me when she goes she wants me to not feel bad and to do good. But I just can't seem to do any of it. She told me because I can't have kids that her son is mine now. And that when she leaves to take over and since her passing it hurts that I have failed him too. I can't get it together I hate this person I have become. So I found this site in hopes to know I'm not alone. (I hope I'm not alone)
MMarie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and all the ways you have suffered in its wake. First and foremost, you are not alone. While grief does isolate us from the world we knew before, there are actually people out there who can relate to everything you're saying and going through. It is such a big question you've asked (and thank you for asking it, I have encouraged others to join the survey because I think it's one that so many can relate to). The experience of loss changes us. How many of us define ourselves by the people in our life and the role we play in relation to them? When we say someone is our other half, I don't think we realize how much we really mean it until they're gone. The absence leaves such a terrible void, and sometimes we seek ways to fill out that cause us more harm than good. While there isn't necessarily a "right" way to grieve, I do hear the concern you are feeling for the choices you've made since your wife's passing. I'm glad you are reaching out for support, and I hope this can be a start of your healing. And as wonderful a place as I think this can be to get help it may just be that more help is needed when our grief causes us to drink, spend money we don't have, stop paying our bills, or taking care of our basic needs. So please consider reaching out. Find support here, find support within your friends and family, find support (a group or a counselor) in your community. Of course it would be ideal if people came to us, if they knew how to help in our times of need, but overall, I find they don't. So you may have to do the work and the searching and you may need to reach out and let people know what you need. I'm so glad you've joined us, and I thank you for allowing us to be part of this journey. We're here to help in any way we can and I hope you stay with us, check in, and let us know how you're doing as you take this step to move forward. Please take care~
When I lost my husband I had a period similiar to yours. I couldn’t make it work. I couldn’t perform daily tasks and I drank more than I care to admit. On the one year anniversary, which the anniversary is New Year’s Eve, I acted recklessly. I didn’t care if I lived. You are not alone! I promise you that. On New Year’s Day I awoke, thankfully, and made the bed...cried the howl of loss...and started to make my life over. I am still learning how to do that. 5 years later, I wake, I restart. Fortunately I was able to recover from the self destruction. I hadn’t done any serious damage to myself and the people around me, understood, best that they could. The ones that mattered are still there. The others fell away...as I suspect they would have any way. You start with one thing. Pay one bill. Make one meal. Pass on one drink and find another constructive activity. Create one something. Show one person appreciation. List one thing you are grateful for. Tell one person you love them. I could keep going. Give yourself the ability to grieve without need for excuse. Love yourself enough to forgive these actions you find embarrassing. Forgive yourself enough to move forward. I hopeI don’t sound too much like bumper sticker philosophy...feel free to contact me if I can be of any support.
David, I could not love this more. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and hope with all of us! I wish you continued peace on the journey ahead~
I love it!!!!! I mean, seeing humans in such a vulnerable place, I feel right at home. All your self judgment will turn to self love, and your experience will save someone else life one day. I find chanting, out loud very healing. I love gambling but not addictively. But you'll act out in all sorts of ways for sometime. It happens softly and very subtle, each day, month year that pass, you will change. Its the only other thing besides death that's certain. When i get hysterically sobbing, i get ice on my head and neck. It brings you into the present. Self destruction is a double whammy, you hurt yourself for feeling sad? Darling, plant a garden, flowers, or food. If you don't have outdoor space, indoor, hydroponics. Thank you, for being here with us. We need you, as much as you need us. Tina Turner, she turned her career around when a friend taught her to chant. What's Love Got to Do with It, great film.
