I can’t seem to move forward

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Forever changed 2018, Jul 8, 2020.

  1. I lost my husband 18 months ago. Although he had COPD and a few heart problems he really hadn’t been sick. It was the day of our 28th anniversary he was taking something’s out to the scrap metal yard. He left the house and 45 minutes latter the sheriff was at my door telling me my husband had passed away! I relive that day everyday, there were no good byes just gone. We had a large home and yard that was just too much for me to care for so after a year I sold it which was probably a mistake becauseI now feel like I have not only lost my husband but every part of our life. I’m staying with my daughter, which is 2 hours from our home, until I decide what I want to do. The problem is I can’t decide what to do! He was my everything, we made decisions together now I just feel stuck, afraid and unable to move forward. I’m retired so lots of time on my hands and all I do is think. I have no friends here and really nowhere ( especially now during covid) to meet anyone. I just find it hard to care about anything. Thank you for letting me share my story.
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's amazing how our love ones is here one minute and gone the next. I know its hard making decisions without him. There is nothin that says you have make them right away. Step back take a deep breath and say a prayer you'll be guided in the direction that you need to go. I lost my fiancee a couple months ago. We have two small kids and we are the ones that did everything for them. I miss him everyday. Its overwhelming doing everything by myself like things with the kids and day to day stuff around the house. Everyday is a challenge. I been praying for more strength to get through it. I pray that you also have strength to get through everything cause I no it's not easy.
    LouiseP57 and Barry like this.

  3. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I’m sorry for your loss also. I’m sure having small children and all the responsibility of everyday care is difficult by yourself, you are a strong person. My children are from my first marriage and they are all grown. I try to be patient about making decisions but I’ve always had a plan for everything and been very decisive now I feel like a shell of the person I use to be. I will keep you in my prayers also, praying for strength, comfort and peace.
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  4. ksteve

    ksteve Active Member

    My wife passed away 20 months ago from leukemia which returned after her transplant. One month before her death we had made an offer on a house - from a 2-story to a walk out rambler. We had to pull our offer back (which was accepted) and forfeited the earnest money. I remember having a discussion with my wife that if one of us should die, this was still the right decision at the time and the one surviving will just need to deal with it. I had no idea that would be in 1 month. For all the reasons we both decided to move, many of them still applied. I ended up buying a lot 4 months after her death and moved in 8 months later. All the decisions I had to make alone while building this house. Things that would have been fun doing together were tearfully painful. I survived an in retrospect, being busy was a good thing. I kept telling myself that this is your house not "our" house. My wife loved pictures and trinkets to display. She also loved to bake so lots of specialty pans. I changed the design to make cleaning easy and I made sure I could navigate if something should happen to me. I know my wife would have loved this house and she would have made it a "home". All of our friends were telling me you need to downsize and move into a townhouse or condo. Many thought I was crazy for buying a house. Do what is right for you and in your time frame!! We both lived in the present and always had an eye towards the future. Our spouses may be gone but their memories are alive and well. It takes time but you will learn to incorporate those memories in to your daily life. Heck, I just planted some shrubs and I had to think which ones she would have chosen. A day doesn't go by where I don't ask her for advice. Your right, we are forever changed. The last thing she bought was a picture that says "We chose forever". This reflects her attitude towards life so I'm trying my best to take her advice.
    LouiseP57, cg123 and Sweetcole like this.
  5. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss. It is very hard moving forward with your life when you now have to make all the decisions alone. You will know when you feel ready to do that such as moving to a new community with people your own age where you can make friends and have activities. It will not be easy but there will come a time when you are ready do so. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  6. Thank you for sharing your journey such a beautiful tribute to your wife. I’m praying I can move forward and make the right decisions on my own. I can say losing my husband is the harder thing I have ever been thru! We had thought about buying a condo in South Carolina and I often made trips there to visit a friend. The last time I visited he told me “ if you find something you like buy it you don’t need me to make that decision” I came home from that trip and he passed away 3 days later. I hold onto those words to help me make a decision knowing he had faith in my ability to make the right decisions. I’m grateful for the years we had but miss him so.
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  7. Im

    I’m hoping that is true! It would be good to be around people my age (70) I think activities would help pass the time. Right now loneliness is the enemy.....even though I’m with my daughter she works has a family to care for and her time is limited. I was always such a confident decisive person now I feel like a shell of that person! Praying for strength to move forward.
    edj9 and cg123 like this.
  8. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine what is was like for you when the sheriff came to your door. I'm so sorry. When the ICU doctor told me my husband probably wouldn't live through the next 4 hours, I nearly passed out. But at least I got to go in and be with him. It has been 8 months since he died, and I'm also struggling with finding reasons to live. Every day seems like an eternity in limbo. I watch a lot of TV, and sometimes I even pay attention to what's on the screen. I try to reboot some of the hobbies I used to have before my husband started getting really sick, but can only maintain interest for a few minutes at a time. They all seem so pointless, now. Reaching out to community has been a non-starter because of the pandemic. Sigh. Hard times.

    For some reason, focusing on fixing things in myself that I couldn't fix in my husband keeps me going, though. I REALLY, REALLY don't want to suffer the way he did. And I think he would be slapping his forehead at me if I didn't learn from his mistakes. I'm trying to learn more about nutrition. I'm keeping tabs on my blood sugar and weight. I'm trying to get more exercise. When I watch TV or read I pick shows and books on healthy living or eating. There's a fascinating show called "Down to Earth" on Netflix in which the hosts go around the world seeking out healthy and environmentally sustainable ways of life. And there's another called "Grow, Cook, Eat", which inspired me to try to grow some of my own vegetables. At the moment, I have 9 lettuces sitting in cloth planters on my kitchen counter. Picking 1 or 2 leaves per plant is enough to start a salad. I'm thinking of trying tomatoes next.

    When I lost my husband, I also lost my life. And I can't hope to just get it all back in the blink of an eye. I have to learn how to live all over again, and the only way I can do that is with baby steps. A planter today, a garden tomorrow ... well, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.

  9. I live that day over and over! I always think perhaps there was something I could have done if only I was there. If only I could have said good bye. But no matter the circumstance or time we have to say good bye it is still just devastating. I’m sorry you had to receive that devastating, life changing, information from a ICU doctor. I can’t imagine having to process that.

    I also have been reading a lot seems like it takes to another place and I don’t have to think. I’m also trying to make a decision about possibly buying a condo in SC but now just isn’t the time to travel and tour homes so I research online for now so that takes a little of my time. I have a friend that lives there and will visit to look around when things feel safer.

    As you said “ baby steps” one foot in front of the other day by day.
    edj9 likes this.
  10. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I hear you about the reading. Audiobooks is the only way I got through many nights, especially in the few weeks just after he died; often the only way I could get to sleep.

    The condo seems like a good way to keep yourself looking forward. Would you retain your current home, though?

  11. A year after my husband passed I sold our home, it’s was large and taking care of it plus yard was just too much. We had lived there for 38 years and it was a hard decision. I think that has added to my depression but I’m trying to look forward not back although on most days that is easier said than done. I’m staying with my daughter until I decide what I want to do.
  12. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I understand. I'm sorry about bring up the house. It didn't occur to me that you might have already sold it. It's so difficult. Everything reminds me of what I've lost, and yet it's so hard to let go, even of things that represented his suffering like the medical equipment and supplies.
  13. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Ugh, I just scrolled up and read your OP again and you mentioned selling the house quite clearly already. I'm such an idiot. Sorry again.
  14. It’s o.k. You don’t have to apologize but thank you. We had thought about selling for awhile and perhaps moving south and buying a condo I just wish he had helped with all the decisions that go into the process. I understand what you mean about how hard it is to let things go, it almost feels like they are being erased! But such a dear man will never be erased the memories are sweet but somedays they also remind me of what I’ve lost. Stay strong
  15. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    My husband and I were married for almost 29 years, together for over 30. I was 15 when I started dating him. We were too beautiful broken souls that healed each other with our love. The withdrawals from him are so painful. The first 2 months I was in a daze of shock and constant weeping. It's so hard to figure out who I am now apart from him! We had such a beautiful And vibrant life together. He was the fun one, spontaneous and loved to see everyone around him have fun. I'm slowly remembering who I was before and figuring out who I am now. Its a scary process, but I'm starting to see hope somehow, little pockets of it between the sadness and emptiness...
    Barry, JMD and edj9 like this.
  16. I’m so sorry for your loss moving forward is difficult, I don’t feel that I have made much progress. As you know somedays are better than others. I know I was lucky to have such love in my life!
  17. Mothernature

    Mothernature Member

    Yes, me too, so very rare to experience a love that is so genuine and accepting.
  18. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Active Member

    Yes moving forward is very difficult. So many emotions create a fog to be able to see further.....
    cg123 likes this.
  19. Chadb202

    Chadb202 Member

    This crap hurts.
    The sheriff notified me also.
    I found your wife deceased in her car.
    Can't get that loop out of my head.
    Not sure how people do this.
    I'm hoping things will get better.
  20. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    This is the nicest post and reminds me of me and my husband. We were so committed to our relationship and it got so good. I believe that we were put together on earth to heal each other - we were broken in different ways but accepted everything about each other. Wasn’t always easy but I am so grateful for him and the time we got to spend together. I miss him terribly everyday. I am only six weeks in and it is so painful that he’s not here.